Wouldn't Death Be Less Painful

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2007
Wouldn't Death Be Less Painful
10
Mon, 09-03-2007 - 12:48pm

...at least it seems that way today. After 27 years of marriage and two wonderful sons, I found out last April my DH had been having an afair for a year. The woman worked for him and is about 10 years younger than me (of course). After admitting everything to me when I confronted him with an email I had found, he then denied to our boys that he had ever said he was having an affair. The OW is just a 'good friend" and is "very important" to him. He said the old cliche, "I love you, but I'm not IN love with you". He moved out that day and would not even tell me where he lived.

We've already signed the settlement papers and are waiting for the retirement accounts to be split before everything is filed. I have followed this man all over the country as he took bigger and better jobs. Each time, I left behind a little part of myself. Now I don't even know who I am. We married at 18. I have never ever lived alone before.

I'm packing up the house this weekend and moving to an apartment. Silly, some say, as he has to pay the mortgage until the house sells. But I can't stand it here anymore with all of the memories. How do you "split" 27 (really 30) years of a life together into two piles?

To make matters worse, my sons are behaving as if their Dad is still this great guy, this honorable man. I believe he is keeping his girlfriend away until the divorce is final - will they accept her just as easily as they seem to have accepted the split? Sometimes I don't think I can hurt anymore but then - surprise - something else happens and it gets worse. I don't know if I WILL survive this. This just hurts so much.

I am not suicidal, after experiencing my Dad's suicide in 2004. But death HAS to be less painful than this......

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2007
Mon, 09-03-2007 - 4:45pm

I dont' know what it is about April! Me too after 35 years. Had no clue it was coming, however, mine says there is no one else. He still loves me, just wants to be alone. Hasn't been happy for the past year, doesn't know why. I asked him to see someone about depression possibly and he refused everything. Long story short, we too divided retirement. I moved in with my daughter as our property is too expense and too much for me too keep up or afford.

I have a new condo being built should be in about 30 days. I have been so lost I can't even describe. I never have lived alone either...I'm actually afraid. Afraid that I will be truly depressed, but everyone assures me it will be great.

I've bought everything new and only taking what was my mothers (alot of antiques which he doesn't want anyway). Also my good 'ol chocolate lab is going with me. Actually I have him here at my daughters. Tell you the truth, if I had lost him too that would have been the cherry on the cake of disaster. He's always been "my" dog. Follows me and truly unconditional love, of which of course I thought I had in my husband!

Was going to retire in December. That's not happening now for another 3 - 4 years.
Talk about depressing!

But I do feel I'm getting stronger. I know what you are feeling...Betrayal, destruction, devastation and where in the heck do we go from here? Just one day at a time and let those that love you help you.

Stay strong...you can do this!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2005
Mon, 09-03-2007 - 4:52pm
I understand what you are saying. I too feel that if I died today, the pain I feel will die with me. My daughters know how their father is, they love him, I am lucky though, they don't want to be bothered by him and his mistress. He keeps trying to get our DD's to talk to her on the phone. I think him and his mistress are both from another planet. I have spoken to my doctor, and my therapists about how I feel that if I died, it would take away the pain. They both agreed that I am not suicidal. I am on meds to try to help me get through the day. I am so sorry that you are going through this, I just want you to know that there is someone out there that understands what you are feeling. When I wake up in the morning and when I get the very little sleep that I get, the hurt is there. My H was my life. My DD's can't seem to understand this. It's a different generation than when you and I were married. Did you at least get yourself a career? I did'nt, my H never wanted me to go to school and have a careeer. He just wanted me to work at jobs that brought money in, fast food restaurants, deli's, convience stores, etc. There was no future in any of these jobs that I had. He always said that I will always have his health insurance, I don't need a job that offers that. He also said that we would have his retirement, so don't worry about a retirement plan. Now that he has mistress, she wants all those benefits and she doesn't even work!!!! My heart and prayers go out to you, just know you're not alone. We also got his retirement split from his previous employer before any papers were filed. At least now the only thing that will be brought up in the divorce is alimony. I am going tomorrow to fill out papers at a job!!! Finally, guess what, it's a fast food restaurant, well it's a job, can't say I didn't try for something better, I know the manager, we used to work together. It will feel good, and I'm praying that being out of the house working will do me good!!
Hugs,
Rhea
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2007
Mon, 09-03-2007 - 9:26pm

I feel your pain. You have every right to "feel low" after building a life with your H and having him exit. It is impossible to offer much help on a message board but let me at least try.

When you place your trust and faith in someone and they dissapoint you in this manner, there are many emotions to try and cope with. Sadness, anger, fear, dissapointment, and sometimes even hate. These are the darkest days...most everyone that has gone through what you have will tell you that, there is a grieving period and then with all kinds of support, a recovery period. You will have to at the appropriate time to let go, determined not to let this color the rest of your life. Hopefully you can adapt, find your own life, and reach happiness. It takes a lot of time and dedication to trying to overcome the change in your life.

I encourage you to find some good support groups: pastor, church, friends, therapist or others you feel comfortable. God bless and reach down and convince yourself you are not going to let this hold you back from a good life. In time, you will find greater and greater happiness. I will pray for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2007
Mon, 09-03-2007 - 9:28pm

I have a question about that. Since my wife left me as well. Why should I have to be responsible for paying OUR mortgage when both our names or on the mortgage papers. It's her credit too. I don't think it's right just because she doesn't want to be here that she shouldn't have to pay her part. That's just my opinion and since I'm going through it I think it's valid. Thanks
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2007
Mon, 09-03-2007 - 9:39pm

Thank you so much for your encouragement and your prayers. I, too, am praying person. However, sometimes the words just won't come. This is the hardest thing I've ever dealt with. I am a "fixer" by nature - but I just couldn't fix this.

Blessings,
Susan

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2007
Mon, 09-03-2007 - 9:46pm

Thank you for your encouragement. My dog, Bob, has been a lifesaver to me. I keep telling my friends, all I would need to be a country song is for my dog to die....

I, too, am beginning to feel stronger - most of the time. The "dark days" are still coming, just not quite as often. I am going to "DivorceCare", which I find very helpful. I will be doing pretty well sometimes, then I get an email from him and it rocks my world all over again.

He told me about a year ago (following a two week trip I took with my church - apparently the affair began then) that he was "unhappy". I begged and pleaded him to stay (to my humiliation) and we went to counseling for 6 months. He was having his affair during the whole time in counseling, so that was pointless. However, I was a little stronger by the time he actually left me - even tho I couldn't see it at the time. I just want this to be over.

I am physically, emotionally and spiritually exhausted. I will be glad when the move is behind me and I can begin to find my "new normal", as my friend calls it.

This is great to have someplace to come where people understand the hurt and pain. Thank you for taking the time to write to me.

Blessings,
Susan

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2007
Mon, 09-03-2007 - 9:52pm

rhea,
Thank you for your kindness in writing to me. I hate you are going thru this as well, but it does help to know I am not alone. I am sorry you have had to go and find a job. Maybe something will come along that you enjoy doing. I am a praying person - I will pray God will show you what to do.

I have worked part time since moving here almost 3 years ago, but have had to go full time. It is an adjustment, especially while trying to pack for my move. But it is good in some ways, as it gives me something to focus on besides my situation. I am obsessing less this week than I have previously. So I guess it's progress, one baby step at a time. But sometimes, the loneliness gets to me. This is not how I ever imagined my life! We had kids young and had planned to spend our 40's doing all the fun things we didn't get to do with little kids around. Now SHE gets to do it! And the crazy thing is, she has a 3 year old, and he didn't want more children when we had our 2nd son!!! I don't get it - I think it will grow old very quickly.

The hardest thing is he gets to run and visit our son and new granddaughter 4 1/2 hours away while I have to stay here, as my mom has been in and out of the hospital. He promised when we moved her here he would help me, he would take care of her and us. More empty promises.

Oh well, didn't mean to go on and on....

Thank you again for your support. God bless.

Blessings,
Susan

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2005
Mon, 09-03-2007 - 10:45pm
You're so right that the hardest thing is she gets to share it all with him. I remember when my H just started out trying to progress with his job. I was very supportive, very encouraging. He asked me to go to the top with him. Well, he has gone to the top all right. Empty promise again. I think working will do me some good, plus we really could use the money, my H isn't sending me anything. His GF sent our daughter a check, she ripped it up. Even just a few months ago he said I was going to be with him. He made promises to people that he wasn't going to hurt me again. He's really good at the promise making, it's keeping them that he can't do. He has changed so much, I can't help but hold his GF partly responsible for it. I can't beleive that she beat him up and spit in his face, this man is my Husband, for God's sake. How dare she treat him like that. Well, he went back to it, he now says that she was violent towards him because of me. Once again, my fault. He told us many things about her, of course, now he says he lied about it. He forgets, I was there when it first started going bad, I had a hotel room, he stayed a week with me in that room before he went to MD. I heard her son's threatening message to my H on his voice mail. I also have the e-mails that she sent him while he was at work. He insisted I print them out. I'm not going to rehash all that again, I just want to continue with this struggle of trying to get by. Thank you for your encouraging words, just maybe we can get through this with everyones help here. I have been on a roller coaster with this man for such a long time now, this time, I'm off it, and, no matter what, I won't be going back on it. I finally have said that if she beats him, if she kills him, it's his own fault. This may sound crazy but, I have to say it, hopefully she does it before the divorce papers become final. That way, me being his legal wife, I can bring him back home where he belongs. We always said that when we both we dead, our ashes were to be mixed in with each other. Enough, no more remembering. Take care Susan.
Rhea
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2007
Tue, 09-04-2007 - 12:26am
I think that death is less painful. I can barely get thru the day. My boyfriend has cheated on me, hit me and sometimes I think he only stayed with me because I got pregnant. I love him to death despite all the things he has done to me and find it hard to let go. I wonder if the next person will be better than me, will she be prettier than me and will my kids like her better. I don't want to be alone and sometimes I think that is what keeps me coming back. I am not that pretty and I am over weight. Men act like I am the plague. I feel like crap. And everyday I get closer to wishing I was done with this life. At least then the pain has got to stop.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Tue, 09-04-2007 - 7:03am

Hi Susan,

Just hang in there. It will take a few years, but you will be okay. I was also married for 27 years. He left in 2003 and our divorce was final in 2005. I had to completely restructure my life because he used the kids on his quest for freedom.

I really enjoy my life now, but sometimes get angry because now all family traditions are gone. But then again, life is full of changes and because of this divorce I've learned to accept whatever is thrown at me and move on. You will too.

Have fun rediscovering yourself, you deserve it!