Wishing I could disappear...
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Wishing I could disappear...
| Sun, 07-20-2008 - 5:52pm |
My husband and I haven't been married for that long. He's in the military and we got married almost 3 years ago. Things haven't been the smoothest but after 3 tours to Iraq and Afghanistan I really wasn't surprised. At the beginning of May we had a miscarriage (I was 5 months pregnant). On top of that my mother had a brain tumor so she's still recovering from brain surgery. I left to help her for 2 months and half way through my husband totally blind-sided me and said he wants a divorce. He just keeps telling me that he needs time to work on himself and he loves me and wants us to be together in the future but he can't do it right now. I am just really upset about all of this. I don't want to pressure him to not get a divorce but he's absolutely unwilling to go to counseling. He always has been. Even just to deal with his own issues. On top of all this and our discussions about remaining friends and working on ourselves and how he can't even imagine his life without me... I found out that he has been talking to another woman while I was helping my sick mother. I just feel so incredibly betrayed and angry, but there's this part of me that just wants him to tell me he loves me and everything will be ok between us. I just feel so conflicted and I feel so alone. I'm the only one of my close friends that's married so they don't really even understand what I'm going through. I know I'm not the only person going through something like this and I thought it would be nice to talk to someone. If anyone wants to respond that would be really great.

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I'm so sorry for everything you are going through. I can imagine you would be very hurt and feel betrayed if you feel this other woman has some type of relationship with your husband.
Just remember to take care of YOU first. This is your life too. You deserve to be happy and have a man be head over heels in love with you.
Take care,
Wendy
Thank you Wendy. Yes I definitely feel betrayed. I am so conflicted. I mean we are being amicable at this point. He keeps telling me how much he loves me and that he needs to work on his own issues right now but that he does want us to work out. I don't know what to believe anymore. I know what I want to believe but after everything it's just too hard. I'm trying to take care of myself but I'm just so destroyed by all of this. How did you get through your divorce/separation?
Hi Ellen
I haven't even started my separation yet. I am waiting to get through my daughters' birthday and let that be a happy day before I let him know what I've decided. I'm
scared to death.
That's why I'm on this board too. It really helps to talk with people who are going
through the same thing. We all have different stories and are at different stages.
But the pain and struggle is the same.
Take care,
Wendy
First of all, he either wants to work things out with you because he loves you or he does not.
I know you're absolutely correct. Slowly more information about the man I thought I knew and married has come to light. When we first started talking he told me all about the last girl he dated and how she cheated on him and that totally destroyed all trust. Because of that I forgave behavior that I wouldn't normally have forgiven. Well I have come to find out that not only did she NEVER cheat on him but he was the one who habitually cheated on her. Now of course everything he's ever said to me is called into question because he started our relationship out with a lie. In a way I feel better about it though. No matter how much I know this isn't me I don't think anyone can help but feel like something is lacking in themselves to cause someone to cheat. But to know that he obviously has a very, very, very thin moral fiber makes me realize it really isn't me. He's just not a good person.
We have a family cell phone plan so of course I can see all of his cell phone activity. He's still talking to this other girl. I know that whatever he said to me that he told her is a total lie. I know this girl probably thinks this guy's married to the anti-Christ and that I might have even cheated. He made his ex out to be a horrible person so I know that's exactly what he's doing. I seriously doubt he even knows what the truth is anymore. He just keeps on lying about things even when he's faced with parts of the truth. This whole thing really makes me sick to my stomach. I feel like throwing up when I think about what he's doing.
As much as I do love him and want him to change I realize that he will never ever change. He wants to be the way he is because if he didn't then he would have changed a long time ago. That's just a difficult realization to come to especially when I love him and we've been through so much together. I also realize that he's giving me a gift. If I hadn't found these things out then I would still be pining away for him hoping he would change and blaming myself for something. He's set me free.
Right now I'm just putting on a good face and acting like it's all ok. I want him to think he's in control and that I'm still going to be the same compliant woman he married who doesn't question him and keeps my mouth shut. I need him to agree to certain things in the divorce and I know if he feels backed into a corner that won't happen. I just need to get out of here and away from him. He's so damaged and broken.
I know you're absolutely correct. Slowly more information about the man I thought I knew and married has come to light. When we first started talking he told me all about the last girl he dated and how she cheated on him and that totally destroyed all trust. Because of that I forgave behavior that I wouldn't normally have forgiven. Well I have come to find out that not only did she NEVER cheat on him but he was the one who habitually cheated on her. Now of course everything he's ever said to me is called into question because he started our relationship out with a lie. In a way I feel better about it though. No matter how much I know this isn't me I don't think anyone can help but feel like something is lacking in themselves to cause someone to cheat. But to know that he obviously has a very, very, very thin moral fiber makes me realize it really isn't me. He's just not a good person.
We have a family cell phone plan so of course I can see all of his cell phone activity. He's still talking to this other girl. I know that whatever he said to me that he told her is a total lie. I know this girl probably thinks this guy's married to the anti-Christ and that I might have even cheated. He made his ex out to be a horrible person so I know that's exactly what he's doing. I seriously doubt he even knows what the truth is anymore. He just keeps on lying about things even when he's faced with parts of the truth. This whole thing really makes me sick to my stomach. I feel like throwing up when I think about what he's doing.
As much as I do love him and want him to change I realize that he will never ever change. He wants to be the way he is because if he didn't then he would have changed a long time ago. That's just a difficult realization to come to especially when I love him and we've been through so much together. I also realize that he's giving me a gift. If I hadn't found these things out then I would still be pining away for him hoping he would change and blaming myself for something. He's set me free.
Right now I'm just putting on a good face and acting like it's all ok. I want him to think he's in control and that I'm still going to be the same compliant woman he married who doesn't question him and keeps my mouth shut. I need him to agree to certain things in the divorce and I know if he feels backed into a corner that won't happen. I just need to get out of here and away from him. He's so damaged and broken.
Good luck to you Wendy. I know it must be hard being in your position. I do somewhat envy you though. I would rather be the one telling my husband I want a divorce.
I'm glad to see that you are seeing the brighter side of things.
Wow... are you sure you're not married to my husband too?! You have so totally echoed what he's been telling me. As much as I want to hear and believe that what he's saying is the truth I know he's full of it. My husband is also a coward. It's like there's this part of you that just wants to scream at them to tell you the truth. That no matter how hurtful it is at least give you the respect of the freaking truth. These men can't though. They are so no right within themselves. I've really come to realize that. They can't stand up and say what they really mean... not even if their lives depended on it. I know that my husband isn't willing to work either. He says the same thing your husband does. He's 'tired' it's too hard (total bs). I know that if we were to even try to work on anything it would be me doing all the work. I've tried so hard to change it myself and it doesn't work. It's hard though knowing that you've put all of yourself into something with someone else and then to realize that it's always been just you. You'll be ok. It's hard to admit that I knowingly have been in an unhealthy relationship and that I let him treat me so badly. I'm sorry to hear about your miscarriages. That was honestly the worst thing that's ever happened to me. Losing my marriage is hard but losing my baby was the worst. I would go through a million divorces just to have her back.
E Jester
Unfortunately I am not seeing the brighter side of things constantly. I'm so up and down right now. I'm still at the apartment so I feel like I can't really move on yet. A friend is coming at the beginning of August so I know I just have to hold on a little longer. It's hard though looking at him and knowing what he is. I just want to rip his face off.
I am definitely wondering about the other woman (she's more of a girl though, very young). I have all her information: her cell phone #, her home phone #, her address, her college. I know he hasn't told her the truth but I wonder what he has told her. I've been sitting on her information for almost a week now. I don't know if I'm ever going to use it. The worst thing is that we're not just still married. We went through a miscarriage not even 3 months ago.
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