wife left after 18 yrs update

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2005
wife left after 18 yrs update
10
Wed, 11-23-2005 - 3:38pm
Also just found out that the reasons she gave me and our children and both sides of the family lacked some critical data SHE HAS BEEN SEEING ANOTHER MAN , a married one at that with 3 kids of his own and a wife of 10 yrs.God talk about PAIN not meeting her needs is
one thing.I believe it was the other guy was probably the real reason she left,ive
discovered email shared between them that was pornographic.Going back 4 months.
and she has now revealed to me face to face she had been seeing him prior to her asking for the divorce, she also admits to meeting him and having some physical relations,GOD it hurts to know that.my oldest 2 daughters she also admitted this to and now the 18 yr old wont speak to her the 16 is caught in the middle because up to this time we have shared custody.I want revenge,I wanther love,I want my family back. I would,could forgive her but she wont budge as has said quote"I am an adult and am free to do what I want.someone anyone any ideas or been there before . HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 11-23-2005 - 4:07pm

I am in the "been there" category. My spouse found his new love before leaving our marriage. I am not proud of how long it took me to work through the anger stage, but hey, we all do this at our own pace. Stick around and vent here, because you will have a lot to say and our friends and families may not need to hear every bit of that... the boards are great for it.

You now have a final answer from her, you don't have to sit and wait in hope. You can know that you need to take time to heal and make a new plan for your life. Just as everyone heals on their own time-line, different people will achieve it in different ways. Personally, I chose not to date for a long time, because I didn't have anything but anger to offer for quite some time. You have other things that you can throw yourself into and keep busy while you heal. See the kids, be involved and interested in their young lives. Find some new hobbies that will help to relax you and allow you to see small victories or successes that will brighten your days. Take excellent care of yourself, put some thought and effort into seeing to your needs each day - rest, healthy habits and eating, LOTS of excercise (this will improve your energy and your mood). Take care of YOU. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 11-23-2005 - 4:45pm

njpiii...

Pianoguy knows how UPSET you are by the recent news your wife has tossed in your face. And if his situation was similar...he'd probably feel the same way YOU'RE FEELING?

But REVENGE ain't the answer!

The focus needs to be on the welfare and best possible environment for your children. ! This might be an issue you'll need to talk about with their teachers and a legal advisor.

You have grounds, but the amount of leverage depends upon how well you handle the heat that's inevitably going to be present......not only with the soon to be EX.....but also with the rest of the members of your family.

My prayers are with you....

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2005
Wed, 11-23-2005 - 5:35pm
The crazy thing is after 18 yrs I would still die for her Is that wrong. Ive been told get over it she want out with her new life but I cant let go I still want/need her maybe because its only been about 6 weeks but man she still is the only woman I think about, I love her and am having trouble thinking about her in any other way
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2005
Thu, 11-24-2005 - 1:38am
Does the other mans wife been informed about what is going on, most of them will run like rabbits when there wife finds out leaving the WS to learn the hard lessons about men married men that cheat .... you can't trust them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2005
Thu, 11-24-2005 - 6:42am

I know what you are going through. I know what it is like to have the one person in your life tell you that they love someone else and that someone else isnt you. Then they drive the knife in farther and tell you intimate secrets they shared with another person. Sweetie, believe me please, you do not want that love back. Nothing and I mean NOTHING would be the same as before she left. I have gone down that road with my ex and the only thing it did was cause me more pain. I know its hard and you may not want to hear this, but right now you have to do what is right for your children and yourself. Dont worry about her worry about you. You have to do this. She doesnt want to be there anymore. And whatever you do please please PLEASE think and write out a list of pros and cons if and when she decides her affair is over and wants to come home. Because once they start down the path of infidelity it is a hard road to come back from.

I am in the middle of a book I found at barnes and noble called spiritual divorce. It really has nothing to do with churchy preaching but rather finding hope and calmness for your own soul and piece of mind. It has helped me realize what was going on and has answered allot of my unanswered questions that I would want to ask my ex.

Please know that you are not alone with this....

Em

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2005
Thu, 11-24-2005 - 7:09am
yes I called the other woman the day after i found out,have not heard back from her yet though.I also told my wife how could she trust a man that is a cheater doesnt she know that the odds are if someone else better comes along he,ll do it again?????
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2005
Thu, 11-24-2005 - 9:31am
Did you send her the evidence, she has the right to know everything
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2005
Thu, 11-24-2005 - 10:00am
Yes and guess what she did she told her lawer and now wants to put a restraining order on me
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2005
Thu, 11-24-2005 - 9:52pm
She is living in denial ville, but sooner or later that village will burn to the ground.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2004
Fri, 11-25-2005 - 7:30am

(((Hugs)))


It really hurts to think of our spouse with someone new. One thing that the WS doesn't realize is that if they'll do it with you, they'll do it to you. As far as the OM wife, she's in a state of total denial, just leave it alone. If she wants to live in the dark then nothing will change her mind. I can't imagine how she could get a restraining order based on a phone call and an email, I'd hardly call that harassment and certainly not a threat of harm. As far as getting over it, wow, that's tough. I was very very angry for several months myself (I was 5 months preg with our third son). I had a wonderful therapist though. She basically had me force myself to be sad about it. Being angry is easy, being sad is the tough part, but it's also the part that will help you move on with your life. I would consider having your daughters (esp the one stuck in the middle of all this) see a therapist of some kind. It could really be of great benefit to them.


I don't know the laws in your state, but definatly hang on to that evidence and any other proof that this affair was going on long before she asked for the divorce. Not only can it be grounds to find fault, but in some states you can sue the OM or OW for Alienation of Affection. I know that doesn't help to ease the pain, but it could be benificial in the long run as far as legal costs or stuff your girls or you might need such as couseling.

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