Wow

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Wow
12
Sat, 06-25-2005 - 9:52pm

Well ladies.....


You all know that my mother and I don't get along.... the reason we don't get along right now is because she chose OW over me. Yes, a slap in the face.


Well, today I found out from my grandmother that my mom is in the hospital. My mom has terminal cancer. I find out what hospital she is in and I make plans to go see her tomorrow only to find out that instead of calling me to take her to the ER, she called OW.


Again, slapping me in the face.


So, tell me how this is normal:? OW is trying to be me. She took my husband, trying to replace me with my kids and now is pretending to be a daughter to my mother. Oh and for those who know the story know that OW likes to post things on her website to

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
In reply to: cl_butterfly71676
Sat, 06-25-2005 - 10:15pm
Well, yes I can see how that is wrong. But I can also see how there is nothing you can do about it. They have a relationship now and they probably aren't going to give it up, espcially because they seem to have something in common, wanting to get to you and they know their relationship does that. Even if they both didn't have their own issues with you, they would still be allowed to have a relationship with each other and be there for each other if that is what they both want (and it seems that might be the case). I think this falls into the category of something you have to let go, however it is you do that, because putting energy toward thinking about it or trying to understand it or complaining about it is pointless. The OW trying to hurt you is not so surprising. Your mom doing that is very disappointing to you as a daughter. She's not a normal mom and you don't and probably will never have a normal relationship with her. Focus on the relationships in your life that give you strength and support. Allow yourself to feel sad that your mom is not the mom you need to have, but don't worry about what she does, just grieve that absense of the relationship and work on letting it go.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
In reply to: cl_butterfly71676
Sun, 06-26-2005 - 2:30am

hi and hugs....


you know that you can't change other people and you can't make people do things that they don't want to do. your mother (for whatever reason) is choosing to be closer to this woman than with you. YOU can't change this.


the ONLY thing that you CAN do - is decide if you want to spend what little time your mom has on earth with her (no matter who else is in the room at the time; no matter if your mom calls you or not; etc) or not. that's all you CAN DO right now. you need to push all other thoughts out of your mind and make this decsion, and once you've made the decision- you will have to live with it.


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2004
In reply to: cl_butterfly71676
Sun, 06-26-2005 - 7:57am
my god, i would have a very tough time with all of that. it's insane. i hope you're in therapy.
Avatar for susieyippin
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2003
In reply to: cl_butterfly71676
Sun, 06-26-2005 - 10:06am

My gosh, that woman is insane! She sounds like that woman in Fatal Attraction. What a frickin' psycho! I guess document everything that this whacko is doing, and maybe file a stalking complaint ? Please be careful, this woman sounds like she'll stop at nothing to destroy you. Hugs to you, I hope you get through this.

Susie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
In reply to: cl_butterfly71676
Sun, 06-26-2005 - 10:13am

OK this is going to sound weird and I'm going out on a limb here not knowing what your relationship with your mothr was like before her terminal illness, but here goes. Do you think that what you are perceiving as rejection by your mother is in fact her trying to spare you having to deal with her illness and dying???

Now I know that OW is a nurse and perhaps she is relying on her because of her background and because she would rather have an outside person take care of her in her last days rather than having her daughter see her that way. I know it sounds F%!*@# up but people do strange things when they are dying and one of the things they do is withdraw from loved ones.

Is your mothr in the hospital now? Can you visit her and just sit with her? Also, talking to some of her nurses including a her homehealth or hospice nurse could give you some insight into what is happening.

Again, I'm going out on a limb here but this could be what is happening.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
In reply to: cl_butterfly71676
Sun, 06-26-2005 - 10:29am

Hi there,


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2005
In reply to: cl_butterfly71676
Sun, 06-26-2005 - 10:38am
Hugs Angelena. I'm sorry that your mom doesn't treat you the way she should. I'm even more sorry that she picked your nemesis to be her friend. *sigh* This is so surreal that it sounds like something that should be on a Dr. phil episode. I think that whatever you decide to do is the right thing to do, at this point. Follow your heart. And, get as much support as you can from the people who love you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
In reply to: cl_butterfly71676
Sun, 06-26-2005 - 6:36pm

Sorry about the mix up about OM's job. I got your story mixed up with someone else. I think that your mother is trying to spare you pain and that OM is using this to her full advantage. She may be winning the battle but the war is far from over. Karma is going to kick her in the a$$.

You could try talking to a hospice nurse about what you have described and get her opinion on how to handle the situation. She doesn't have to give you confidential information if you're just talking about dealing with a dying loved one. Talk to a nurse that's not involved in your mother's care, just for advice purposes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
In reply to: cl_butterfly71676
Mon, 06-27-2005 - 8:54am
I can see how you would be hurt, but i suggesst that whether or not your mom has termincal cancer, you do what YOU need for YOU. If seeing her is good for you,

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
In reply to: cl_butterfly71676
Mon, 06-27-2005 - 10:16am

Hugs, Angi. It seems like the below the belt blows just keep on coming, don't they? It is a little creepy how OW seems to be trying to do a complete SWF on you (did you see that movie?).

My theory on the relationship between your mother and OW. Neither knows each other well or knows the extent of the other's negative tendencies. Each acts the way the other wants and needs her to act, and that's why the relationship is working for them right now. OW hasn't been on the receiving end of one of your mother's lies, so she can give your mother the undoubting sympathy she's seeking. Whereas you can't give that to your mother because you know anything you hear from her has to be verified before you can believe it. Plus they're united in their view of you as the 'bad guy'. I know you'd like to make peace with your mother, especially if the end is, in fact, near. If you feel like you need to reach out to her or attempt a visit, I would encourage you to do so for your own peace of mind to know that you did your best. But she may reject your attempts, and if she does, I hope you know that the fault is not yours but her own. I think she may have a hard time accepting your attempt to reconcile, because to change her view of you as the 'bad guy', she has to face the lies she has told of you and take a good look at herself, and I wonder whether she would be able to do so. As someone else (Karen?) suggested, you could send a card, telling her that you love her and that you would like there to be peace between the two of you. You could also tell her that while you have trouble understanding her relationship with OW, you are glad that she has been able to find comfort in it. Because it is good that she has someone there who is giving her comfort. And if you can accept their relationship, I have to wonder whether they'll find it nearly so appealing when it's not getting under your skin.

-sang

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