Would this be a No No

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2004
Would this be a No No
9
Fri, 03-18-2005 - 2:42pm

Hi,


Just a quick question for you guys out there..just to recap my story,,going thru a D after 26years of M. H filed for D in Nov of 2003,,he continued to live in the same house with me for almost 2years,,I tried to get him out but my lawyer told me as long as he is still making the monthly house payment,I could not make him leave..he lived here but did not speak to me in almost 2years..fast forward to jan 22,2005..he finally moved out.


Now to my question..2 months after my H filed for a D,I met a man online ,we have been talking ,he has been very supportive,I have not met him in person yet,because I am going to be getting alimony and my lawyer advised me not to do anything that would hamper that outcome..ie..having a man in my house ,meeting anyone,,I guess not to do anything that could come back to bite me..


So here is my question..I don't know if anyone else has been in this position.. my D is in its final stages, maybe a month or so to go.. would I be crazy to take a chance now and meet this man? Would getting caught now this late in the game cause a big impact on the end result of my D..like alimony.. like I stated my lawyer told me ,if I did get caught doing anything I should not be doing,it would be used against me and it would change the amount of alimony I would receive..


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Fri, 03-18-2005 - 2:49pm

I don't understand why your laywer said that. Is it in your agreement that you will not date until the divorce is final? Is there a specific law in your state that dating while separated is technically cheating and it nullifies alimony payments? I would ask your attorney more questions specifically about the law to understand why he said those things. Most people can date during separation without any legal ramifications, but there could be some weird law where you live and you should know if that is the case.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2004
Fri, 03-18-2005 - 3:14pm

Hi,


When alimony is an issue ,if my H could prove that I was involved with another man,it would be held against me since we are still technically M. He did not file for a separation ,he filed for a D,and I think that makes a difference.. from what I have read,if you file for a seperation and have committ adultry it can not be held against you ,,but when you file for a D, that changes things??...My lawyer stressed to me

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2004
Fri, 03-18-2005 - 3:16pm

I have never heard of such a thing! The only law that I know of is that you can't live with someone and still recieve alimony!

I do know that courts frown on relationships during divorce...they feel that there should be a grieving period and you should not be dating, but there is no law against it. I think that firstamendment is right when she said that you might want to check into what your laywer said as this just may be his way of covering all bases to get you everything that you deserve out of the divorce.

I don't want to be a wet blanket, and please don't think ill of me, but statistics state that usually the 1st relationship you have after separation/divorce is usually a "rebound" relationship if rushed into. Date, have fun, but don't commit any serious feelings into it as both of you might get hurt, and after what you have been through already, you really don't need anymore grief (neither does he). Take some time out just for you! Afterall, you deserve it, don't you think?

Take care of yourself first...you won't regret it!

Images hosted by photobucket.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Fri, 03-18-2005 - 3:20pm

Well, it sounds like you'd be risking your alimony if you met this guy, because legally it would be considered an affair. Most people are not in that position because the terms of the divorce do not matter whether there was an affair or not, but most people also do not get alimony. So if I were you I'd be better safe than sorry and just wait it out, especially since you are in the last stages of the divorce.

I'm not sure where you live, but I am in PA and here there is a 90 day waiting period if you both agree to divorce, but if one person doesn't agree then the waiting period is 2 years. In my case I did date during separation, but there were no financial ramifications and having or not having an affair (even before the separation) could not have been used against me in any way.

I'd follow your attorney's advice though.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Fri, 03-18-2005 - 3:24pm
I have heard of that before - that a relationship could be considered an affair if you are still legally married (and not legally separated). I think in most cases it just usually doesn't make a difference, but based on her second post I think her attorney is probably right.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2004
Fri, 03-18-2005 - 3:57pm

Thanks guys for all the inputs,and I do agree that my attorney is just making sure I get everything in the D I am entitled to,and even though if I did get caught doing something I should not be doing,I know if it was brought to the attention of the judge,there is a chance he would frown apon that and then the amount of alimony would reflect that.


I am going to take time for me,,its been a long and hard 2years,,and I need to take some time for me..and I am in no way looking for a "relationship" at this point just a friendship. I just want to thank this man for being such a rock for me while going thru this whole thing.


We did go thru the 90 waiting period back in 2003, in no way did I want to contest this D,I just wish I had had the guts to do it a long time ago. I feel I have wasted 26years of my life on a man who was never there for me emotionally or any other way but I kept trying,,I told myself this is the life I had been handed and I just basically settled into the fact that I would go thru the rest of my life feeling alone.


I am surprised how much I do not miss my STBX,,for the first time I feel free,, I can relax in my home ,


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Fri, 03-18-2005 - 5:46pm

Hi there~


I wanted to tough on this subject a little....


My X left me for a 19 year old girl, I was 4 months pregnant at the time with our second child. I was devistated for months, but after my daughter was born I decided to meet some "friends". I met and went out with 3 different guys. My H new about it and he babysat once or twice while I went out. Then I met my current SO. We moved sort of fast, we met in January, he basically lived at my house for the majority of the week. Well I ended up getting pregnant by my current SO. ( surprise!! all who read this BE CAREFUL!!! protection doesn't always work!!! ) Anyway, my XH knew about it within a week or so and never said a word about it.


Well, fast forward, in May, I filed for divorce. My XH was shocked, but never played the "your pregnant by another man, card" After all, he left me for another girl.


I didn't get alimony, because we were "married" for less than a year but together just over 6 years. My lawyer knew about my pregnancy and so did the courts. NOTHING was based on that fact. I have been living with SO since July, a few months after I filed.


Given that I phoned a few lawyers before filing and explaining my situation in full, all said I could get alimony if I would have been married more than a year. Length is the only thing ( out of my whole messed up situation ) that cost me alimony.


I hope that helps.


Hugs,


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-18-2005 - 5:56pm

A lot of times when it comes to alimony, it is not dependant upon the laws in the state. It is dependant upon the judge. Your attorney probable has a pretty good idea of what the judges in your area are looking for when awarding alimony. Therefore, it is best to follow your attorney's advice.


BTW, I met my second, current dh online during my seperation. I did not ask my attorney about meeting him. I was lucky in that the judges here do not look kindly on that, but I was awarded $500 a month in alimony. (20 year marriage in which I had never worked outside the home. I had always been a SAHM to our 5 children.)


Steph

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2004
Sun, 03-20-2005 - 10:31am
I just read of your plight on another board - it is very complicated. It would probably be better if the man got a divorce also, before you consummate your relationship. I don't know if there are children involved, but it sounds like his wife is keeping him on a short leash - also if he has been involved with another Woman besides you he could be a serial cheater.