will the pain and anger ever go away?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2006
will the pain and anger ever go away?
4
Wed, 11-29-2006 - 3:17am
it's been 7 mths since my ex left.We were together for 12 years and we have 5 children together.7 mths ago I caught him in bed with another woman.we had everything a home,kids,car a pretty good life together.3 of our children suffer severe specialneeds and he left me with all our children.He has not called to check on the kids or gave us a dime since he left.his new girlfriend ALWAYS has something to say when I call him to ask when he is going to step up and act like a father.The hurt is STILL there and I feel So betrayed. i devoted 12 yrs of my life to him and this is basically the thanks I get.I lost my home because when he left I had to quit my job because he wouldn't help out with the kids. I moved out of state hoping for a fresh start but the pain just isn't going away. I was in counseling but it didn't work.I feel so empty and alone inside. My children ask about their father and I just try to change the subject because it hurts just to talk about it. I have called him to see if he wants to see the kids and he hangs up on me or his gf answers the phone and starts talking trash. For one I don't think she has no business in anything when it comes to our kids and that makes me angry. Christmas is coming and i'm not in the christmas spirit and i know my kids feel it. How long does it take before you feel whole again?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003
Wed, 11-29-2006 - 6:29am

It depends from so many things! but anger will fade off.
but first, you HAVE to pull yourself together, you have to for the sake of your life and of your kids' well being and happiness.

You should resume counselling. It may not have worked, perhaps it was not the good timing, or not the best counsellor - but having some sounding board will help.

Relationships with your ex are tough... but remember that you did not give 12 years based on an expected return on investment: you spend 12 years, having 5 children and a life you chose. Then, it turned bad. Keep the memory of those 12 years (whatever happened and will happen, it will not change the past). He loved you, and you had a good life. Now you need to step up, and plan for the rest of it!!!

What he is doing is terrible, sad, and the gf should have the good taste to stay out of it. She does not - just leave it at that. With time, I am sure that your ex will want to be in touch with the kids - now you need to build new traditions for yourself and them, and you will see later if you will want to include your ex at some point. Christmas spirit is difficult, but a lot can be accomplished by forcing one-self a bit: start decorating the house, look at new decorations (or craft them with the children), consider hosting a neighbours cookie event (you'll meet new friends), and minimize the nights in front of TV and computers thinking, angering and crying.

You can do it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Wed, 11-29-2006 - 12:59pm

Broken,


Go back to counseling. It's important because it will help you see what you need to do to help yourself. It's not the counselor's job to "fix" you or your situation. If you didn't click with your counselor or weren't comfortable with him or her, then find another. Your siutation is just too complex to figure out on your own.


Good luck,


CL-Wisdomtooth2020

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2004
Wed, 11-29-2006 - 4:49pm
My heart goes out to you. I hate that you are going through this. I am going through it after 21 years of marriage - and my husband left in September...no goodbyes, no money, no anything. So I can definitely relate to you on that part. The only reason that we have survived October & November is because my parents have paid every single bill that he usually pays and they can't continue to do this - they are both retired. I feel this is so unfair. My husband hasn't called either one of our children either (one is 13 & the other is 17). I didn't catch him in bed with anyone else - but there is a 22 year old involved (5 years older than our daughter....) he swears that there is no relationship ... yeah - like I'm stupid or something. He drives a truck and could have left the state and stayed gone - he had no trouble staying gone while we were together - but now everyone sees him everywhere..I am hurt, confused, angry, sad.....all of the above- I'm worried about our children (it is our daughters senior year in high school - the most expensive one) and he walks out on us. I hate that the girlfriend talks trash to you... at least I don't have that happening - right now anyway. I agree Christms just doesn't seem the same - Thanksgiving wasn't...and I try to look at the good things but sometimes it is so hard..especially when bills are piling up and you have nobody giving you any money. My thoughts are with you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Thu, 11-30-2006 - 12:17pm

I am so so sorry. Betrayal is totally salt in the wound. I will keep you in my prayers. I hope out of state means you moved closer to supportive family or friends. Seek out irl support, including counseling for yourself and the children. Make sure you have a lawyer who is working on getting you financial support from you stbx.

Keep coming here for support, too.

M