At wits end here!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2005
At wits end here!
4
Thu, 07-07-2005 - 11:37am

Yesterday was the first day that I ever responded on here but now I am looking for some much needed support.

My H cheated 2 yrs ago. He told me and asked to work things out. He stopped seeing the OW immediately (that I know of) but contiued to talk to her on the phone for several months. This has supposedly stopped. The problem is that he refuses to straighten up and be good to me and be happy. He wont talk, he sulls up and just sits around, and doesn't have anything to do with me. He does this for 2-3 weeks at a time and then he will be good to me for 4-5 days and then the cycle contiues on.

I have told him things have got to change! He blames me for all of our problems. He says that I wont shut up nagging, but I swear all I say to him is "Why wont you straighten up and love us? Why wont you be happy? I am willing to stay here and work this out, so why wont you work with me?" Now is that nagging? I dont think so.

He told me that there is a huge gap there and he just doesnt know if we can ever get it back on track---well, if you don't do anything to get us there how can it ever get better right?! He told me 2 nights ago that he just doesn't know if he can straighten up or not. WTF? Out of the blue. I walked into the room, didn't even say a word to him and he just lays this on me. He tells me last night at dinner...I just can't get motivated. What the hell?! He just can't get motivated to save his family. This morning he said the same thing and then added...maybe just give some time. How much time do you need to decide if you want to be with your family? I have given him 2 yrs and it has been the same thing every week, everyday for that matter. I told him, you did this to us, asked me to live with it, to stay with you and to work it out and now you are telling me you need time to get motivated to or to decide if you want your family....HELL NO!

I told him thats it I am done! It is either now or never! I am not waiting on him to "decide" if he wants us or not!

I love him with all of my heart but right now I could ring his neck! We could have everything together but he wont straighten up! What do I do?! I really want my family to be together and I do not want my kids to go through all of this...but if he wont help me fix our marriage what am I supposed to do? We have been married for 13 yrs--but together for almost 19 and we have 2 kids (12 & 7). My parents divorced when I was 10 and it is hard and I just do not want my kids to go through all of that pain. But what do I do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2005
Thu, 07-07-2005 - 12:01pm

Hi on empty.

You responded to my post yesterday. We have H's that sound very similar. I know how badly you want your "family", but what is a family? People who love and respect each other, who treat each other with kindness and honesty. Who are there for each other. Has he been any of those things to you? I know this because I just recently just figured out myself that I know what family is, and he isn't an active person in mine. He makes me sad, angry, confused over and over again. Your H screwed up (as did mine) yet WE continue to pay the price. Why is that? They should be kissing our A** and be GRATEFUL that we didn't kick them to the curb when it happened! But no, they have learned that they can walk all over us and we will take it, so why change?

I just recently threw my H out. I'm am sad at the loss of what I believed to be a family. But I am a better mom, friend, sister, daughter without him around. I'm not totally wrapped up in what he's doing (Or not doing) or what he is thinking (probably nothing there either).

No one can make you decide when you have had enough. It just clicked for me recently and each day I get stronger. I'm selling my home and looking for a new, smaller home for MY family...me and my girls. I'm actually looking forward to it! Yes, it is sad too...but I know I've given all I could and accepted much more than he would have to make this work. I did good by my kids and gave everything I had for 2 1/2 years. Now I'm going to give to ME and my kids...he no longer deserves it!

I don't know if you read my other post back to you but here is a large inspiration that i repeat to myself daily.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change (him)
The courage to change the things I can (my future and my kids happiness)
and the WISDOM to know the difference (THAT is the really hard part!)

I wish you all the best. Feel free to contact me directly if you want.

Take Care,
Tracey

On on a funny note, he came by to mow the law FINALLY last night...then wanted to know if we could have S*X.....INSANITY...I just laughed at him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-07-2005 - 2:34pm

It is sad but true, because of basic human nature it takes almost a miracle to save a marriage after an affair.

Like you have said, he has behaved so badly that you feel he should be grateful that you didn't end this sooner. But no one (no one that I know) wants to be in a marriage to a spouse who thinks they should be grateful. Don't we all want our spouses to think that we are wonderful people that they cannot live without?

You are very rightfully angry and hurt. So it goes against the grain for you to kiss his feet and tell him he is the only man in the world for you. But maybe this is what he really needs to hear if he is to find his way back to you emotionally. Doesn't that just completely STINK?!!

Unless you are some kind of saint, and can start today to treat him like he is the God of your Heart, you will both continue to drift apart. I know this sounds crazy, but it is true. He can go to almost any strange woman on the street and get more admiration and sympathy from her than from you. So he asks himself, why shouldn't he do just that?

It's completely selfish. But true. So unless you two want to start working very hard with an excellent counselor, you will have to find a way to let him go. I am very sorry to say it, but it is what I believe. I wish you all the best luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2004
Thu, 07-07-2005 - 4:09pm
Hi,
I responded to someone else in a very similar post, but I am going to go with the same answer here... Hope you don't mind...
This is ONLY my opinion... I would run. Run fast and run far. My ex cheated, and swore he would never do it again, two years later I caught him again. I have been separated just over a year, and we are in the paperwork stage of our divorce. Had I walked away then, I would now be divorced for two years. And in a much better financial position, because he would have had two less years to screw up our credit!
If your ex says he wants to take it slow - how slow is 13 years? Ruined by an OW, did that take a long time? To figure out he wanted to jump in with OW, I mean. No? I think he just wants to test the waters, keep you as an option and see if he can lure his playmate back (or attract another one). Especially since he is still talking to her (or was!!!). If he was committed to change and making a go of the marriage, he would be 100% committed. You don't need this pain all over again. Your children don't need this pain. They don't need to see you as a doormat. Do you want your children to grow up thinking that the treatment they see him dish out to you on a daily basis is normal? Healthy? Children learn by example. Also, he knew what he was doing when he betrayed you. He is being selfish. Of course you want your family to be together! We all do. But not with "extras" and not without love, honor and respect. He has no reason to want to go slow, he knows you, he has spent 13 years with you. You are not a stranger. You have done nothing (that I know of) to betray his trust. If anyone would want to go slow, it would be you, cautious after being hurt. But you know what you want. And if he isn't into it, he's just not that into you.
Walk away. Tell him to anty up or cash out.
JMHO.
L.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2005
Fri, 07-08-2005 - 9:37am

Thanks to you all for your responses.

Rosemile--I appreciate your thoughts, but I have already tried that. I went through a stage where I did treat him like a God. I did anything and everything he wanted, but that didn't work either. I know it sounds crazy, but I did that for a long time. I was scared to death to lose him. But for the last 6 months I have turned to the angry and bitter stage of the hurt. I no longer want to feel full of anger so that is why I have been pushing him to really try and work on things. He still refuses. At first he says he will straighten up and then within a few hours he says he just can't do it.

So here is an update...He said last night that he is going to look for an apartment. He has told me this before so we will see. I told him I was done and I was ready for him to move out. He said that it would never work out anyway,and I totally agree.

I am in a stronger place now. I realize that it will not work out because he doesn't want it and I will not settle for half of a marriage. Life is too short to live like that. I actually feel at peace about the decision. I am still worried about my kids, but we will get through it. I have great friends and they will help me through it. I am very worried about money and trying to keep the house though. But I will do my best for as long as I can.

So, wish me luck and keep me in your prayers.
Thanks!
L