Will we ever be able to co-parent?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Will we ever be able to co-parent?
4
Thu, 05-25-2006 - 3:20pm

A few months ago my stbx and I would talk about the webcam visits and phone calls and evening and weekend visits with our daughter. Now all we do is argue about the finances. I don't want my daughters relationship with her father to get lost in the battle.

Today I called him to ask about or daughters medical (enrollment, benefits, where to take her that his insurance would cover and all that) and he was unbelievably rude...he sounded like he was chomping on food, talking to others while we were talking, and then he abruptly hung up in the middle of my sentence. How am I suppose to have joint custody with someone who doesn't even care to help me sort out details that only he can take care of?

I grew up with a dead beat dad and I don't want my daughter to have to go through that. I married a great guy, and I had a child with him by my own choice and am greatful to have had her. I am very upset today because of the way my stbx is acting. He acts like it is a chore to interact with our daughter and God forbid he have to interact with me in regards to her medical or anything else.

My friends tell me that people change and he's not the guy we all once knew and loved. I don't want to accept that. I accept that we are not going to be together but I just can't accept that he's ok with acting like an inconsiderate, rude, immature, childish person! He's so much better than that.

Is this just a phase? Is there a chance he'll snap out of it and get his act together? Has anyone else gone through this?

One of my friends keeps telling me that usually when a guy asks for a divorce he doesn't bother sticking around to make sure the woman gets back on her feet or help out with the kid. I hate hearing this.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2001
Thu, 05-25-2006 - 9:27pm

I think there are ALOT of us who have joint custody with a jerk, and not all of us are women. We all end up just picking up the slack, making the decisions, and dealing with it as best we can.

The only thing we can change about other people's behavior is how we react to it. My XH has gone through peaks and valleys; more valleys than peaks. It's hard to deal with, but lately, he's on a need-to-know basis for everything and there are very, very few things that he needs to know. His behavior is all about him, and not about me or the girls.

I'm capable! I'm strong! I'm independent! And my daughters will learn from me that women can do anything and that a woman doesn't need a man to make her complete or happy. But while I'm taking care of business IN SPITE OF him, I still have many days when I wish he had died in an accident he had right before we officially separated.

My advice is to take care of yourself and your daughter and everything else will fall into place. *hugs*

~calla~  mom to rosie and gracie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2005
Thu, 05-25-2006 - 9:48pm

All men who divorce aren't jerks who become deadbeat dads. All women who divorce aren't bitches. BUT -- divorce brings out feelings of anger and frustration.

It may be that, for the time being, you should hang up the idea of "coparenting" your daughter. In its place, you can parallel parent. Lay out requirements for you and your ex in writing (as per your divorce decree) -- and keep your communication in writing for two purposes:
Documentation
Saving your sanity

In parallel parenting, each parent basically runs their home independently, and communication stays somewhat detached. It works better for some people..

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Fri, 05-26-2006 - 12:39pm

Thank you for your advice. I've heard of those parenting plans and thinks it is a great idea. Maybe once my stbx calms down a bit and is ready to talk to me about these matters (before her next visit with him) we can figure this out.

Thanks.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2005
Sat, 05-27-2006 - 11:31pm

I don't think you understood me -- parallel parenting by its very nature is what you take up when your spouse and you CAN'T work together on a "parenting plan".

You rule your house, plan for it. He plans for his home. You notify him in writing of anything that is necessary for him to know. There is minimal to no verbal communication between the two of you.

The whole point is to be able to take care of your child without stirring the pot with your ex.