Will the pain ever stop?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2008
Will the pain ever stop?
10
Thu, 02-07-2008 - 2:48pm

Hello.

Avatar for nerlami
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Thu, 02-07-2008 - 7:15pm

hey,


I just wanted to reach out and give you a hug. im in the same boat with the pain. my husband and i separated the end of october and the pain still goes on... crying and sobbing every day. i cant imagine 26 years together.... we were only together five. i imagine the grieving will go on a long time and you just have to be patient with it and with yourself. its totally normal to still love him and hold on to that loving part that you knew. its hard to reconcile that guy with the one doing all the horrible stuff to you now. In time, you will be able to do that too..


just try and make a goal for yourself each day. even 15 minutes of something that will feel, well NOT bad anyway... buy yourself flowers, take a bath, read a book, that kind of thing.. anything at all. start with 15 minutes and work your way up. every day is a victory.


 

"I've learned
that it is the weak who are cruel,
and that gentleness is to be expected
only from the strong."

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2006
Thu, 02-07-2008 - 11:38pm

Just want to send you some much needed ((((hugs)))) and tell you that you are not alone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2008
Fri, 02-08-2008 - 1:55pm

Like you I have been married for 26 years and have 1 daughter by him. UNILIKE you I had no idea, or was in total denial that he was setting up a "plan in action" to leave me. To this day he has never admitted to me that he has a girlfriend in the Phillippines that he met while on a business trip. I was told by one of his employees after I badgered the poor guy about it.

To answer your question, yes, the pain does go away in your stomach. The heartache takes longer. We have been separated for a year now and are proceeding with divorce. I do not want to be married to someone who doesn't want to be married to me. I deserve much better.

This past year has been an awakening for me. There is so much more to life than this man that broke my heart! Now, I still have moments of loneliness and sadness, but I just brush it off and do something else. My suggestion to you is get a good therapist, a support group, a new job, And a very good Divorce Lawyer! I did all 4 . I also take yoga.

Your reaction to this horrible situation is understandable. But after a couple of months and I have no idea how long it has been for you, you must make a choice: 1) to remain the wounded victim 2) get on with your life and open up to t he gift, yes gift! that he has given you. The gift of freedom and independence!!!!

Think about it, you have no one to worry about but yourself. When was the last time that happened? No picking up after someone else. You don't have to go to a movie HE wants to go to. You don't have to prepare a meal HE likes! As a matter of fact, you don't have to cook at all if you don't want to! And most importantly, you don't have to explain what you bought!! When you go shopping. For me that was such a big issue! And I just LOVE going on vacation with my girlfriends! That is the best!!!!

We have sold our town house split the profits, split the debt and let me tell you he has no say in what I do with my share. I decided to pay off all my debts which was so liberating. I got to decorate my apartment EXACTLY the way I wanted also.

There are so many pluses to this situation. But I really do understand that this situation has it moments. The first Christmas, all the holidays as a matter of fact are hard. The first trip back to maybe your favorite city that you used to go to with him is also difficult. but it does get better. Believe me.

I am sorry I ran on so long, but I wanted to share this with you and with all the women out there that have been betrayed in one way or another by their husband.

I have a mantra for myself, I am creating the possibility of INDEPENDENCE, FREEDOM and ADVENTURE!!!

Please take care. And write me anytime.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2008
Sat, 02-09-2008 - 7:36am
Hi, I am cheating over here. ;). I am a man and going through a very upsetting seperation and ultimate divorce..I'm sure. I have posted a few respones to womens's plights of men leaving them and the break ups and the like. I thought by me sharing some empamthy it would also help me too. Every one can benefit by sharing. Your response here has really caught my eye. I see you are survivior and have come out the other end of the tunnel. Your a veteran. In my relationship , which has been the first for me. i have often times been the female side of things. She has been married and divorced twice nd had many other relationships over the years. Shes an aging hot blonde..get the picture. I was a recovering alcholic and like a rip van winkle to the scene of sorts. Well now we are about done I guess marriage of 7 years gone south due to so many factors.. I am scared but like you need a plan of so many new techiniques to get me through it all. I love what you say about things and admire you for changing these thought processes and turning the bend in your life. It sounds like you ex is a stupid man to lose you.. I feel isolated on this board with all the woman but I am in that boat as well with you..and these things do go both ways, so I am trying to learn what to do and how to cope better.. BTW I have not cheated on her, and no other woman,, and we just fought to much.. thats it in a nutshell. My brain is battered from it all and just couldn't stand anymore of it. We never got anywhere just standing shouting for 3 hour segments. It was so stupid.. I appalude you and the advice and your 2 choices due apply to me and well as her.. that is genius...you gave this other lady great advice in her troubles.. I also will reread what you have said and log into into my memory.. THX
matt in Va ;)
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2008
Sat, 02-09-2008 - 11:34am

I am pleased to have helped you in some way. You're right I am a survivor. I have had to be. My divorce has not been the only kink in my chain of life. But I must say it has definitely been the hardest . I always remember what Shirley MacLaine once said, "You have never really had a full life until you have gone through a divorce." Well now I can say my life is full! LOL

Thank you so much for your letter. It has made me feel I am not alone in this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2008
Sat, 02-09-2008 - 12:39pm
Hi, oh no you're not alone at all. I love the way you talk,, BTW...!!! I have had so many altercations through this relationship that I'm sort of use to them. But this one seems the ultimate and to not go back. I am just worn out and feel as though I fulfilled some life goals of getting married, raising a son, buying a house etc.. Getting older with her is not as it was envisioned by either of us.. If she would just put the damn ciggareets down that would help.. But every 15 minutes.. here we go again, like clockwork, then cough all night and most of the day. Its soooooo stupid.. So I am scared and entering new territory and am a big chicken and need help.. She proably is just dusting off some old coping techiniques she has used to get through these before. She will have a hard time, but I will have a really hard time.. Its a sad statement to suggest a full life is having to go through a divorce, but proably so true.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2008
Sun, 02-10-2008 - 9:56am

What a wonderful inspiration you are Laweezal.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2008
Sun, 02-10-2008 - 10:42am
It is people like you that are so kind to write me such complimentary and positive remarks that make my day! Thank you. I hope you will have a great and positive life. I have discovered sometimes it is the difficult situations in life that give us a little push towards a better understanding of who we are and what we were meant to be doing!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2008
Sun, 02-10-2008 - 6:00pm

Thank you drugzalots for your comforting words.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Sun, 02-10-2008 - 8:24pm
My ex and I have been seperated since June 2006.
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