Will I ever feel better?
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| Sun, 07-30-2006 - 2:17pm |
I have only been married for 8 months, and already I am getting divorced. When I look back on it, I should have never married him in the first place, there were warning signs there. Sketchy behavior, making me cry on my birthday, yelling at me at my grandmom's funeral, extreme jealousy and overall controlling behavior. I made excuses and chalked it all up to stress of planning a wedding and him getting a new job.
For 6 months I bit my tongue. I tried to adjust to "married life" when he wasn't. He had problems, and I tried to get him help. He had a breakdown, and I stayed, I got him into a hospital program, and on medication. 3 weeks after leaving his program he went off his meds, one week later he left me. After 6 months of marriage turmoil, fighting, therapy, suffering emotional and mental abuse, he left. He left with my entire life savings. Within those 3 weeks he closed all of the bank accounts, which had become joint, and moved the money.
When I met him, I had no clue there was something wrong. Now I have doctors telling me that my soon to be ex is bipolar, has had a break with reality and will never recover to be a fully fuctioning adult in the normal everyday world.
Somehow, I feel like all of this is my fault. I feel compelled to continue to offer him help. Some part of me tells me I should stay, that he is sick, that he cannot help it. I cannot stop crying, even driving in my car or sitting at my desk, it just starts. I cannot sleep, eat and I don't want to do anything. I look at the debt he left me with, and I cry, I just cannot stop crying.
When will all of it stop? When will I stop crying? How did everything go so wrong so fast? When am I ever going to feel better?

I'm so sorry. My brother is bipolar. It is so so difficult. And if he is just being diagnosed, he probably has a long long road ahead of him. It took my brother about 10 years to stabilize. (he is now on very good meds that work for him, is stable, and is a pure joy to be around)
My brother fortunately had us to stand behind him and struggle with him. (well, mostly my mother, really) Does your stbx have family? Really, it isn't your fault. I can't imagine being married to someone like that. It simply isn't what you bargained for. Please don't feel guilty. And certainly you can be supportive of him without being married to him. (or even if you just cut him off completely...completely justified. It isn't as if you've been married to him for a lifetime.)
I can understand your predicament but it is enough that you have empathy for him. That is very kind of you.
My stbx has isolated his family over the years with irresponsible and selfish behavior, and they do not want to have anything to do with this. His friends are not real friends, but drinking buddies, and could not be of any support. That is why I feel the need to continue to help him. Even on medication he is delusional.
The other aspect is the missing money. Not me, my lawyer or his lawyer know where it is. If I lose track of him, my life savings is gone.
But continuing to help him is also emotionally and mentally draining on me.
The answer to your first BIG question. Will you ever feel better? YES. An absolute, resounding yes. I will tell you honestly, when I filed for divorce the firt time (I lost my nerve that time, reconciled, and eventually divorced), I was a complete mess. Fast forward several years later, and my life has never been better. Things can and no improve, even if you think it's impossible.
Now, on to the other topics. First, I am surprised that the dr's said your H would never fully recover and become a fully functioning adult. I've seen some pretty serious cases of mania and depression, and most were treated will with therapy and medication. HOWEVER...that does NOT mean you have to stay with someone who is emotionally and financially abusive to you. The vows say in sickness and in health...they do not say you have to endure cruelty.
I would suggest you see an attorney ASAP to see if you can recoup some of your money. The sooner the better, before too much time elapses.
1st off - you are TOTALLY not at ALL at fault.