WHY IS IT SO EASY FOR THEM TO MOVE ON!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
WHY IS IT SO EASY FOR THEM TO MOVE ON!!!
41
Wed, 07-13-2005 - 4:35am

I have been legally divorced from my ex for coming up on 3 years now. He has already moved on and remarried! He married his GF of 3 yrs (she works with him, do the math) and she has 3 kids from her two exes (2 from an ex husband and 1 from an ex boyfriend). My ex and I were together for 11 years and one week he is telling me and everyone else how much he loved me as a wife and mother (we have a son together) and the next week he says, "I just don't love you anymore. I don't want to be married anymore." And that was that. He quickly moved out and on with his life. I was left at home trying to explain why Daddy wasn't there to our then 4 yr. old son.

So fast forward to today, like I said, he is now married and here I am, still struggling in the dating world (which I hate). I'm not ugly, in pretty good shape thanks to working out my frustrations with exercise, I'm not a mean person, I'm not a bit#%, I have a decent job, I don't throw my son on men nor do I try to turn them into my son's Father, I'm a good person and I CONSTANTLY have people asking me why I don't have someone. I've dated but just haven't found Mr. Right. I'm just so frustrated! Why is it after all that man has put me through he walks away remarried and living happily ever after and I'm still struggling to do so?!?!?!? It's so unfair! My ex is such a jerk and has fought child support, visitation....EVERYTHING that regards our son. EVERYTHING with him is just a complete battle and power struggle on his part. He's just not a nice man! So WHY do bad guys finish first?!?! Why can't I find someone and live happily ever after too!!! UGH!!! NO JUSTICE!!!

It just always seems like the men move on much more quickly than women! Like heartless, careless bast*&ds totally disregarding ANY past they may have had with you!! I certainly don't love him anymore, actually his looks (and attitude) have SERIOUSLY gone down the drain, not to mention I now see what type of man he REALLY is, but it's just so unbelievable that he threw 11 years of our lives down the toilet, 11 years of history and growing up together....to then tell me he was tired of being married only to turn around and marry again a few years later, AND to a woman with 3 kids from 2 different men nonetheless! I just don't get it and everything is hunky dorey with him. WHY?!?!?!




Edited 7/14/2005 3:41 pm ET ET by sdnative1973
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Sun, 07-24-2005 - 2:19pm
Sorry PG. I am afraid I am going to have to jump in on this one. You are making a lot of assumptions too. As far as sex goes, we do not have to be available at our husbands every whim and even if we are it doesn't matter. My ex and I had sex 3-4 times a week sometimes more, but that wasn't enough. Even prostitutes take a day off. My ex didn't think I should ever be to tired or too busy. I was the only one handling the household duties. Was he going to help me out? NO. There is NEVER an excuse for adultery. If you've got one, I can assure you in my opinion it's not good enough. The vows are said before God and no one has the right to break them. No, I was not cheated on. He just decided one day he didn't love me. That didn't stop him from making love to me the night before and the morning before he served me with papers that kicked me out of my own home and took my children. I know I wasn't the perfect wife and neither was he the perfect husband. Everyone's story is different. The area surrounding divorce is grey, not black or white. Sex and love have nothing to do with each other. My ex has proved that to me. He still wants to sleep with me, just not be married to me. I cut him off last week after he signed the divorce papers and now he is mad. I am good enough to sleep with, but not to be married to. Bull. He just wanted to have his cake and eat it too. He even went so far as to tell me that I should continue to sleep with him so that "he wouldn't bring some tramp home and sleep with her in front of our children." Yes I have been burned. I did nearly everthing he asked for in the bedroom and now I feel used. It's not always the woman cutting the man off. Sometimes it's just that they are asking for more than we can provide.
Sorry if I have offended you. this is just something I had to get off my chest.
Hugs, Brenda
PS I read through your profile and you sound like a very interesting man. That woman is out there in the world somewhere. Don't give up hope. I get the feeling you've been burned pretty bad too. Allow yourself do some exploring after you've had some healing time.

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2005
Sun, 07-24-2005 - 2:26pm

I know exactly who she is. He has been working with her for many years, which brings about the question of just when this affair really did start. I know for sure that it has been at least 2 years...so more than a year before I finally left him, but there were some signs that something was fishy long before that. I remember one time at least 4 or 5 years ago when I answered his cell phone and it was her...she was very indignant and demanded to know exactly who I was !!! Leads me to believe there has been something between them for many years...even if it wasnt'a full blown afair then.
In 2003 he started running...marathons...and of course, staying late after work to 'train'. Low and behold...the slut also runs marathons...big surprise ! I did a search on several of the marathons he ran in for the time results...sure enough, even while we were still together...there they were, the two of them, coming in at exactly the same time. So...he's been going to these marathons with her for some time now while lying to his wife and kids.
According to his past cell phone bills...she is also the one he's been locking himself in OUR bedroom at night and talking to for several years now as well. ( while his 'stupid' wife and kids were downstairs)

It's just the finding out for sure that he's been lying and cheating for years that ticks me off...and makes you wonder just how many more of your gut feelings were right over the years. I doubt that she was the first affair he's had....just the only one that turned into a serious relationship I guess.

What really ticks me off is that the a$$hole still denies it !!!! I have proof and he still doesnt' have the balls to admit it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2005
Sun, 07-24-2005 - 3:16pm
Wow. So how do you think you'll handle it if they ever decide to "go public"? Do your kids know about her? I'm not sure how I'll deal with it - I'd like to think I'll be okay about it but I'm sure I'll have moments of frustration or anger. I just hope my kids don't have too hard a time. They know mom and dad aren't getting back together and they have been amazing through this but it will certainly be challenging introducing new people into their lives, especially if there's any kind of resentment from either of us. I don't want my behaviour to come back and bite me should I ever decide to bring someone new into my life.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2005
Sun, 07-24-2005 - 6:29pm

I don't think anyone knows about her yet ( his family and friends). My guess is that he will wait until the divorce is final so that no one suspects that he was screwing around on me. He's determined to make everyone here think that this was all my doing and my fault.

In a word, my kids will be devastated.
They've been amazing as well...but as most kids, I'm sure they still hold on to the hope that we will get back together one day. Knowing there is someone else will be really hard on them. I think my two youngest girls will take it the hardest...especially my 12 year old. It kills me to even think about them finding out....and I dread the day they meet her. I just don't want them to hurt.

A few months ago I blew up at him big time....I still ahve to go out to the farm every day to feed horses, etc...a lot of times the kids come with me. They always run into the house to get things they have left behind, etc.
Well this particular time the girls decide to stay here while I run out but ask me to pick up some clothes they wanted for school the next day. While feeding I get a huge splinter in my hand so when I go into the house I go into what was OUR bathroom, in OUR bedroom and guess what I find....the bit** is staying there with him !!! They weren't home, but her stuff was on the bathroom counter and she had two bags full of clothes sitting at the foot of MY bed.
I was furious that he would be stupid enough to bring her into our home when he knows that the kids could have walked in at any time. I blew up at him big time...told him that until the divorce was final and until such time as he actually gives me money for our home...he will keep her the hell out of there. That home still belongs to ME as well and i will be damned if he's going to hurt my kids the way he has hurt me over the years.

Kids need time to adjust to their parent's being apart before anyone else is introduced into the equation...I firmly believe that new partners should be kept away from the situation until divorces are final and they have had plenty of time to adjust to their new lives. Divorce is hard enough on them without deliberatly making it tougher.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 07-24-2005 - 6:41pm

Hi Brenda!

Pianoguy isn't offended in the slightest. He just expressed his own thoughts...which are always "open to argument" from either sex...at any time.

I don't condone the actions of your EX...especially when there were children present at the time of his 'in-house' infidelities. While you probably did everything you could possibly think of (IN as well as OUT of the bedroom) to please him....it apparently wasn't enough? So I completely understand why you feel USED.

But try and remember something? There ARE women who aren't as "devoted" as you are. They'd rather toss their man (and their marriage) aside...instead of trying to save it. It's not just the male half that screws up. And this was the 'type of woman' I was referencing earlier.

Thanks for your nice compliment about my profile.

Sadly...2 unsuccessful marriages and a nearly 4-year relationship in between (with "the girlfriend from hell") has made somewhat cautious when it comes to trying again? There has been adequate time to heal.. My hesistancy to try again deals with "A MATTER OF TRUST" (quoting the Billy Joel tune here).

I guess the 'emotional after-scars' (a.k.a. BETRAYALS) still bother me a little?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
Mon, 07-25-2005 - 10:11am

Reading this line of postings has been very enlightening.

I'd like to add my experience...Ex found a new woman almost immediately, married very quickly. I don't think he knew her before we split, but it could be. Doesn't matter now. I'm not interested at all in another marriage--I'm still getting over the failure of the first one. So my situation very much fits the "typical"--man rushes into a new romance immediately and woman waits longer.

Even though I expected he would do just this, it hurt like he!!!!!!. It makes me feel like I was never important to him at all, ever, because it never hurt him a bit to lose me. I was very easily and quickly replaced. I found it very humiliating and painful. It almost feels like I wasted 19 years of my life!!! Almost, though--I do have great kids. Even though divorce was my choice and I don't regret doing it, I was very very sad to lose the dream of that future with him. He simply seems to have never felt anything. It's taking a long time and much therapy to overcome that hurt and disappointment.

I've actually come to believe that he is somewhat "disabled" emotionally and it's really rather pitiful. I almost feel sorry for him that he is unable to "really" love.

It's been a real challenge for me not to wallow in self pity and bitterness. I have been totally financially screwed in this divorce and he keeps giving me all sorts of legal fights over custody. Good news on that front, he doesn't want to go back to court. Will post an update on that situation soon as I get time.

Working hard to keep a positive outlook for the future,
Cupcake

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Mon, 07-25-2005 - 2:25pm

Hi there everyone. Thanks so much for your thoughts and opinions--I'm the one who originally started this post. Your posts have been very helpful and enlightening as well. I wanted to give you gals an update because this is KARMA AT IT'S BEST and why I strongly believe my divorce happened for a reason. My newly married ex was fired from his job back in December and has yet to find another one (since this is the second place he got fired from, I'm sure that's hindering him from finding new employment when they ask why he "left" his last job.) Anywho, he is so behind on his condo payment, his SUV payment, bills...etc. and his new wife is working tripple time to help support her, him and her 3 kids from her previous relationships. In addition, he's now playing the stay-at-home Dad with her 3 boys now that they're on Summer vacstion. Must be fun being stuck home all day with 3 boys!! Good times!

THEN, his prized larger-than-life Suburban with new spinning rims (that he so blatantly rubbed in my face after I told him he was 6 months behind in child support), recently broke down on him when he was an hour away from his house. I can't imagine it will be inexpensive to get fixed. Now the only car they have is his new wife's teeny Ford Focus. lol.

Then to top all THAT off, he got his very last unemployment check last week so there's no more money going in to him. Guess he's going to HAVE to go out and find just any job! God forbid! He and I have a court appearance tomorrow regarding child support arrears and what have you. He got yelled at our last appearance for taking so long to find a job so I'm sure they're not going to go easy on him tomorrow either since nothing has changed. I was told that if he didn't find a job by our court appearance tomorrow, that they are going to call his wife in too and get all her financial info and count her income as well since they are now married. Love it! Since she and I don't get along, she hates the fact that I am going after him for child support, she thinks I'm a vindictive b&%ch for doing that, but of course it's okay for her to collect child support from her two exes for her 3 boys? Please tell me where that makes sense. She needs to lay off the perm and hair bleach fumes.

Anywho, she can HAVE him and financially support his loser butt all she wants. She found a man stupid enough to become a babysitting whore to her 3 kids for free while she goes out, and he found a woman who is heartless enough and could care less that her new husband doesn't give a rat's a$$ about supporting and taking care of his REAL son. Total losers! They DESERVE each other! ;))




Edited 7/25/2005 7:04 pm ET ET by sdnative1973
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2004
Mon, 07-25-2005 - 5:39pm
Hi Janalta & Pianoguy,
I've been following your conversation... And I agree with both of you, on different points. My stbx and I split just over a year ago, the paperwork still has two months to go...
I initiated the split in my marriage, because I found out about STBX's repeated infidelity. With him, it wasn't just sexual, he had formed strong emotional bonds with two other women. I couldn't take that, not on top of all the other crap he dealt me on a daily basis. So when I told him to leave, I know he moved on a lot quicker than I did. He had a support network of women that were used to hearing about the horrible dragon lady who was his wife. They were glad he could finally spend the night instead of leaving at 3am to come home. He had always put his hobbies, work, and the gym above me and our relationship, and I was spending enormous amounts of time alone, or waiting for him to come home.
I could have turned to someone else, I chose not to, I ended it first. STBX would have happily kept the status quo for the next hundred years, because he got everything he wanted. Me to follow his rules, women on the side, all the gym time and boys nights he could take. I decided that wasn't enough, and I certainly hadn't married him to share him with other women! Then I went through a grieving period, and dealt as best I could with the rejection and betrayal. Now I am dating again, but by choice, to have fun and help re-discover myself. I like dating men who are not really interested in taking it past the dating stage, ones who don't want a commitment. I am perfectly happy to spend an evening alone, with my girlfriends (all of whom are new, because I *wasn't allowed* to have friends while I was married) or to spend time with family. I am not ready for a commitment! If I ever do fall in love again and decide that I am ready, I will hope it will be with someone who feels the same for me, regardless of what his past dating habits have been.
:)
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2005
Wed, 07-27-2005 - 12:51pm
Browniegirl, I know what you mean about the affair...it hurts a lot more to know that my ex's affair was a long term emotional relationship instead of just casual sex.
Right now i have absolutely no interest at all in meeting anyone else...for a relationship or even casual dating. I like being alone and not having to worry about anyone but myself and my children.
It will also be a very long time before I can ever trust a man enough to have a real relationship. In fact, I really doubt that I will ever be able to trust anyone 100% again. My ex is the kind of guy that most people would never think would have an affair...I truly believe now that this kind of guy simply doesnt' exist.
This was my second marriage...my first experience was even worse ! I married young, was pregnant by 20. He was abusive, physically and mentally...drug use turned into a cocaine addiction. He not only cheated on me the whole time we were together, he gave me four different STDs.
So yeah, my view on men now is kind of tainted.
I simply do not need the pain any more and am unwilling to put myself in that position again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-27-2005 - 3:42pm

browngirlie...

CONGRATULATIONS on "seeing the light" about the stbx AND MOVING FORWARD!

PG likes your attitude.....A LOT!

Not only are you in control of who(m) to date and when....but you're not going to spend your free time "getting paranoid" over the lack of a companion.

I know you can't hear my hands clapping, but I'M APPLAUDING YOU this afternoon!

Best wishes and warm thoughts...

Pianoguy