Working and kids

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Working and kids
10
Tue, 10-25-2005 - 10:21am

Well last night I get home from work at 8:00 after working a 12 hour shift. Kids are supposed to be at their father's house as he has them on my days to work. I get a message from my son at 6:00 last night that my daughter had wrecked the kitchen, ripped a screen and duct taped the cellar door shut. So I immediately call her father and told him that if she was back at his apartment that she was to be taken to my house to clean every spec of mess she made.

I drove home and inspected the house and found that the litter had not been vaccumed up so I went to the apartment and got her. Of course she's crying and denying that she did anything.

This makes me so mad because she should have been at her father's house and not at home trashing the place. So now I have to punish her by not allowing her to have friends over for the Halloween party this weekend. So not fair that once again the ex puts me in this position. If they had been at his house and not running around like he lets them then I wouldn't have had to deal with that and make her lose privledges.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: isysmoon
Tue, 10-25-2005 - 2:34pm

Hang on...... "If they had been at his house and not running around like he lets them then I wouldn't have had to deal with that and make her lose privileges."


Who "made" her lose her privileges?..... I think that she did.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
In reply to: isysmoon
Wed, 10-26-2005 - 5:58am

Well my point is that it's the ex's night to have them, he lets her run around while he's out doing whatever and once again I have to be the heavy. The party was supposed to be a fun thing to do because I get tired of just being the one that makes them brush teeth and do homework.

And I think it was appropriate to make her clean up the mess immediately rather than two days later when she's at home again. I've been dealing with this for years because when I would try to make the kids help out or pick up after themselves ex-dh would jump in and veto my in front of the kids. So once again I pay for it.

On his days that are "kid free" he doesn't have to come home to a trash house because I keep them here, on his weekends I end up with at least one of the kids because he takes them to the GF's and his attitude is if they don't want to go they have to come home!!

Any issues about the kids and how he's not supervising them on his evenings is blamed on me because of my work schedule rather than dealing the real issue of him better supervising his kids. It's to the point where I'm going to start working the weekends that I don't have the kids so that I can be home an extra day during the work week, which sucks because then I don't get weekends to go out and have fun or visit with my friends.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: isysmoon
Wed, 10-26-2005 - 8:25am

I'm not sure how old your children are.... but I got this book (Parenting Teenagers: Systematic Training for Effective Parent... by Sr. D Dinkmeyer) when I started dealing with my SO's son.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
In reply to: isysmoon
Wed, 10-26-2005 - 9:59am

That book sounds really good, I think I'll pick it up. I have two teenagers and two "tweens". My biggest challenge is my teenage daughter. My oldest son is coming around and he is more helpful.

I agree that the rules need to be enforced regardless of who's parenting time it is, but I find more and more that my "kid free" time is invaded because the ex sends them here when he wants to visit the GF or go places with the GF. I feel that I should be getting child support if he's not going to take them on his days.

It is definately time to rein my daughter in because I'm tired of my home and free time getting run rough shod over. After working all day it is my RIGHT to come home and be able to relax. When I'm working the kids are supposed be over at his house where they are supposed to be getting dinner instead of me coming home to a hungry kid because his father went to a party with his GF.

I'm not the only parent and it's up to him to keep his kids with him on his nights. If I did that he'd be screaming at me on the phone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: isysmoon
Wed, 10-26-2005 - 10:21am

Man, he sounds like a real pain to deal with.... and I do hope that the book has some helpful suggestions.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
In reply to: isysmoon
Wed, 10-26-2005 - 10:42am

Great advice! It's nice to know that I don't have to feel guilty about wanting "me" time. I made the mistake of telling the ex that he needs to have them on "his time" because I need time for myself. His response is that I need better work hours for more time to myself.

He's so Hell bent on making the time "even". He says that since I don't pick them up till 8:00 after work then he won't pick them up till 8:00 on his nights. That's so dumb because I have them all day after school on my days off and I take them every Friday even on his weekends. I only work 3 days a week so I have them after school and I get vacations every 3 months and long stretches off at least once a month and I plan ahead to during teacher inservice days so that I'm home with them. I have a really flexible job so that if I need a day off I can have it as long as I give them enough notice. I make it up to them by taking extra call when the kids are with their father or staying late if they are with him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: isysmoon
Wed, 10-26-2005 - 12:39pm

You definitely shouldn't feel guilty about wanting "me time", in fact, I don't function very well as a parent if I don't have it... and my kids know it!


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
In reply to: isysmoon
Wed, 10-26-2005 - 1:53pm

No no, thanks for the advice. I guess at times I do make myself the victim by letting everyone walk over me. It's a trend for me at times. When I'm at work I don't want to be worrying about what's happening at the house. They are his responsiblility on those days.

I'm really beginning to think I need to file for child support. I opted not to push for it because he was really upbeat about having the kids 50/50. He does pay for after care for our 8-year-old which is wonderful because then I don't have to keep after him to give me money. If he doesn't pay her then he would have to leave work early on his days to pick her up.

The extra days I do have with the kids helps because we do more stuff and like helping me bake cookies and such. I think once the ex gets over the initial infatuation with his GF he'll come back around regarding his kids. Regardless of our relationship I've always thought of him as a good father for them and it irks me that he plays these games and sacrifices their needs to get back at me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: isysmoon
Wed, 10-26-2005 - 2:28pm

Hummm..... keep in mind that child support isn't all about having them 50/50 of the time.


Sure, part of it is about food, shelter, etc....... "equal" things, some some of it isn't.... like who's paying their health insurance and uninsured expenses (Did my EX ever take DS to the orthodontist???.... or make the appointments???... or were the appointments on "his" days?


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
In reply to: isysmoon
Wed, 10-26-2005 - 6:15pm

He's self employed construction so he isn't guaranteed a paycheck when it's cold. I have a good paying steady job and provide the health benefits, I work 3 12's so I take them to the doctors and dentists appointments. I bought the Halloween costumes, back to school clothes and shoes and he bought supplies for back to school.

It would just be nice for him to be responsible and not dump it on me on my days that are kid free. He seems to think that having them isn't the same as being responsible and it isn't enough. They eat the majority of meals here and I should be compensated.