Wife's ex

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2006
Wife's ex
3
Wed, 10-18-2006 - 8:29pm

My wifes ex husband has been nothing short of annoying since I have married her. I am step-parenting her 2 children ages 12 boy and girl almost 17. He and I have never been in agreement about anything. I have my shortcomings but have always been decent. He is the type of man that wants to be married, have his cake and eat it too.A cheater and a liar!

I am basically old school even though I am only 50. I will not accept the unacceptable and I voice my opinion. Something he hates. He abused my wife during their marriage, physically ,verbally, and emotionally . Cheated before they were married and continued to do so during a 15 year marriage. Finally she divorced him.

He is now divorcing a woman he married from another country.After less than a 2 year marriage. They never even lived together. My wife and I found out because he called her at work and stated he did not want her to think he was doing anything wrong. He must have needed to justify his actions. The very week he told my wife he was getting a divorce again 3 days later he introduces my stepkids to another woman. Actually the very day he told them he was divorcing.

To make a a long story short we voiced our feelings to both of the children. I could care less what he does as long as it does not bother the kids or our home. My wife needless to say was upset about it. He lied to her again. He swore there was no other person and he was not doing anything wrong. Then boom the very day he tells he kids a new woman is in the picture. HELLO! WHAT KIND OF EXAMPLE DOES THAT SET! Plus we are not even sure if his current wife even knows about the divorce he is such a PUTZ!

Then he had the nuts to call me at my home and try to tell me I should not say anything in my own home to his kids about it. HELLO. I do not want them to think I think it is ok to act that way. What would that teach them? He also talked to me like I was some sort of little kid. I gave the phone to my stepdaughter disgusted.

At this point I have told my wife I want nothing to do with him. Do not want him on our property , visitation exchange with his children can take place at the end of our driveway. I have tried with this guy and I am done. Actually after talking with my wife and family far too much. I have taken enough! It is starting to disturb my marriage. It actually has caused arguements between my wife and I.

My wife at times says I bring it on myself. I have tried many times to talk with this man, get along and I now see he is a lost cause. I finally last week sent him an e-mail telling him exactly what I thought of him and to leave us alone. My wife says I should not have done that. Sorry but enough is enough.

I think in a way I have been wrong even trying to get along with this man. My wife at times complains about what he does and still says to her and the kids and it fuels my fire. Something I need to learn to ignore I believe. I really try to turn my head. He makes my blood boil as a man. He is a loser in my eyes. He had a wonderful wife, A nice home and 2 decent children, But that was not enough for this guy. I care very deeply for my wife and my stepkids. What is he thinking?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
Thu, 10-19-2006 - 5:17am

All I can do is give you hug, cause I been there, done that and didn't like the t-shirt and then I divorced my husband.

themedswede.jpg

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Thu, 10-19-2006 - 2:50pm
Sigh....I really feel for you. I also fear for me, because your post could have been written by my current or previous BF.
I understand that as men, you want to protect those you love. It is somewhat emasculating to have to put up with this jerk's continued self absorbed behavior when you can see how much it hurts those you care for. But be careful, it is your wife's call on how much she and her kids put up with from this guy. They are used to it, and most likely, don't get as bothered by it as you may think. You don't want to be another controlling demanding person in her life.
He is who he is, no one can change him, she divorced him because of his screwed up behavior. Logic is a waste of time with him. These guys thrive on attention, negative attention counts. By getting riled you are adding one more person to his sources of getting his attention high, and his perception that he has control over your life. Don't give this guy the satisfaction by calling him and letting him know he's gotten to you.
You may want to find a psychologist who works with solution-based therapy rather than traditional analysis based therapy. This is very goal oriented therapy, focusing on changing your patterns of behavior and to look at the problem from a more productive point of view rather than trying to explain or analyze past behavior. This type of couples therapy should help you feel less angry, understand your wife's situation, and for her to understand your position. More than that, the therapist will give you concrete ideas of things to DO to change how you react to the situation. No therapy will work with someone like your wife's X. You can only change how you respond to his behavior. I know I will suggest this to my current BF if we get more serious and start to discuss marriage. His X is almost as bad as mine, so we will have a hard road negotiating that added pressure on our relationship.
Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2006
Sun, 10-22-2006 - 9:48pm

I will always protect all the people I care about. As far as anger. That has subsided. It was not so much anger as it was being discusted at another grown man acting like a child. But again I realize he will never change no matter who he is with. He is who he is.

The children always play both ends and the middle, to get what they want when they want it. That also bothers me but I understand it. Kids are kids. They are used to also getting just about anything they want . Spoiled.

My wife and I had been at odds a few times but that also has been dealt with. We communicate alot and both repect and understand each others opinions.

I personally have a therapist and utilize him to the utmost. It has helped me a great deal dealing with a blended family, and also teenage children. I strive on a daily basis to be a better husband, person, dad and step dad. Thanks for your input.