Will I Survive?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2005
Will I Survive?
4
Sun, 05-15-2005 - 11:05pm

Today is the first day I have looked at this message board.
My Story: My STBX moved out at the 2nd of April and has filed for divorce. I still love him and wish I could stop all of this but he has made it clear to me that he does not love me and never really did (information I could have used 15 years ago). He is in the military and was deployed last year and I believe that he met someone during the deployment although he denies it. I have three children ages 11, 9 and 7. This has been a horrible 18 months for them. First their dad was gone on duty and now he is just gone. He sees the kids when he wants (not often) calls them when he feels like it (not often). I hurt for the kids and myself. Why do I still love a man who has totally turned his back on me and our kids?

I have talked to my priest and he thinks it will take a long time for me to move forward because I am still in love with STBX. I am seeing a counselor tomorrow. I feel like there is something wrong with me. How can I love and cry over a man who has treated me with such disrespect. I have to get over him. I have to stop loving him.

STBX is serving me with divorce papers this week. I don't even have a lawyer yet. I have not worked in years. I do have a job interview tomorrow. I need advice. How did you start moving on--away from your husband. I catch myself thinking sometimes that we will get back together. I know that will never happen. My brain knows it, my heart is stupid. My heart still thinks there is hope. Sorry this is long. I am rambling.

Good luck to all,
Kim

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2005
In reply to: kan797s
Sun, 05-15-2005 - 11:54pm
Welcome to the board. First of all let me assure you that you will survive. Let me also tell you that divorce is rarely easy. You can't just turn your feelings off like a faucet. What you are feeling is normal. Congrats on seeing a counselor. Excellent first step in the right direction, it will help you alot. Good luck on job interview. Your heart isn't stupid, it's just slower than the brain. Hearts don't like to be broken, so it takes them a little longer to see the truth sometimes. You will get a lot of support on this board. The people here are great.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2004
In reply to: kan797s
Mon, 05-16-2005 - 6:13pm
Hi Kim, All I can tell you is "One Day At A Time". I was married for 20years when my husband decided he wanted to be with my "best friend". I thought I was going to die. I thought I would never stop crying and didn't know how I was going to survive. You do survive. It's been a year now since he left. He has already remarried my no longer friend. I not only lost my husband (who was my actual best friend) but also my "friend" and her very large family. It was devastating! I was a stay at home mom and had to go out and find work to take care of myself and my 2 teenagers. But I perservered and found 2 jobs, found my own place & am doing ok. I still have my bad days and still think I love him a little bit. He will always be in my heart but he hurt me terribly and has also hurt my kids. We are all on the mend. I'm not ready to start dating yet but thats ok. My kids need me more. You will be ok. I know you hurt but the love of those around you will help and you will survive! Believe me!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
In reply to: kan797s
Mon, 05-16-2005 - 6:28pm

Kim,

YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!!!!!!

Kudos on finding a supportive place like this message board where you can learn from others' experiences. There are many women here who have been where you have and are now happy, confident and successful.

Psychological and ministerial counselling will help you...keep that up. Seek it for your kids if necessary. Educate yourself, search the web, read books, learn from support groups, re-educate yourself as to job training if necessary.

I was primarily a SAHM for 15 years before my divorce and now am happily self-supporting. It is possible.

I read an interesting quote...don't know who said it, though--may have been Dr. Phil.

"Time heals nothing--it's what you DO with that time that matters!"

I like that. You have to change to cope with your loss. Take action for yourself. You will heal and the pain will ease.

Good luck and take care of yourself.

Cupcake

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
In reply to: kan797s
Mon, 05-16-2005 - 10:46pm
PLREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESE get an lawyer to protect you. (speaking from experience!). Especially with regards to the children.