Why is this so hard?
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Why is this so hard?
| Wed, 08-02-2006 - 10:05am |
I can't figure it out. I have been posting on Betrayed Spouse boards for awhile. We have decided to separate, under the advice of a counselor. Mainly because of my H's affair which after knowing for 2 years, I am just starting to get over. Counselor thinks that we are just going around & around with the same arguments, and that maybe a separation would help break the cycle. Also that maybe time apart would give us some perspective. Whatever.
It's just so sad. We told the kids last nite and they took it ok, they are 7 and 10. But they are soooo sad now. Their father is a workaholic, hasn't taken a day off since June, and before that, since April and before that, Christmas. No, I am not kidding. The problem is that I love my H, and he is very upset by all of this, splitting up, etc.
What I cannot figure out is why the heck doesnt' he change the fact that he doesn't spend time with us. Sure, everything is complex. But if you know you are doing something detrimental to your family, why not fix it!!! The kids cry "Daddy must hate it here b/c he is never home" None of their feelings are from things that I say, b/c I don't believe in involving children in our marital arguments. (In fact, the older child says "Why are you splitting up, you don't even fight.")
It just seems that sooo many people get divorced and run around and carry on with their lives. I don't want a divorce, but I will get one if that is the best thing. I have no fear of being alone, I am so often alone anyway. SO WHY is this so hard???? I just want it to be cut a dried, stay or go!!
It's just so sad. We told the kids last nite and they took it ok, they are 7 and 10. But they are soooo sad now. Their father is a workaholic, hasn't taken a day off since June, and before that, since April and before that, Christmas. No, I am not kidding. The problem is that I love my H, and he is very upset by all of this, splitting up, etc.
What I cannot figure out is why the heck doesnt' he change the fact that he doesn't spend time with us. Sure, everything is complex. But if you know you are doing something detrimental to your family, why not fix it!!! The kids cry "Daddy must hate it here b/c he is never home" None of their feelings are from things that I say, b/c I don't believe in involving children in our marital arguments. (In fact, the older child says "Why are you splitting up, you don't even fight.")
It just seems that sooo many people get divorced and run around and carry on with their lives. I don't want a divorce, but I will get one if that is the best thing. I have no fear of being alone, I am so often alone anyway. SO WHY is this so hard???? I just want it to be cut a dried, stay or go!!

I so totally know how you feel. I know that it is better to be separated, but why is it so hard... It is like dying... like you are losing a huge part of yourself. My H. acts like it is great.. he is sooooo happy... like it doesn't bother him at all... and I am dying... Why didn't he love me? What did I do that was so bad that he didn't want to spend time with me, be with me... if you are feeling any of that, I totally understand. A counselor told me that divorce is like death. You have to mourn, you have to get angry and you have to heal.
I am praying for you and your family.
Hi-
I can definitely relate to your situation. My ex was also a workaholic. He traveled internationally for his job and was away from home 60-70% of the time. He was often gone for 2-3 weeks at a time, home for a week or 2 then gone again. When he was home he would spend hours at night & weekends “doing business” on the phone. He claimed it was the time difference. He never had time for me or our family. We NEVER took vacations, he NEVER took me out (he said it was because he was ashamed to be with me). I was all about his stupid job (oops! CAREER). Hey, I work full time too, but I leave my work at work. Of course, he had plenty of time for his girlfriends while he traveled. I always told him his job was not for a married man with children.
I can honestly say I am happy with who I am now. I became so bitter because of his broken promises, lies, and cheating. Not to mention the verbal and emotional abuse. It almost destroyed me. I lived far too long holding on to a sinking ship.
I also was not afraid of being alone, as I was for the better part of our marriage, but I was afraid I would always be lonely. I was also afraid of making it financially, but everything has worked out just fine. My kids and I are much happier now. Especially since I am now married to a man who is committed to me and our family.
Karen
Sounds somewhat familiar, the working part. The promising that it will get better.
My H is going to a counselor to try to deal with his issues, like the inability to say no to work when people ask him to do a job and he is too busy... He is a contractor. I believe he is truly torn between wanting to work and spending time with us. But the question becomes, how long do I wait for something that may never happen. I love my husband, and I feel bad that he has issues that make him a workaholic, but I feel bad for the kids and myself that we see him a few hours a day, including weekend and he is short tempered and irritable during that time. It isn't fair to them.
I always figured that if you wanted to be divorced, you just get divorced, black and white. But it is sooooo not that simple! If my H was a jerk or I knew he didn't love me, I would gladly hand him his walking papers, but he is very torn up about this separation also, crying and feeling like he is not a good person b/c he isn't taking care of us the way he should. I sometimes wonder if he is a narcissist. That he just can't see that the work and the recognition that he gets from the work is not servicing him in any way, it is just wearing him out, and taking me and his daughters with him.
Sigh. I guess it is like a slow death, death of your dreams when you marry a person that you thought loved you first and would do anything for you.
Thanks for listening!!
Hope everyone has a great day.