Why So Unhappy
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Why So Unhappy
| Mon, 09-19-2005 - 2:02pm |
I was reading The Affair Message Board to get some perspective on the reality of infidelity. I personally believe that the world is turning to a dark distorted place where it's doesn't pay to trust anyone, but I keep trying to get a hold of myself by reading this board. My Disney world views about marriage are not helping me in this process but, in the end, the affair board will either turn me into a hermit or teach me to be more careful about whom I choose in the future. I'm reading a consensus of the messages and all the women say they are soooooo unhappy in the marriages. I remember specifically from my x other half that she also shared herself with someone else outside of the marriage that she was unhappy. I always asked what the problem was and of course there was never a problem until she gets caught cheating. I remember being very frustrated for years about our sex life, which created a snowball affect where I felt unwanted. This affect created similar feelings in her when I began to resent her for me not getting any and the beat goes on. I was wondering if others know that most of the times the selfish one in the marriage creates a change and everything that comes behind that change are results of their actions. I guest what I’m wondering is if people who were married loved each other at some point or was it all about sex from the beginning and we mistaken it for love. I think about all the divorce and cheating on this site alone and I got to believe that all these people couldn’t have loved each other. Who would hurt someone they love that much?

Well, if the cheating came up rather quickly, then I think you might have a point. It is appalling to me to hear of people cheating after one or two years of marriage, when they should still be emotionally honeymooning.
But for some of us, we went through a lot of changes, and lived through a lot of love-killing behaviors, with both spouses growing so far apart. I think in those cases it is still believable that the couple did once love each other truly. My Stbx didn't start having affairs until 13 years of marriage, at a time when his career was bringing him only disappointment and bankruptcy. And this co-incided with a time when I became physically and mentally incapable of giving him the attention and admiration he needed. Life stomped us both, and the marriage couldn't survive.
Hey Rosemile,
It breaks my heart to hear so many people say their spouse treats them so wonderful but they can't help but cheat on them. I have been divorced for about 2 months now and I filed the day I found out she was cheating. I have been through so much trying to save something that was unsaveable (I hope that’s a word). I feel so stupid for giving six years of my life to somebody so worthless, every bone in my body said head for the hills but there are people in the world that believe a marriage is forever. I wish I could find the spouses that are being lied to and tell them all. I commend you rosemile for remaining true I wish there were more of us out there, then maybe I wouldn't be set on remaining single till I die.
Thanks for listening
K
Hey Kenn....
Thanks for the post and welcome :)
It's hard to deal with infidelity. As you know, judging from your post.
For me, I was with my XH for 6 years, married for 6 months and we had one son together. I was pregnant with a planned baby number 2 when he left us. He left us for a 19 year old girl who was free, went out all the time and wasn't tied down to a baby and a pregnant wife. He was 28 when he left us.... obviously the age difference plays a big part in that "fun" he could get elsewhere.
My XH comes from a line of cheaters. His father, grandfather and mother all were cheaters. His father has been married 3 times and his mom 2 times. His grandfather cheated on his grandmother for years and his grandmother stayed! ( I don't know this first hand, his mother told me after XH left me )
I should also mention that at 30 years old, my XH has now been married and divorced TWICE. That's not normal. Actually I met his ex wife on these boards, by coincidence. They were happy together when he left her. He found in me what he wasn't getting with her... younger, prettier, thinner, and no responsibility. That isn't the story he told me though... everything was HORRIBLE when he left her and started pursuing me. EVERYTHING... I mean he complained about EVERYTHING with her, just the same as he is complaining about me to his girlfriend. It's a cycle. It will keep happening. It is what he has learned growing up.
I don't think it is a question of love. I believe that my XH loved me until the day he met her. I believe that slowly she showed him being young and free and irresponsible and he liked that as opposed to coming home and dealing with a cranky baby and a tired wife who was busy with not enough time for him. It isn't my fault and it wasn't his ex wife's fault and it won't be his girlfriend's fault when he leaves her.... it's just what he knows. It's learned behavior, just like riding a bike.
Of course, this is just my opinion, but I have thought a lot about this. This is just my case.......my life.
Hugs to you and good luck dealing with it all.... we know it's tough
Angelena