Wife says she's done

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2007
Wife says she's done
6
Tue, 09-18-2007 - 10:36pm
Hi everyone. I guess I'll just start in.
My wife and I have been married 3.5 years and together about 4.5. When we met I was in Massage Therapy school and she had already been working in her career. She is 4 years older and came from a very different background than I did but we both hit it off the first time we met. My mind was made up that I met the person I would marry right away and it was more and more evident every day. Before I finished school we were married. She continued to progress in her career and get more promotions. I started out working to get experience and build up my skills. We both worked in VERY different fields, she has a corporate job and I have my job. That's not the only thing that was different, she grew up going to private schools on the East coast and eventually to an Ivy League college and I waited until I was 25 to go to Massage School. So our personalities are different. Anyway, I keep working and her job moves us around the area a couple times, I specialize in my career and end up in a bad job. This is about 2.5 years into the marriage. She now has moved into a slightly different field that that very high pressure and they relocate us out of the state. I was really burnt out on what I was doing and thought about looking into something else. If that something else didn't work out, I was going to continue with massage and go back to school. Her new job continued to be more and more difficult and stress her out more and more. I guess this is going to go on forever, I'm sorry I'll try to sum it up.
I have a fraction of the earning potential of my wife, she makes the money and in the begining we decided that when we had kids I would stay home. She has lately changed her mind about that and doesn't think I'm working hard enough and being a partner. I started my own practice this summer after we had started couseling and she was happy. I didn't keep pushing it at the end of the summer because no one was around and she decided that I was never going to work and wasn't the hard working person she thought I was. She doesn't think we have anything in common and we're not working towards the same thing. She wants a separation and now we're sleeping in separate rooms and she's not speaking to me. She doesn't think we can ever get back together. That's where we left the last counselors appointment at. I dont' want to loose her and I don't know what to do. I've been working like crazy on my practice but she thinks I'm just doing that for now. It was my plan all along. She also tells me that I havn't been appreciating her or affectionate but she's usually so stressed and doesn't want me near her. I feel like I'm getting alot of mixed signals.
I also feel like in our last counselors appt, the C threw me under the bus. I had started taking some classes and she asked my wife why she wasn't mad at me for that, because I had changed my mind and wasn't working on the business. She just went on and on and seemed to push every button my wife has.
I hope this makes some sense. I'm sorry if it doesn't. I really appreciate any input you guys have.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Wed, 09-19-2007 - 7:30am

Hi Fixie,


I hope you both can work this out, but it doesn't look good.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2007
Wed, 09-19-2007 - 10:25am

Thanks camult.

The part that really gets me is we were fine until we went the the last counselor appt. My wife gave me a card the day before that was really sweet and made me feel like I was moving in the right direction and it made me want to work even harder. Then the next night is when the MC started in on her about how I wasn't doing enough. If she was happy and things were working out and I was working on correcting my problems, why does the MC have the right to start saying these things.
Now, my wife is asking me logistical things about us separating. I respond but it seems like she wants me to be begging and crying about it when I'm trying to respect her decision and give her the space she's asking for. I've made it very clear that I can't imagine being without her and I'm not willing to let that happen. I've done the crying but that doesn't seem to help anything, I've told her what I think and how I'm focused and on track with work. All I can think to do is continue working and move forward with my career and respect her decisions. I'm just not clear how to handle it anymore.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
Wed, 09-19-2007 - 12:15pm

Hey fixie,


I've been there and I know what you are going through.


Camult is right on target.


Right now, you and your wife are not a match.


Its sad and painful, but if your

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Wed, 09-19-2007 - 9:30pm

Fixie,


I have a suggestion: find

CL-Wisdomtooth2020

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2007
Wed, 09-19-2007 - 10:42pm
Thank you all for your responses. I appreciate you taking the time. I'm definitely looking into marriage therapy on my own.
Thanks again for the reply.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2007
Wed, 09-26-2007 - 10:29am

I know this post is an older one, so I don't know where things are in your relationship now. I hope you are feeling better.

I do not think this is so much about your earnings vs. hers, but maybe about how she views herself as an extremely hard worker--someone passionate about her goals. Perhaps she has some resentment for how hard she works in all facets in her life, and views you as not pulling your weight. Perhaps she even wishes she could be as nonchalant about career goals as you are, as it can be extremely stressful when climbing up that social ladder.

If there is hope here, and you feel as if you want to try to make it work, it may be good to acknowledge how hard she works, and praise her for her advancements. Make those extra efforts when she is at home.

As for you, life is presenting you with a wonderful opportunity to explore what it is you want for your life. What are your dreams? What are your innermost goals? What is it that will make you as passionate about your pursuits as your wife is about hers?

Best of luck to you.