Would Like Your Opinion
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Would Like Your Opinion
| Thu, 04-06-2006 - 12:15pm |
I am not going through a divorce, sons father and I were not married, but we have a beautiful son who is almost a year. We just got done going to court, to establish parentage, custody, and visitation. We have joint legal custody where I have to keep him informed of all medical decisions, but I make the daily medical decisions. Our son has a lot of special needs and has a terminal illness. I have sole physical custody and I have him 95%, he has him 5%. He has supervised visitation. We agreed to have them supervised by a third party, ex's dad. This was all due to domestic violence, and him having brought our son back not having fed him five times, each for at least eight hours at a time, even though he is on ten medications and needs to eat regularly. I am required to allow him at least four hours a week of supervised visitation, each visitation less than four hours at a time, in increments. We just started this and my communication with the grandfather has been good, it seems like it might work out well. That's what I thought at least. The problem I need advice on is that part of me and my x's agreement, even though it wasn't a court order, he agreed he would meet with our son's nurse to work on learning to feed him again. He doesn't have a feeding tube yet, but it takes up to two hours to feed him a bottle, it requires a lot of patience. They were trying to work out a time to see him, and I guess in the process he mentioned it shouldn't be at the grandfather's house because it's way too dirty and messy. Now I'm thinking, if it's too messy and dirty for the nurse to see him there, why is it ok to have our medically fragile son there for visitation? Why don't they clean up? How bad is it? BAd enough for the nurse to not be able to come over? I knew the house was cluttered before, and that was a concern of mine, but I figured before the baby started coming over they would clean up. I don't even know now if they have a space for our son to be comfortable in. I don't know how dirty dirty is to him, but if the nurse can't even come over, then why is it ok for our son to be there? Is it wrong for me to ask to come over and ask to see the place before the next visitation, to make sure it's clean and there's nothing that can fall on him, and to make sure they have a safe place for him? I don't think the nurse would have told me unless she felt she needed to, but we are waiting to see if he does end up scheduling a time, he hasn't called her back since she said it would have to be there. I'm trying to be understanding and work with the grandfather, but I want to make sure our son is safe. I don't want to cause trouble. I have the option with the court order to have the visits professionally supervised, at a facility I know is clean, but I would really like the baby to be able to see the grandparents too. How do I ask to see their house without offending them?
Sorry so long,
sehts' mom
Sorry so long,
sehts' mom

sethsma05...
PG's 2 cents:
Whatever agreement or arrangement for visitation SHOULD BE IN WRITING! This includes the time, day, place, and anything else that's pertinent.
You are bearing the burden of rearing Seth.....and from what you've related, you've got your work cut out for you. But it sounds like you're up for the challenge. But whether you care for the hygiene or not at Grandpop's place....Dad and Granddad are entitled to visitation priviliges.
So while personal hygiene is important to most of us....it's not necessarily imperative for EVERYBODY! So expecting EX Dad's and Father-In-Law's to adhere to your standards probably won't work?
If you have a good friend (or another family member) who can be present when the meds are monitored...you might have some sort of "peace of mind?"
WORK OUT EVERYTHING AND GET IT IN WRITING! This way...there's no miscommunication, misunderstanding or hurt feelings....on either side.
Pianoguy
Seth's Mom-
I am sorry you are having to feel stressed over this. You seem like a caring woman who just wants the best for her child.
I think that asking to see their house should not offend them. You, the father, and the gp's all have one commonality, and that is that you love Seth and want him to be safe and sound. Could you offer to pick him up or drop him off there sometime, so you can casually see it? Even ask to use the bathroom or something.
Or...you might just approach his dad in an adult manner, be very kind and considerate and put it just like you did in your post...tell him you are concerned that if a nurse cannot come to the house, why should your son?
Also...my last 2 cents...I was thinking about my own home..(the clutter is a little nasty lately, I've slacked in my seperation..) but anyway, I would not mind one bit a friend or family member being there, they know that I am usually very neat and clean, and would not think anything of it..but if a stranger were to come there I might be uncomfortable, and feel like I am not a good housekeeper. is something like this possible? what kind of a guy hygeine and housekeeping wise was he when you were with him?
Kind of silly, but just a thought.
anyway. good luck to you and your son. HTH
Well, you could take Seth there if that's where the visit will take place... and perhaps "supervise" it yourself.
Let us know what you work out and how the first visit goes.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
First off, my heart breaks for you having to go through custody/visitation problems while dealing with a seriously ill child. I cant' even imagine how hard that is. You definitely have my sympathy.
I suggest you discuss your hygiene/feeding/medication concerns with your son's physician. Perhaps he/she has some suggestions. If there is a good relationship with the grandparents, perhaps they can meet with dr. and learn what they need to do.
Frankly, I think your idea of asking the court to order professionally supervised visitations at a neutral (and clean) facility is an excellent idea. You always have the option of inviting the grandparents (without Dad) to your home to see him for an hour occasionally, as well.
Hugs from Cupcake