Will it ever get better?
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| Fri, 06-29-2007 - 12:33am |
Hello everybody!
I'm new to this board. Honestly, I never expected to ever have to post here.
I am still fairly in shock and sort of know, but can't comprehend how our marriage just broke apart.
Here's my story: The day after my graduation from college June 17th my husband had arranged for some mutual friends to take me out while he moved his stuff out of our home. He wanted me to have company and not be alone when I found out.
The thing is - I didn't see it coming. Not at all. We always had so much fun together, we always told each other "I love you" and we were close and romantic. He would surprise me with little things (a romantic picnic, cleaning up the house, etc.). We barely fought and always talked about how we were doing, if one of us was happy or not... He never said anything negative. I asked him "Is there anything I need to work on?" and he always said "No, everything's great. I will always love you." Even our romantic life was great.
So imagine my suprise. In the note he left, he said he hadn't been happy for a long time (on and off for the past 2 years) and that he was young and naive when we got married and that he wanted to be finally single and on his own.
Yes- we were young (I was almost 21, he 23) when we got married. And yes, neither one has lived on his/her own... He was my first boyfriend ever. I knew exactly what I said when I said "I do" and that I would always be with him in good times and in bad. I knew what I gave up and I gladly did it. I thought he felt the same way.
Now I am just so alone. I am left in our home, where everything reminds me of him. I'm taking care of our 4 pets. I have known him for 10 years almost and we've been married for almost 8 years. Everything reminds me of him, my whole life has turned upside down. To make it worse... I am originally from Germany and moved for him across the world. Now I have to think about what I want to do - stay here and attend grad school (as planned - my husband says he still wants to support it) or go back to Germany? Relocating once was hard enough... I don't know what to do.
I have some great friends here who're there for me- but it's not the same as family and old, safe surroundings. All of them say I will get over him, will find another man. I can't even think about that. I love him so much still. I can't believe he's willing to let it all go. He's already out dating - but tells me he hopes we can be friends and still care deeply about each other. I want to, too. But can that be? Not any time soon.
And no, I have never ever had a break up before- so I have to do all this without any prior knowledge on how to deal with it.
It's been almost 2 weeks since my world collapsed and some friends (the ones who took me out and knew about this w/out telling me) are almost upset with me that I'm not out alrady partying and meeting new guys. I can't imagine doing anything like that anytime soon- but do they have the right to be so angry/ impatient with me? Other frieds ask me why I even consider them friends - given that they took me to play minigolf while they knew my husband was moving out.
I am just so scared, alone and I feel so betrayed and embarassed. Will it ever get better?!
Thanks for reading all this.

I will start where you finished. NO, your "friends" are out of line, but then these are the same friends that were in on the deception. They are just plain wrong and I would distance myself from them.
I would stick with the friends who offer support.
I would also get myself into individual counseling asap. You need a rational, professional, supportive person to work through this tremendous loss and betrayal with!
Two weeks! To get over a marriage! No way.
Come on by here and vent all you want. We can be supportive and we certainly know what it is like.
Don't try to make any big decisions right now. Find a lawyer, find a counselor and take time to take care of you. Curl up and cry when you need to. Take yourself to a movie for distraction when you need to and do everything you can to keep your chin up and keep soldiering on through your daily responsibilities.
Hugs,
M
Shib,
First of all, the so-called "friends" who got you out of the way so your husband could betray you
CL-Wisdomtooth2020
I went through stages in my recovery. I had 100% trust in my ex and was blind sided like you .
What I did not have in my recovery was someone to talk too. To openly discuse my feeling and actions.
You are welcome to ask me or talk to me about anything. I will always give you my honest feelings.
Hope I can help in this period of TIME, The TIME it takes is up to you.
Hello everybody!
I wanted to say THANK YOU for being so kind.
Today I had a pretty rough day. I decided to go out and meet up with some ex work buddies and that was so hard. One is a newly wed friend who's also a new mother and the other will get engaged sometime this year. They were trying to be understanding, but just hearing them talk about their lives hurt. And yup - it seems now that I'm separated, I see only happy couples.
I have better days and not so good ones. I saw some really close friends last night and they were wonderful and took care of me.
I will probably move (with the pets, they're my babies!) to a place my friend will rent me... it's a basement apartment in her house which has a huge room, bathroom, kitchen and I get to use their huuuuge backyard for playing with my dog etc.
My husband is being really nice actually, he's not trying to take money or anything - so at least in that regard I'm doing ok. I just still feel so confused and alone. I'm journaling a lot, I think that's helping.
Thanks again for all of your sweet answers, it's MUCH appreciated.
If anybody knows about pro bono lawyers in California, please let me know. We don't have a lot of money right now and would like to save as much as possible. THANKS!
Shipinvegas,
I'm so sorry you are going through this, and that you are so far away from your family. I think everyone in this string has given you excellent advice, especially about seeking all of the support you can get. I found that being around my family, and "real" friends has helped me alot, especially when I was in the shock phase that you must also be in right now.
Maybe your other friends that are suggesting you should have already moved on are either are just too young and/or inexperienced in life to know what they are talking about. If you are going to associate with them at all, maybe you need to tell them how betrayed you feel by what they did, and that you are dealing with the death of your marriage right now, so you need and deserve to be shown some respect and compassion for that.
I know what you mean about it being hard to hear the things that would normally make you feel happy for your friends. I'm having a very hard time with that myself right now. I hate feeling jealous of other people, especially people I care about, as that is not normal for me, but I guess maybe it is just a phase until the greiving has subsided and time has had a chance to help with the healing process. I've only been divorced for a month.
I'm trying to focus on what I do have instead of what I don't, and remind myself that so many people have so much less than me, and so many people don't have anyone at all, no family or friends. I think though, that even for the most positive thinking, and God trusting people, it still can affect us that way, when we've lost so much of what we thought our lives were, and so fast - all out of our own hands.
So if we feel sad for now, and jealous, and sorry for ourselves for awhile, I think it's OK, just so we keep trying to focus on the good stuff when we can, and are making some progress with moving on.
Some of the moving on does need to go slow for some of us - until we are ready for the next step. I am so thankful to have had an excellent counselor to tell me I had every right to do things in my own timing, and that my lawyer was great about that too. My self confidence was at an all time low, and my husband was trying very hard to push and rush me along with every phase of the divorce in his usual judgemental, impatient, frustrated with me attitude - as if I wasn't feeling rejected enough as it was - and it was all I could do just to try to take care of my mental and physical health and get to work every day at that time.
I don't know what would have happened to me if I didn't have such great support from my counselor, lawyer, friends and family. They can all help hold you up when you feel you can't do it by yourself. I think God was working through all of them for me.
Hang in there.