WILL I SURVIVE?????????????

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2004
WILL I SURVIVE?????????????
3
Sat, 12-17-2005 - 9:55am
I've posted here a long time ago. Here is the short virsion of a long sceniro: Married 10 years, 3girls, 2 dogslol, nice home, etc... anyway he was a builder we were comfortable, he got into drugs, went to rehab for three days to get off oxycotin, came home of course it got worse. At three different times I took him back, during this we lost everything even the poor dogs. Moved in with his parents, on the last time I took him back, I found out he cheated on me during one of those seperations with a 19 yr old druggie, he at the time was 35, and then I caught him buying drugs. I moved into housing(low income), he stayed for a bit with his parents. Now 2 years later...I was divorced this past Feb, I did file all the papper work, for the divorce and child support. I had to go to court for child support since he was not paying anything to me. I was caught off guard when she issued the divorce, I just went for support and then she said, you have also at one point filed for divorce, and i'm going to issue that for you. I was shocked, I didn't expect it, well then. I guess if she didn't do it then maybe i wouldn't of done it all. In the past few months he had gotten a girlfriend, she is really nice it's either unfortunate or fortunate for me that I do like her. She is good to our girls, and they like her alot. She is 27,me 34(but I look younger then her,lol I know I'm caddy). At first I was jealous, then I saw her yes this is SUPER CADDY OF ME I KNOW, but it helps that i know I'm prettier and skinner(<---he use to call me a fat b@$*@). Told you it was caddy. Since he has been with her he has started paying support everyweek, and now he is ordered to pay extra support since he owes back support of $7,000.00. I was seeing someone for a few months if you can call it that, he was younger then me, 24, but I didn't let the girls meet him, untill I was sure. I would see him very rarely. Then 2 weeks ago I ended it. i think it was just that i needed to know someone was their. My x takes the girls now every weekend, he has to have supervised visits(unitll he submits hair) I trust his gf, and I know its because of her he's changing. I'm so mad he couldn't change for me, he tells everyone that I didn't stand bye him but i did. We were seperated for two years and that's when during those two years i had taken him back off and on, but he wasn't changing. I'm angry now he is. So should I have wated, I don't know. You know the saying, I love him but I'm not in love with him, well thats what i feel. I hate him now I'm so angry about everything he made us loose and destroying our family. I have not in the past two years spent more then 5 mins with him, I can't I just want to rip out his throat. Now, that I'm alone(no guy) or even when I had that one,lol. I have so many mixed feelings, do i want him back even though we faught alot, me not knowing he was on drugs talk about blinders on. He is a very nice looking man, he was a good provider, a good father, was he a good husband?i don't know, because on the outside people would say yes, but in the inside of the home he slept on the couch bc the girls always came in our room, then when they finally got in their beds he didn't really sleep with me at all, sex was hardly. We never did anything with just us two. I'm thinking of all this as, the vision of her and him last nite, when they came to get the girls, My youngest was telling me to give her another kiss good bye at this time it was her fourth one and i had to lean in the car to give it to her, so yes i was aggravated he was with her ususally she will come pick them up and he stays with her two kids, so when i leaned in it just flew out of my mouth hurry up and give me a kiss so i can get away from him. Then i leaned out so the other two could get in and i saw her lean over and look at him affectionatly, because i said that and she grabbed his face and gave him a kiss and said love you babe. My heart sunk, and i just walked away. Does anyone know what I want? I don't know what I want!! I wish for my old life back, but of course changed, sometimes I think maybe ill tell him i want him back, then i feel bad for her. She was not the cause. But I'm angry and yes I'm the bitter xwife. Can someone helpme? I'm sad, depressed and lonely. My friends always say your a beautiful woman go out have fun, but that was never really me to hit the clubs or the bar. plus i have panic attacks another storylol, Gawd!!!!!! I'm bitter and messed up.
Laura
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003
Sat, 12-17-2005 - 11:50am

Laura,
perhaps it helps to know that your feelings are not un-usual - or at least that the mix up is also what I lived.

You are trying to live your life backwards. YOu say you don't know what you want: yes you do dear. You don't want back the life you had with him!!! it is very good that you are out of the way, and that you have distance build in. Some couples don't work out, and he was not a good husband. Perhaps he has learned in the process how to be a good husband to his new girlfriend? it is possible. A smart human being learns from past mistakes (although I haven't seen it happen often with men... here I am catty). Would he have been different if you waited? how long? you waited two years, wasted two years, money, affection and good will. Hope dies too, and with it a part of our heart. You say that you love him but are not in love with him - yet, you cannot stay in the same room. Take distance then.

It is a good thing that the gf is actually nice with the girls. It is quite rare, because the girls represent a part of his life she normally would prefer not to know about. It is also normal that you feel shaken by that - there is a fear of being replaced present in this kind of situation, and it is an emotional fear, even if you KNOW its not going to happen, it still shakes the heart.

Any way you look at it, it is difficult to see another person playing "happy family" in your place, with the people you love, in the places you have been, perhaps even in your old house. I know all this very well, the green-eyed monster visit me too regularly. Anger is an ugly animal, that hurts more whomever foster it that the person it is directed to: I try to get rid of it, and to get my heart at peace. Recognising that you are entitled to feel anger may help, and then you may be able to let go.

It is good you have friends to cheer you up and comfort you!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2004
Sat, 12-17-2005 - 4:59pm
Folle, thank you. Your so right on so many levels. We lost the house, so i'm not worried about seeing him in it. I hate the fact that I'm alone and he's just starting over, he once said to me that he would never date or remarry, i know things change. I really honestly don't want to live the life I had with him. Their was so many problems, not with money, but with us. I was pregnet 5 months after we met. I was one of those 1% on the pill, beleive me from my past child hood, i never wanted to get marry or have children, i never wanted to go through what my mother did. We married when our first daughter was 1, it was a beautiful wedding. I started at one point to rip up the pics, but i did stop for my children's sake. He was the type of guy everyone loved he had so many friends, he was a great giver to us and provider. But he wasn't a good husband to me, im not laying all the blame on him by any means. I had issues, We went to marriage counseling 3 times, it would be ok in the beginning and then poof, you see John did what John wanted to do, if the girls had a concert at school, or teachers meetings he would say, I cant miss work, but if it was a beautiful day out off to the country club for golf. we for a while never went away together, the honeymoom was a day in Maine, I didn't want to leave Cianna for a long time. We did go to Myrtle beach rented a house on the ocean, and we also went to disneyland, we did this for a couple of years. But he does have a drinking problem, and if you saw any of our pics their is always a drink in his hand. Except Disney of course, but, him and I never went anywhere together. He's been to veagas 3 times, canada for hockey, cape for hockey, cape for golf, Myrtle beach on his own for golf. Yes I did get a huge house nice cars, but if you look closely at it their was always a reason he gave them to me, basicly was so he could do all the things he wanted to do. Now, me, ok yes in the beginnig my apt was always cleaned then came cianna, stayed clean, then we moved in a rented house, bad thing to close to the bar, I found out i was pregnet with Natalia, after having her of course the first grandchild is what we had so you can imagine all the gifts toys etc.. and people always stoping bye. So the house was never disgusting it just wasn't picked up. I had post partum depression after her and lost it one night screaming at him for never being home to help me screaming at the girls, it was awful. I went to counseling once again, he started helping a little. then found out when Natalia was only 9 months old i was pregnet again. so we decided to buy his grandparents large ranch. Then we re did the whole thing. at that point the girls were getting older sonja was still ababy. But by then we lived as roommates, but everyone said you guys fight all the time you mad about him never being home and him about you being a bit@@, and not cleaning the house. I was depressed when we expaned but happy at the same time. I think he felt overloaded maybe, that's when he started using drugs i honestly had no clue, I feel he cheated me out of my life that i had, and I don't know how to get out from under my skin. I suffer from sever panic, which he was good to me then I had to wear a heart monitor for months untill the found out why i had black outs, they fixed the problem with my heart but the flipping panic remains, yes i do take meds for that. My family says I need to get out more, to learn to live again with out him. I'm trying, not hard enough though. I just want to feel loved, really loved(yes i know that the girls love me) but the woman in me wants it. You know that opening song to king of queens lol I love the part where it says, "Just grab my check and come home to you" Not once in the years John and I were together did he ever come straight home to me. Ok now I'm rambeling sorry, but thank you for answering my message folle,
laura
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003
Fri, 12-23-2005 - 4:10pm

Hi Laura,
of course it feels lonely - sometimes so badly there is no word for it. Knowing that one is working had at it, and some others have it out laid on a silver platter is no help.. but then again, is there really a such a thing as a "silver platter"?

You are rightly proud of what you build for your girls. It has been difficult, but you did it, and alone. Alone, since the beginning: a man working, playing golf and prioritizing buddies is not a companion, nor someone sharing life with you. Sadly so, at some point we need to let go.

If you so wish, drop me a note in my email...