Winds of Change.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2005
Winds of Change.....
2
Thu, 10-20-2005 - 4:04pm

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WOW and double WOW!
Its been like most of the week where there hasn't been moods, or any drama about stbx, nor any sad feelings. I can hardly believe it! I thought I would not get here so soon. I learned so much in a such a short time.
You know what I learned?
I learned that, no matter how much you think you know someone, you really don't and don't ever love a man who cannot take care of his responsibilities! I like I can express myself more, and even voice any fears I have, without worrying that I'll be called "crazy" or "I don't make sense". Funny now that I don't need validation of my feelings. I feel what I feel , and if I discuss it out loud, its not stbx or anyone elses RIGHT to put it down or to DEMEAN it. If you (meaning stbx) think your sooooooo smart then why couldn't you figure out how to take money out of your bank account and put it on the BILLS!?!?! Rather then on the next sports bet?!?!?! HUH!?!?!?!?!?!
(Ha! Ha! I had to add just a little of the old attitude!)
Plus I have some good news.....I guess it makes it easier 'cause...... someone at work, asked me out!!!
I know, I know its too soon, but it will be totally casual. Its not like a real "date" "date", per say. He knows I am going through a rough time. He went through it too (his wife cheated on him and now he's divorced) and he knows its good to get out and do stuff. So I am very happy about this. We'll be going to a fellow employee's house party this saturday so that should be fun.
So I've the weekend chuck full of stuff and its only thursday! Hmmm I think I'm good at this planning thing, and organizing thing.....OH YEAH that's what I used to like, because it wasn't a chore before, and it isn't a "downer" (again for my stbx) because these plans don't include the WHOLE sbtx's family in order for it to be fun. I won't rant anymore........okay I did, just a little ;-)
But as the song goes, "I can see clearly now, the rain is gone. I can see all the obstacles in my way....." :-)

Everyone have a "Bright, Bright, Bright, Sun-shiny day!"

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2005
Thu, 10-20-2005 - 4:10pm

Oh and I forgot to add this:
Wow another day that has gone really well. I didn't think of my stbx all day. Although when paying bills I did have a fleating thought but did not dwell on it. It was how I had to refinance the house (which I paid all the bills for with my money) and had to pay off the Line of Credit (that he maxed out with his gambling) that I thought how unfair it was that I once again had to pay his bills. This is good thinking as I realize I do not want to ever go back to that horrible place in my life constantly worrying about the bills. Knowing he will never pay a single dime. How I worked so hard everyday and shared everything with him, but he could not share with me. That was the thought and its gone now and the night went well. I stepped on the scale this morning and was kind of shocked at the weight I lost. It seems to come off easier now that I have less worries.

My horoscope is eeriely accurate:
You've been through a "rite of passage" or perhaps we should call it an "ordeal by fire." Either way, it hasn't been easy. This adversity has improved your tactical skills of survival. Give it a little time

So now I just give it a little time and eventually the hurt will go away. At least at this time, I can see it now, whereas before there was no light. I guess because the hurt just kept coming, and coming and pile on some more....ANYHOW I don't care about him anymore. I was worried about his gambling and how will he cope but he found someone else to worry for him now. He used all he wanted out of me and moved on easily enough, so like so many people have been saying around me, as they find out about his recent actions, "He's not worth it " and for the first time, I agree. It feels good to admit to myself and to others how I actually feel rather then hide it behind some facade. It feels good to say "yes I made mistakes, and yes I was weak, but now I'm strong"

So there is hope for ME!

#254 ("'Hope' is the thing with Feathers –")
by Emily Dickinson

"Hope" is the thing with feathers –
That perches in the soul –
And sings the tune without the words –
And never stops – at all –

And sweetest – in the Gale – is heard –
And sore must be the storm –
That could abash the little Bird
That kept so many warm –

I've heard it in the chillest land –
And on the strangest Sea –
Yet, never, in Extremity,
It asked a crumb – of Me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 10-20-2005 - 5:49pm
I'm smilin' for ya..... I love the Emily Dickinson poem, too.

Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~