Wondering if I made a mistake

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2006
Wondering if I made a mistake
7
Thu, 07-06-2006 - 3:54pm

I have been posting on other boards the last few months. I wish I would have found this board sooner.
My divorce has been final for a little over a month. I was hoping that there would be a sense of relief but instead I have been so depressed. I'm in counseling, attended a divorce support group and am now taking medicine. I am beginning to wonder if I made a mistake. I feel like there is so much pressure to let go and move on with my life. During the whole process of the divorce I did not think that would be an issue. Now that the divorce is final, I not only feel stuck but I feel like I'm going backwards.
Any advice?

Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Thu, 07-06-2006 - 6:42pm
No it's normal. You feel like after it's all said and done that magically things are going to be different. Instead it's all basically the same minus that one person. I know in my situation I still had all the pressures of kids, bills and job with him out of the house, yet trying to make things as difficult as possible. Then of course you're trying to figure out carve a life out for yourself and there's the fear of starting a new relationship and dealing with the possibility of yet another failure. It does get easier though. The first year is tough.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 07-06-2006 - 10:23pm

That magic threshold that we look so forward to.... really is just another day that we accomplished something.


I think that sometimes we build up to this pinnacle that we expect to change our lives with the smack of the gavel... we're so stressed, emotional drained and exhausted, and there's nothing more that we want than for all of that to just vanish and have our lives return to bliss.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 07-07-2006 - 12:59pm

hi and welcome,

I agree that this is a process, it takes time to get thru it. there is no magic moment when you just feel 'ok' suddenly, but it will happen, i promise you. everyone on this board has felt down at one time or another and that's what's wonderful about this board.

one other thought - you say you are on meds, sometimes it takes time for them to kick in. and OTOH - sometimes you need to have them adjusted. if you are still feeling down, then speak to the dr. who prescribed them and describe your symptoms.

good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Sat, 07-08-2006 - 7:24pm

During my first few months post divorce I was so exhausted and stressed. My ex was harrassing me constantly and not holding up his end of the bargain regarding childcare and I was in the midst of getting my house and finances straightened out. There were early mornings where I would wake up gasping for breath from sheer anxiety.

Fast foward a year and I'm a lot stronger and stable. I've learned from my own mistakes and am humbled by some of my blow ups with him. I know that I'm a lot stronger and am looking foward to the future either in a new relationship or on my own.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Sun, 07-09-2006 - 10:02am
People grieve the loss of their marriages at different times. Some grieve the loss while still in the marriage, others during the divorce process, and many after the divorce is final. There really is no right or wrong time to grieve. The important thing is that you recognize you're going through a rough time, and you've reached out for help. It may not seem this way right now, but you WILL feel better in time.




iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2006
Sun, 07-09-2006 - 6:03pm
Sometimes, for a plant to grow and bloom, the bad parts must be cut off. As painful as it might seem, your divorce is your way of cutting those parts off so you can flourish as a human being. You will get through this!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2006
Sun, 07-09-2006 - 10:49pm

Hi dkm,

Today is my first day on this board... although I've been posting on a cancer support board for almost 10 years. My divorce will be final tomorrow and we signed our settlement agreement in October.

MANY times... rough times... I wondered the same things. However, I found that for me, it was my situation that was depressing... the reasons I left him had not changed... although my new situation was/is horrible, going back to him would not create the "happily ever after" I sought. In addition, I could no longer go back to the "pre-filing hell" because now on top of everything that was there, now we could add "you filed for divorce".

Going back really was not the "fix" for me. I've been saying the serenity prayer a lot and before this, I was not much of a religious person. I also learned that finding a new "prince charming" to fill the void was not going to be the answer. I have to create a new life for myself. A more difficult life... but still need to do it. I never planned on working again and haven't worked in 8 years. I'm having a really difficult finding a job. I decided that since I have to sell my dream house and get a job, I'm going to pick a new city... one I really want to live in... and move there. He isn't thrilled about it but I have been able to convince my ex to live in the same city and move, too. We'll see how it plays out... but each day that I move forward... just a little bit... by focusing on what is in my control (which isn't a heck of alot), helps me tremendously.

Please keep posting... and if you are comfortable... please share the hardships facing you so we can talk about them. I'm sure we are each facing similar ones and can help each other.

Do you have children? I have a 6 1/2 year old daughter.

Hugs,
nancy_smiles