The worst is yet to come...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
The worst is yet to come...
11
Mon, 04-18-2005 - 3:23pm

I posted this on the Betrayed Spouses board too. But I imagine some of you will understand...
Everyone has said it can't just be about the children. I have said it myself...but how in the world can it not be? I am at a cross roads yet again...and even as in my head I have those flashes of decision to end it now...the unbearable pain strikes me again. How can I ever find peace knowing my kids will grow up in a broken home? Shuttled back and forth for holidays and birthdays and visitation? Even worse, and what I find the most horrific and unbearable thought of all...if H goes back to OW, how will I survive knowing that low class whore is playing mommy to my babies? How? Sure, I will always be their real Mommmy--- so what? Is that supposed to make it any more tolerable to think about HER spending time with my babies? It is more than I can bear to think about. And yet I feel so helpless to do anything about it. These are my babies. I would do anything for them, anything to protect them...but how can I save them from this? How can I give them the life I want for them to have when the very foundation of it is being ripped from underneath them?

how could I ever be ok with her spending time with my babies?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 04-18-2005 - 3:31pm

Growing up in a broken home is not that bad. If you have two parents that can act like adults it can actually be a ton better than growing up in a bad marriage. At least if you've gone one really strong, supportive parent, that parent has the opportunity to set their own example for the children, teach them their version of 'good values' and sometimes that isn't possible unless you get divorced. If you think your marriage can be saved and you can be happy, then do all you can do to save it. If you know it's the end, then trust your children will take their lead from you, and if you can handle it, they can handle it.

You are not just sharing your children with her. You are sharing your children with the world. She is just one person. You are mom. You cannot be replaced.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Mon, 04-18-2005 - 4:49pm

I went through this when I found out about OW.


It CRUSHED me when my 6 year old went over there and he would come home and tell me how she bought him this and that...... Then my daughter was born.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Tue, 04-19-2005 - 8:09am

Thank you for your response. You really helped me a lot. I imagine this will be one of the hardest things I will have to get through, seemingly insurmountable at times. But hearing your story gives me hope. My children are my world. My DS is 2.5 yrs and my baby girl is 4 months old. I know as long as I have them, I will be ok. I want so desperately for them to have the best life possible, my dream of course was/is that it would be in a happy intact family. I don't know where things are going with my H right now, we have only been attempting to rebuild for a couple of months now. I believe he is depressed and am encouraging him to pursue that with our MC. It is a struggle of course, but I believe at this point he is going to do it mostly to appease me or to 'prove me wrong.' Whatever works to get him the help I believe he needs. I still believe we can be happy together--if he could just get his crap together. he is such a loving father and he was such a loving and supportive husband up until this last year. he just flipped out, lost it, went off the deep end---I don't know what happened. and he can't explain it either.

as I struggle to decide if it is time to walk away, my babies are my priority. of course I want to save our marriage because I still love my H and still believe we could have the happy ever after, but so much of it is about the devastation I feel that my children's lives will forever be altered if we divorce. and the thought of that b!@&*h trying to cozy up with my children is just more horrible than I can even stand to think of. it helps to know that you have survived something similar, but still hurts like hell to even think of.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Tue, 04-19-2005 - 8:27am

Completely understandable.


I think in time things will be more clearer for you. Just because your relationship ends with your husband ( if that is what will happen ) doesn't mean your children wont have that family value. I thought the same thing. My family has pretty much disowned me because my husband left me, I was so alone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2004
Tue, 04-19-2005 - 12:20pm

I'm new around here, but your post really caught my eye. When I mentioned to my therapist that I didn't want my children to be raised in a broken home, she said something that really helped. Do you remember that sitcom, Grace Under Fire? She had an alcoholic ex who had cheated on her and was just horrible, so she left him. At some point, her son's teacher said that he was acting out and that she felt it was a result of being raised in a broken home. The main character, Grace, said, "No, our home WAS broken, I fixed it."


So the question is, are they living in a 'broken' home/family already? How much more damage can be done with each alternative course? I don't know if your children know about the OW or if there have been others, but something to consider is what you are teaching them; that it is okay to do this to others, or that it is okay to let others treat them the way that your husband has treated you.


Hope I'm not stepping on your toes or anything, just my opinion and somthing to think about.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2004
Tue, 04-19-2005 - 12:34pm

This will be good, so please pay very close attention.

My marriage was awful, intensely so in the last six months. There was another women, but I didn't know it until the very end when he actually left. I was sticking it out for the kids -- I couldn't imagine taking their father away from them.

Well, that was late July. So, he's gone. Yesterday the kids brought their report cards home. They're 8 and 10. They BOTH received the best report cards they have ever gotten. One son's even went so far as to say "Christopher always has a smile on his face and has a very positive attitude." Well, the relief! The pride.

You know what I realized. They now had a mother who was free of the stress, the debilitating stress of a bad marriage. Amazing, right?

Well, we talk a lot. I'm always available to answer questions and just plain talk. Earlier, I held them when they cried. It was tough, but it turns out that it was absolutely for the best.

These kids did not live in a house with abuse. They lived in a functioning household; they just unfortunately lived with parents who became miserable with each other. (That's an entirely different story.)

I have not yet had to deal with the kids meeting with the girlfriend. That is coming soon, though. There are hard things to deal with, but you take it one step at a time. They don't want to meet her, which is entirely understandable. They know that it's in their immediate future, though.

Be as honest as you can with them.

Trust me that staying for the kids turns out to be the worst reason to stay.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Tue, 04-19-2005 - 2:11pm

It is wonderful that your children are doing so well, it absolutely gives me hope. The interesting thing is that we don't fight, we have fun when we spend time together and my kids love every minute of it. My babies are just babies--DS 2.5yrs and DD 4mths so they don't really know much. When we do argue, we don't do it in front of the kids.

So far as I know, this A was the only one. Up until 1 year ago when it started, he was the model husband. I truly thought we had a great marriage. Something happened to him, I don't know what and he has turned into someone I just don't know sometimes. I truly believe he is depressed and hope that spending some time in counseling and possibly exploring medication may help him get his head on straight. I just don't feel like he makes any sense right now to himself or anyone else so trying to get to root causes and determine whether our M is salvageable seems impossible.

I know that my stress about the kids spending time with OW is selfishly based...they are my precious babies, she doesn't deserve to know them let alone be a part of their lives. I also know there is not much I can do to prevent it if that is where things end up...and that is what hurts so much. It actually sends me into a panic thinking about it. I pray that I don't have to face it ever, but if I do I sure hope it doesn't end up being as traumatic as the thought of it is now.I just don't know how I will do it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2004
Tue, 04-19-2005 - 3:36pm

yes, i think about the ow too. i do not want her serving them dinner. i do not want the kids having to eat with her and converse with her. they don't want to either. it's a horrible thought for me as well and i've been dealing with it for awhile. i'm seeing a psychologist weekly and she's helping me make the right decisions for my kids and giving me direction in how to deal with the kids and the ow. i was ok with the divorce. i read all the right books and felt confident handling that with the kids. but the emotion involving the ow is just too overwhelming for me to deal with on my own and since i'm so worried about doing the right thing by my kids, i sought help. i couldn't trust myself. the last thing i wanted to do was make them feel bad for loving their father and now i've got to help them when they're up against their first meetings with the ow. we are in it together and they know that i'm trying to help them with it.

that is a much different scenario than yours, however. your infant is too young and your 2 year old needs entirely different help. maybe you too could talk to someone professionally.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 04-21-2005 - 10:21am

"No, our home WAS broken, I fixed it."


You GO Girl!--that says it all!


Karen ~ wildlucky4me

Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 04-21-2005 - 10:23am
I totally agree...... Now, I'm the mom that I always wanted to be... and was being dragged down from when I was married.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me

Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

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