Worn out from trying

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2007
Worn out from trying
3
Fri, 08-03-2007 - 2:24pm

Hello-

Started using iVillage a couple months back when I was facing a divorce from my husband of 15 years. Well, we decided to reconcile. It's been two months now since we've back together and we've had many ups and downs. I need advice/guidance desperately for my situation. Just a quick history:

Married for 15 years - only marriage for both - we have 2 great kids together. In the beginning, wonderful (of course) - as time went on - we somehow disconnected from eachother. He was wrapped up in building/remodeling houses and I raised our kids basically alone. No much input from him. Turned to my parents for support - eventually they became too involved in our marriage. I blame myself for that. Husband became target to my family because he wasnt "good enough for me" Anyway, that whole thing did some damage to he and I. Over the years, just unhappy with eachother. Not enough good happening and the bad stuff chipped away at our love for eachother. Decided divorce was the solution. Divorce attempt #1 - I filed, papers from lawyer came - we both sat down to review and we both freaked out over the finality of it. Decided to stop the process and try - lasted for two months - frustrated with eachother. He said I didn't make enough changes for him to show him that I was serious about our marriage. Not true. He made me jump through hoops and tried to make me into something I wasn't. Okay, divorce attempt #2 - I, again, filed. Lawyer picked up where we left off again. Now, this time, we were basically a signature away from filing. Came very close. He started talking a about how much he loved the kids and the house on the river that he's worked so hard for and how much he loved his life on the river. I'm foolish and stupid. What I needed to hear were things about me. That he wanted to be with ME and that was the main reason. I did hear bits and pieces regarding me - but nothing that would make me feel secure. I still feel insecure. I feel he's jerking me around because he doesn't want to give up the kids or the house on the river. He did say he loved me and he would every night before we went to sleep for about two weeks after the second reconciliation - now, it has stopped again. No interest in intimacy on his part either. He's getting distant again. I am feeling like I'm re-living the hellish downfall again. I just hate this so much. I hate feeling "shorted" - he seemed to have a great desire to work it out with me and I'm left there hanging again. He's just sucking the life out of me. All I want is to be loved for who I am - not what he wants me to be. I walk on eggshells every day - wondering if I will do something "bad" that would make him want this divorce again. I think our marriage is very unhealthy. I think it takes two of us to totally commit to saving it - but I'm all alone with that. He's not participating again. I'm very sad and disappointed that I put myself and children through all this. They are so confused about mom and dad as it is. Any advice?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2007
Fri, 08-03-2007 - 4:51pm

Why do YOU want to work it out? Do you feel you still love him enough to make it worth trying? Right now he has all the power because he has two choices to choose from and you are giving yourself only one. Have you MADE the choice to try to work it out as long as he's willing to, or are you just responsing to him wanting to leave? Believe it or not, even if the action is the same (trying to work it out) it can make a big difference if you feel you are doing it as your choice and not just because that's all you can do. You could choose to leave, regardless of whether he wants to keep trying or not. I'm not saying that you should choose that, what I am saying is that you deserve to have him actually trying if that's what he says he wants to do. Really think about what your true choices are, there may be more than two if you get creative. You might not like any of them but it will help to know you have them.

You DO deserve to be loved for who you are. Don't try to change yourself for him. He probably doesn't even want you too, he's just unhappy and confused about what he wants right now as well. You can't worry about him now though, you need to care for yourself and your children. My advice is to start thinking about what you want. What kind of life do you want for yourself all around, and then be truthful to yourself about whether he could even fulfill that.

Stay strong, you can find your way through this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2007
Fri, 08-03-2007 - 6:35pm

I am going through the exact same thing, this is the 4 th time for me but i still have not filed papers but it is going to happen. Everytime I feel like I am past the emotional blackmail he hits me with it again and I go back. I hate for my kids that my life has been on hold for 4 years and I keep letting him hurt me. I know that God is going to get me through this if I just trust him to work out all the details but it is so hard with a broken heart.

Good luck to you and I hope you find the answers you are looking for

Shop girl

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Fri, 08-03-2007 - 9:15pm

Minngirl,


My advice? Seek marriage counseling. Reconcilation is not a do-it-yourself project. You need help.


If he refuses to go with you then you have an important indication of his commitment to reconcilation. Staying for a house or to be in the same residence as the children won't hold up your marriage forever.


Counseling. Counseling. Counseling.


I hope he agrees to go. You're chances of making it are much better if you do.


Let us know how you're doing.


CL-Wisdomtooth2020