Would you tell your ex about surgery...

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Would you tell your ex about surgery...
15
Thu, 08-25-2005 - 4:12pm

... the baby will be having in September if he said the baby has no father now. I know he said it out of extreme anger at me for whatever reason and though that doesnt make it right. I just want to do the right thing here. The baby has a sleep apnea ( makes him have restless sleep at night and a feeling of a nasal congestion)the surgery is to remove the (adnoise) and remove the tonsils, not very severe surgery but it's surgery nonetheless.

Would you contact the father and let him know considering his statement. I mean the last time the baby was in the hospital and had to be admitted, when I called him to tell him, he brought his gf to the er. Oh did it hurt me sooo much. She stayed in the waiting area but just knowing she was out there and his trips out there to talk to her really killed me. So when I think about that I'm inclined not to tell him anything. But again that has to do with "MY" emotions and has nothing to do with the baby. He hasnt seen the baby in 2 months.

What's the right thing to do here?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2004
Thu, 08-25-2005 - 4:58pm
This is such a hard call. Being that he hasn't seen the child in two months, I'd be inclined not to tell him. At the same time, you might want to at least give him the option to show up, if he doesn't so be it, but he might like to be there. I really wish I had better advice for you. I know that whatever you do, it will be the right choice.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
Thu, 08-25-2005 - 5:27pm
This one is a toughie and I totally feel for you. If my STBX would have pulled that kind of stunt bringing the gf to the ER, they would have to prepare a bed for her and maybe him too.......Since it is regarding healthcare, I think that you really need to tell him......what he chooses to do is on him....My feeling is if you do not notify him that he can try to use it against you at some point to say that you are not including him in his parenting obligation...I would not give him the satisfaction of that.....I would let him know that if he chooses to visit that it is not appropriate to bring a date.......Who in the world brings a date to the ER?....
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-25-2005 - 8:13pm

I think the right thing to do is to tell him. I would not however invite him to the hospital, but instead let him know when your son will be home and ready for visitors.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2004
Thu, 08-25-2005 - 8:47pm

Wow, hun, that's tough. Well, I'd be inclined not to tell him, but that's because I'm a bitter, spiteful B----! Emotions aside though, you might be legally obligated to tell him. I'm not sure what your custody situation is, but where I live, if you have joint custody (not joint physical, but joint legal) then you MUST inform the other parent of any major medical issues. Yeah, I think he'd use it against you at some point. I think the idea of telling him when your son will be home is a great idea. Is there more than one hospital in your town? If so, don't tell him what hospital and be sure to tell them in admissions that you don't want anyone who calls to know that you are there. That way he's not hunting you down to come to the hospital and cause a scene. Oh, and tell him if he does show up to visit with his skanky GF, that he can just turn right on around and go home. He needs to show you more respect than that. If he says that you're being unreasonable or whatever, tell him that you have every right to be.


Two of my kids had their adnoids out and they did well. But look out! DS's breath will be HORRIBLE for a couple of weeks! lol

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Thu, 08-25-2005 - 9:13pm

I would tell him. When my daughter had eye surgery, I involved him in the decision on whether or not to do the surgery and then I just gave him the option to come. At that time he was not seeing the children.


While Bailee was in the hospital without me, after the docs took her, I called him because I was PISSED that I had to deal with it alone. He never answered his phone....I was scared, I mean the doctors just come and take your baby away, no questions asked. It's hard and I was so mad.


I guess, I would just let him know. Send him a letter. Say, YOU can be involved if you want, but it is to be only US as _____'s parents. Word it in a way to make it sound that US is an option, you, me and OW is not.


Hugs, good luck and I pray that everything goes ok with your babies surgery :)


Angelena






iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Fri, 08-26-2005 - 10:03am

Thank you so much ladies. All of your advice has been great. The thing is I dont think my family will understand. They are pi$$ed at him and have every reason to be. He talked about my sister's and accussed them of keeping their kids from their father's and he didnt even know what really happened.

If I tell them this is what I plan to do I know they will get mad. Geez, what a mess and sticky situation. To answer the question to one of the posters as far as our custody situation, we werent legally married so their is nothing set up legally in regards to that but I did take him to court for child support. So I dont think I have a "legal obligagtion" to tell him anything. But I just want to do the right thing or at least try even if he isnt willing. Someone has to be the adult and the bigger person here. I know he loves his son and is just in a very bad place right now and making so many mistakes that he cant see right now.

But I dont want him to use my kindness in trying to involve him and try to hurt me by bringing his little tart to the hospital again. Because then they would both need to be admitted also. I dont know how I kept it together the first time it happened. But I know he did it to hurt me.

A male friend of mine claims that when you break up with someone and you still try to do things to hurt the other person it's because you are hurting over the loss of the relationship. He said why would you waste all that energy to do that if you werent hurting. God only knows.

The surgery is Sept. 14th, they will keep him overnight b/c he is only 2 1/2. Oh God help me decide the right thing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Fri, 08-26-2005 - 10:46am

Hugs, luvred. I do think it is the right thing to advise him of the surgery. If he tries to turn the phone call into 'poor hard done by me' don't let him engage you - just get out the information you need to give him and end the call if he's being uncooperative. I guess I differ from the others, but I'd rather see him in the hospital than have him in my home. No, I wouldn't want him to bring OW with him to the hospital, but when you have him in your home he may try to replay the old script and it may bring up old feelings and that could be much worse for you. Just my opinion - you have to figure out what works for you.

I can understand how your family wouldn't be feeling too friendly toward him right now. Just tell them that you understand how they feel about him and he's not your favourite person right now either, but the fact is that he is your child's father and you want to do the right thing. How he chooses to act on the information is up to him, and it will give you a way to gauge how to handle issues like this in the future.

-sang

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Fri, 08-26-2005 - 11:20am
That sounds like a plan. Just thinking about having to call him though gets me nervous. At least if he hangs up the phone on me i know where I stand. part of me thinks thats what he will do. How much advance warning should I give him. Should I tell him today or just wait until a few days before. Im so scared of what he will do/say.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Fri, 08-26-2005 - 12:10pm

I understand what you're saying about being nervous, but remember that you're not the same woman you were when you were together. You've gone through a difficult time in your life and come out much stronger and more self-reliant. If he hangs up or tries to be combative on the phone, remind yourself that after what you've been through emotionally, one phone call is just a drop in the bucket.

If it were me, once you're sure you feel calling him is the right thing to do and you figure out what you want to say, I'd just call him. I can't stand having anything hanging over my head, and if I waited to call I'd just spend that time dreading the phone call and coming up with possible scenarios of what he might say, etc. For me, that waiting time is always worse than whatever unpleasant thing I'm trying to avoid, so I try to make myself deal with unpleasant things right away and they're usually not as bad as my imagination makes them out to be.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
Fri, 08-26-2005 - 2:00pm

Do you have specific language in your possession order about medical treatments/authorizing/informing? I do in mine because ex wouldn't take my kid to the dr. when she was sick in his care or even tell me she was sick. Am I remembering right that your divorce is not final yet?

I agree with the responders who said the right thing to do is tell him. Try to unemotionally put yourself in his shoes. I think he has a right to know even for something this minor. I also would calmly state that you would prefer he not come for the surgery but visit the baby later, if this is what you wish.

My son had this surgery at 2 1/2--got ear tubes too. How old is your boy? My son did come out of the anesthesia very upset and confused and trying to hit people, but after about half an hour he was OK. This upset me, but I understand it is common with the little guys--just be prepared. The surgery was very successful for us, he was almost never sick afterwards, used to have almost constant ear and sinus infections. BTW, my little boy is now 6'5" and healthy as a (huge) horse! He still snores though.

I wish you and your little boy a very easy time with this and a quick recovery. My son felt just fine after just 2 days.

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