Wow huge realizations on letting go
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| Thu, 05-17-2007 - 11:15pm |
I'm reading an AMAZING book and I'd like to recommend it to anyone that is having trouble moving on from their D. It is called "Leaving Him Behind - Cutting the Cord and Breaking Free After the Marriage Ends" by Sandra S. Kahn.
I have been D for 2 years now, have had R with other men in this time frame, yet in the last few months I have been longing for my ex, missing him, wondering why he hates me still, why can't we be friends, even fantasizing about one day reuniting with him.
This is all not good for me. I must let go. And I have been stuck in this place where I can't move on, meet someone new, open up to a new experience and new love.
I realize from the book that my clinging on has more to do with the security that this mental/emotional attachment provides, rather than that authentic wish to be with him again. There are many reasons for the "Ex-Wife Syndrome" as the author coins it--and it is personal for every woman. But one thing that is a common need is that we have trouble letting go because keeping a connection in our mind serves a purpose, which is usually a false comfort and familiarity which is a distraction and sabatage from having to face the pain and risk of being hurt again with someone new and face emotional independence. It can be rooted in fear, guilt, anger, etc. It's almost as if the familiar ache and sadness over the ex, and having the ex in our minds all the time is, while painful, SAFE. Letting go and moving on away from emotional dependency feels UNsafe.
This is kind of blowing my mind. I am going to work hard in my T to continue exploring the topics in this book.
My exH has a GF, is committed to her and has no need for me in his life in any way--we have NC. Yet I long for contact, and my memories of the truth of the unhappiness in my M are clouded by romanticized memories of our happier times--and it makes me wonder why I do this, since *I* am the one that moved out and ended the M. So I realize that I have fears of independence and risks in new love. I would rather feel this pain that is safe and familiar than risk hurting again in a new way. I would rather keep my old emotional dependence on him rather than cut the cord and face my fears of being a strong and healthy single woman. It's almost like emotionally I am still M without any of the benefits of the M.
This must chage because I don't want to sabotage my chances for love and happiness.
I highly recommend this book to all of you that are struggling with letting go.
xoxoxo
Loves

Your post blew me away!! I too have been divorced nearly 2 years and still feel like i need an emotional attachment to my XH. Of course, it doesn't help in my case that he came to ME in December and told me he still loved me, wanted a second chance... it all boiled down to the fact that he was going through a rough time (fired, GF betrayed his trust, etc.) and needed me...the one person he says knows him best. I went down this path because I have always missed him and still love him... but in the end, he chose to go back to the GF because he is afraid of taking a leap of faith with me. imagine the amount of hurt i feel over that one! but i must go on... so today (Fri. 5/18), I decided that I must get off this roller coaster... and have told him that i cannot be his friend, that he's hurt me to much, and my waiting for him has prevented me from facing my own life...finding out what will make me happy. We have no children and you would think this would be easy... but it's not. I will get through it, I have so far!! I KNOW that i need to be free of this and I will look into getting the book you suggest! Thank You for this post!! You have no idea how, today of all days, this has helped me!
Ali
Karen ~ wildlucky4me
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~