Will I ever get it?
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| Wed, 07-19-2006 - 4:37pm |
I had an appointment with my counselor today She knows how much I struggled deciding to divorce X. She told me flat out that I made the right decision, in fact, it seems like everyone feels the same way but me. I think that is something important for me to come to terms with so I can heal.
It’s not like I want him back. A part of me wishes we could be friends but I know because of the circumstances that would not be a good idea. I just hate being so defensive, argumentative and angry every time I see him (which hasn’t been often). I know I get like that because I am afraid that I will let him talk me into getting back with him. I want to forgive him, forgive myself, let go and move on. I don’t want to be an angry, bitter person.
Another part of the problem is that I care more about him than myself. Is that a woman thing? Are we conditioned to do that? Or is it a religious thing? It’s not godly to be selfish. Most Christian counselors would say to be a healthy, whole person it is important to put God first, self second and others last. How do things become so twisted? Why isn’t how I feel and what I want important TO ME.
Trying to survive...one day at a time.
Donna

I can sympathize with you! I feel very confuse myself…..I struggle with the way my catholic background plays into how to handle my situation: how love is more important than money, treat others how you would like to be treated, Family is #1.
I also don’t want to be angry or bitter so I struggle every day because I tend to forgive and forget. Everyday is a new day. My situation is that I was the provider for the family not by choice but I did what I had to do to support us. My feeling is that my husband got comfortable trying to pick and choose the career that never took off. Now we have a precious 2 year old and I rather work part time or work less to spend more time with our son. My husband has not been able to pick up the slack financially. He has not worked since November. I have been taking care of most of the bills for most of time. I feel that if it was up to him I could keep working until he sits and wait for the high paying job that doesn’t come.
As long as the bills are paid our family seems to be fine!……He is a good loving husband and very handy around the house; However the lack the financial support makes me feel neglected. The fact that I bought the house, the car, and all the bills are on my name makes me feel that my relationship is not balanced; yet we expect all this from our husbands. I there a double standard??? I grew up with the notion that the man should be the provider, my dad has always been the provider but he also taught me to have a career and to be able to take care of myself………. what gives????
I wish I could look at my life from the outside looking in, Cause I think I'm missing something and I don't know what it is??
When did the tables turn(women now supporting their families more than men)? My X was the same way about working, but I knen that before I married him. It did play a small part in why we got divorced, but I most like would have stayed (at least a lot longer) if it were not for other more serious issues. It is a lot of pressure and stress trying to do it all. Marriage is suppose to be a partnership but it rarely seems to work that way (no wonder there are so many divorce).
I hope that things will get better. Divorce is ugly and it will not solve financial probles but more likely make them worse. My thoughts are with you. Take care!
Donna
I'm glad you are seeing a therapist, Donna. Sometimes, that can be difficult to do.
It's a codependant thing. There's a board here- Codependants and Love Addicts- that you might want to check out.
Donna,
I could have written that very post myself. I will say this....I've started forcing myself to be more vocal in what I want (although I will be moving out in two weeks and filing for divorce at that same time). I've forced myself to start suggesting where we eat and what we do for recreational activities and it's been very liberating and makes me feel good about myself. It seems silly that something so trivial as saying "I'd like to eat at Outback" instead of "I don't care, what would YOU like" can make me feel better.
I know what you're feeling can be terribly frustrating. My thoughts are with you.
Sandi
hey there donna.
i don't know if its a religious thing (i am from a different religion but i think that i had much of the same issues) - or a women thing, or a generation thing or whatever.
one thing that i did learn thru therapy is that the healthy thing to do is to take care of yourself. this doesnt' mean to be selfish, it doesn't mean to neglect god, husband, family - but it does mean that until you learn to have a healthy relationship with "you" - then you are not going to be able to maintain healthy relationships with others. that's what i think
I also lived my life thru fear (of god, society) and i married (twice, mind you) because that was how i was raised - that women "had to" be married. "had to" have a husband to "take care of you". and i am not saying that marriage is BAD necessarily - but it shouldn't be the only goal in life.
i am finally, at age 45, able to stand up and say what i belive and dont' believe in. and it feels good, and i am finally doing things that make sense.
hang in there.
Guy here, stayed in a loveless marriage for more than fifteen years largely because of religious convictions; believed somehow it must have been all my fault.
Realized late I had come to not care if I lived or died and was dying inside. Final realization that my now "soon-to-be-ex" had manipulated those convictions to keep me there under her control was the last chain to fall off and have now filed after a 25 year marriage (so-called).
I have come to see now that the "Christian" thing has mainly to do with this--that real Christianity is more about what God does to make up for human failings than it is about us striving to be better campers. Somehow I know that God is walking with me through this time in my life and will see me through it, including overcoming my errors in judgment and wrong decisions. And that God never intended for me to be abused and will help me recover.
Not sure if this is applicable to you but it is a very important piece to me.
Rediscovering
Hey there, Donna! I think there's a big difference between selfishness and self-preservation. It sounds like you are making a move toward self-preservation. As the years went on in my marriage, i became a bitter, sad, lonely person. I had completely given up on my goals and dreams. If I had stayed married, I don't know if I could have survived. I know that sounds extreme, but it's true.
I wouldn't consider myself a religious person, but I do believe that God or a higher power does forgive us for our mistakes, including choosing the wrong partner. I don't think he/she wants us to suffer our whole lives because of that. Just my very humble opinion.