Will this ever stop?
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| Tue, 03-01-2005 - 5:09pm |
First -- I know I'm not alone here in many things -- one is that this board and everyone here are lifesavers! There are days when I can't wait to get on and feel connected.
That said --
I posted a while back, I guess this is an update/continuation. My x (since he is 'single' now and apparently in love with the word) is still living here in our small townhouse. I know this is where I will get the boos (and rightly so)..he is still/back in the bedroom. We only have the one bed and the guest room is a study("his room"), and I feel bad with him on the couch because he can't sleep. I know -- we are only in this situation because of him. He's been calling the shots, making the decisions where it comes to us. He will be here at least through the end of March.
I have been devestated about this, but do feel like I am starting to reconnect with me. I don't want it to go back the way it was, partly because I know it's impossible. But, I don't want it to be over either.
We were talking the other night before going to sleep. He had taken some sleeping medicine his dr. gave him with the anti depressants. I have learned that he says what's on his mind during this time, but doesn't always remember voicing it. He's very honest at these times. Well, he said something (yes, he was holding me 'like old times') about how he would go out on the weekends and meet pretty girls and talk to them, buy them drinks, and sometimes kiss them (my insides felt sick), but he just wanted to come back home and be with me. I asked him which he wanted more. I told him he didn't have to answer right then, but he would have to decide soon. Why didn't he think about any of this before? It's like he was so anxious to change everythng about his life, he didn't look to see what he would miss or actually wanted to change.
Things have been going back and forth like crazy now. A friend called this weekend to see if we had an extra room she could stay in for at least a week. She was planning on leaving home. I found a friend's empty place and let her now. She was planning on leaving the next morning. When she called that day, she said she didn't need it anymore. (Good for them!) My x commented that she must be really confused to change her mind like that. I agreed, but told him I wasn't surprised because that's what people in committed relationships did -- they worked on the relationship together before deciding to just walk out. I think he got the jib. Nothing else was said.
Is he having second thoughts? One day he says stuff like he's single and when he moves. The noxt hour he talks about us doing something next year or doing some change/improvement to our place. (The townhouse is mine.) I am so confused and tired. We go through the week like normal, then he turns into an 18 year old jerk on the weekends.
Sorry this has gone on so long. I tend to not realize how much I need to get out until I start typing.
Thanks everyone! I don't know what I would be doing without you guys.
Ruth

Hi Ruth.... I think that being confused is perfectly normal (even when you think you know what you want the majority of the time!).
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
Ruth, I feel your pain! Our situations mirror each other's in many ways. My stbx is now on the couch, but he was also in the bed for a while and my friends who knew were mortified! We were not physical at all, but he didn't want to go to the couch and our air mattress is broken. We also have a small townhouse and he could have slept in one of the kids' beds (they tend to "sleepover" in each other's rooms), but one day we had an arguement and that night he dragged blankets and pillows to the couch. He's been there since, which kills me because he bought me those couches when we decided to work it out after he confessed to being in love with someone at work. That was 3 1/2 years ago and having him sleep on the couch each night is starting to soften the cushions. I don't want to have him ruin it, but what can I do? He's here for a while yet and I think I'm going to get an airbed when I can afford it - maybe never.
As for him reconnecting with you and him considering trying to work it out, I get red flags when I hear this. I feel like he's using you and he's not taking your feelings into consideration at all because of his needs on the weekends. I know I'm biased from my experience(s) with my stbx who told me similar things when I was devastated at his love for his co-worker.
If I were you, I would try to take things a day at a time. It is perfectly okay for you to tell him you aren't comfortable talking about next year.
Hang in there, I've been thinking about you!
Melanie
In reading these posts, I've seen a connection in our situations too, Melanie. It's so nice to know I'm not really alone even when I feel seperated and detached and, yes so lonely. I have also thought I am being used, but that hurts so much. He's doing 2 or 3 things and saying other things, and they all contradict each other! He called me from work last night to 'invite' me to dinner with him. Of course, he was on his way right then. I actually already had dinner plans with a friend. I told him maybe another time and we could even plan on a day. He said, no that's okay, I'll just call again! Am I reading too much into this? He usually does invite me to dinner about once a week and every time I've been unable to meet him. I've always had a problem with that -- I want to drop everything and go. I can't explain the feeling I get, but I remember having the exact same feelings when I was in 1st grade! I worry I'll never get the chance to eat dinner with him again, that was the last chance I'd get to see him. I'm rambling again. Sorry! :-\
Don't worry about being biased because of your situation! We all learn from each other and as you said, we're going through a lot of the same things!
Ruth