Wouldn't Death Be Less Painful
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| Mon, 09-03-2007 - 12:48pm |
...at least it seems that way today. After 27 years of marriage and two wonderful sons, I found out last April my DH had been having an afair for a year. The woman worked for him and is about 10 years younger than me (of course). After admitting everything to me when I confronted him with an email I had found, he then denied to our boys that he had ever said he was having an affair. The OW is just a 'good friend" and is "very important" to him. He said the old cliche, "I love you, but I'm not IN love with you". He moved out that day and would not even tell me where he lived.
We've already signed the settlement papers and are waiting for the retirement accounts to be split before everything is filed. I have followed this man all over the country as he took bigger and better jobs. Each time, I left behind a little part of myself. Now I don't even know who I am. We married at 18. I have never ever lived alone before.
I'm packing up the house this weekend and moving to an apartment. Silly, some say, as he has to pay the mortgage until the house sells. But I can't stand it here anymore with all of the memories. How do you "split" 27 (really 30) years of a life together into two piles?
To make matters worse, my sons are behaving as if their Dad is still this great guy, this honorable man. I believe he is keeping his girlfriend away until the divorce is final - will they accept her just as easily as they seem to have accepted the split? Sometimes I don't think I can hurt anymore but then - surprise - something else happens and it gets worse. I don't know if I WILL survive this. This just hurts so much.
I am not suicidal, after experiencing my Dad's suicide in 2004. But death HAS to be less painful than this......

I dont' know what it is about April! Me too after 35 years. Had no clue it was coming, however, mine says there is no one else. He still loves me, just wants to be alone. Hasn't been happy for the past year, doesn't know why. I asked him to see someone about depression possibly and he refused everything. Long story short, we too divided retirement. I moved in with my daughter as our property is too expense and too much for me too keep up or afford.
I have a new condo being built should be in about 30 days. I have been so lost I can't even describe. I never have lived alone either...I'm actually afraid. Afraid that I will be truly depressed, but everyone assures me it will be great.
I've bought everything new and only taking what was my mothers (alot of antiques which he doesn't want anyway). Also my good 'ol chocolate lab is going with me. Actually I have him here at my daughters. Tell you the truth, if I had lost him too that would have been the cherry on the cake of disaster. He's always been "my" dog. Follows me and truly unconditional love, of which of course I thought I had in my husband!
Was going to retire in December. That's not happening now for another 3 - 4 years.
Talk about depressing!
But I do feel I'm getting stronger. I know what you are feeling...Betrayal, destruction, devastation and where in the heck do we go from here? Just one day at a time and let those that love you help you.
Stay strong...you can do this!
Hugs,
Rhea
I feel your pain. You have every right to "feel low" after building a life with your H and having him exit. It is impossible to offer much help on a message board but let me at least try.
When you place your trust and faith in someone and they dissapoint you in this manner, there are many emotions to try and cope with. Sadness, anger, fear, dissapointment, and sometimes even hate. These are the darkest days...most everyone that has gone through what you have will tell you that, there is a grieving period and then with all kinds of support, a recovery period. You will have to at the appropriate time to let go, determined not to let this color the rest of your life. Hopefully you can adapt, find your own life, and reach happiness. It takes a lot of time and dedication to trying to overcome the change in your life.
I encourage you to find some good support groups: pastor, church, friends, therapist or others you feel comfortable. God bless and reach down and convince yourself you are not going to let this hold you back from a good life. In time, you will find greater and greater happiness. I will pray for you.
I have a question about that. Since my wife left me as well. Why should I have to be responsible for paying OUR mortgage when both our names or on the mortgage papers. It's her credit too. I don't think it's right just because she doesn't want to be here that she shouldn't have to pay her part. That's just my opinion and since I'm going through it I think it's valid. Thanks
Thank you so much for your encouragement and your prayers. I, too, am praying person. However, sometimes the words just won't come. This is the hardest thing I've ever dealt with. I am a "fixer" by nature - but I just couldn't fix this.
Blessings,
Susan
Thank you for your encouragement. My dog, Bob, has been a lifesaver to me. I keep telling my friends, all I would need to be a country song is for my dog to die....
I, too, am beginning to feel stronger - most of the time. The "dark days" are still coming, just not quite as often. I am going to "DivorceCare", which I find very helpful. I will be doing pretty well sometimes, then I get an email from him and it rocks my world all over again.
He told me about a year ago (following a two week trip I took with my church - apparently the affair began then) that he was "unhappy". I begged and pleaded him to stay (to my humiliation) and we went to counseling for 6 months. He was having his affair during the whole time in counseling, so that was pointless. However, I was a little stronger by the time he actually left me - even tho I couldn't see it at the time. I just want this to be over.
I am physically, emotionally and spiritually exhausted. I will be glad when the move is behind me and I can begin to find my "new normal", as my friend calls it.
This is great to have someplace to come where people understand the hurt and pain. Thank you for taking the time to write to me.
Blessings,
Susan
rhea,
Thank you for your kindness in writing to me. I hate you are going thru this as well, but it does help to know I am not alone. I am sorry you have had to go and find a job. Maybe something will come along that you enjoy doing. I am a praying person - I will pray God will show you what to do.
I have worked part time since moving here almost 3 years ago, but have had to go full time. It is an adjustment, especially while trying to pack for my move. But it is good in some ways, as it gives me something to focus on besides my situation. I am obsessing less this week than I have previously. So I guess it's progress, one baby step at a time. But sometimes, the loneliness gets to me. This is not how I ever imagined my life! We had kids young and had planned to spend our 40's doing all the fun things we didn't get to do with little kids around. Now SHE gets to do it! And the crazy thing is, she has a 3 year old, and he didn't want more children when we had our 2nd son!!! I don't get it - I think it will grow old very quickly.
The hardest thing is he gets to run and visit our son and new granddaughter 4 1/2 hours away while I have to stay here, as my mom has been in and out of the hospital. He promised when we moved her here he would help me, he would take care of her and us. More empty promises.
Oh well, didn't mean to go on and on....
Thank you again for your support. God bless.
Blessings,
Susan
Rhea
Hi Susan,
Just hang in there. It will take a few years, but you will be okay. I was also married for 27 years. He left in 2003 and our divorce was final in 2005. I had to completely restructure my life because he used the kids on his quest for freedom.
I really enjoy my life now, but sometimes get angry because now all family traditions are gone. But then again, life is full of changes and because of this divorce I've learned to accept whatever is thrown at me and move on. You will too.
Have fun rediscovering yourself, you deserve it!