why these thoughts??

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2003
why these thoughts??
3
Sun, 03-06-2005 - 7:42am
Hi guys,just wondering if you could help me with a problem. I have been seperated from my husband for 6 months now. He had a blatant affair. Not caring who saw him with her He even brought her to my home while I was gone, All this was told to me by neighbors. Well things are over and I have moved on with my life. Moved 150 miles away and gone back to school and have a good job. However this is my problem. I think about things "all" of the time. Not always the bad stuff, sometimes memories of vacations or fun things we did together. I do stayy busy and school takes most of my time. But somehow these thought creep in. How do you handle this and when do they just go away. I do not want to be with him and know I never will. But why these thoughts? Thanks and God Bless
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Sun, 03-06-2005 - 10:49am

Hello,

How do you handle the memories... hmmmmm.

Well, I have been separated from my husband for a year and a half. We were divorced 1/18/05 and everything is final, said and done with.

The memories for me, still creep in. I sometimes think it is because I don't have any closure. I don't know when he started seeing this "girl" or why he started seeing this girl. I was 4 months pregnant when he left me and our 5 year old son. I had NO IDEA it was coming.

A lot has happened over the last year and a half. I am at the point now where I HATE HIM. I know it's a strong word, but it's true. He has changed completely and our children suffer. I never expected this. I thought he was a great husband and father before he left, now that he has her, it all has changed.

Even though all this has happened... I still think about it once in awhile. I have moved on, I have a live in boyfriend, but I have to deal with XH every 2 weeks if he decides he wants to see the kids..... so I guess the more negative things that happen and the more space there is, the more I think.

In order to deal with it, I just let the memory take it's course in my mind and then I move on. They are less and less now, and I think in time they will diminish completely. We will always have happy memories. I very rarely think of the bad things, from the relationship.

It is perfectly normal to think. We all do it. Even those who have been divorced for 20 years do it. We can't just erase a part of our lives. In my case XH took up 7 years of my life. I can't just let all of that go.

Just let them happen...... they will slow down soon. Give it time.

Hugs,

Angelena

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 03-06-2005 - 12:13pm

i think its perfectly normal - you are still in "mourning" - mourning for a marriage that could have been.... a love that was lost..... a dream. and its all pretty normal that when we look back - we see the "good times" and forget about the bad stuff.


i was wondering - you say that you are separated - are you divorced? sometimes you need the "closure" of divorce before you can move on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
Sun, 03-06-2005 - 7:01pm
when i first separated from my ex-h one of the best things a friend did for me (she had been divorced years before) was explain to me that there were going to be times i missed him , times i still loved him, times i wanted to go back, times i would think about good things with him, etc.
and im glad she did because otherwise when i started thinking those things i would have thought maybe we should get back together.
as it was it was hard not to go back sometimes.
these feelings are normal, they will fade, you will see things more clearly in 6 months or a year.
6 months after i separated from him i was a WRECK. youre still going through a lot.
good for you for moving and focusing on your life.
:)