Wow...What now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2011
Wow...What now.
Sat, 11-26-2011 - 9:58pm

I wish there were some magic book that told me all of the answers for my current situation but needless to say there isn't but I am sure that I am not alone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 11-26-2011 - 10:34pm

If I'm just going to answer the children question, I know some people split time w/ the kids always being in the same house--I don't know how that works.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2011
Sat, 11-26-2011 - 10:56pm

Wow. well you are really just in the beginning, but I give you so much credit for admitting that you know things will not work. I was where you are a few years ago, only my soon to be ex wasn't a great dad, or good provider. I also met him young. I was 16. He became my best friend. We started dating at 20, had our first child at 23, married when he was 2 years old. Before I had my son there were so many red flags. The major one that I realize now was that I was never very attracted to him. It was just that we were best friends. However, that made me overlook, or accept major flaws like drinking to excess, flirting, lying, and lack of motivaton from him to work, etc. But I told myself I owed it to our son to make it work, and we were married and had 3 more children.

I used to try to force myself to hug him, or even touch him while we were in bed at night. I would lie there and stare at his back and try to will myself to want him. I just couldnt do it. Sex was rare, and difficult with me winding up in tears because I couldn't make myself want him. ofcourse I never told him this to spare his feelings. I prayed every night that God would let me feel somethign for my husband because I so desperatly wanted to make my marriage last. Nobody in my family divorced. Finally, in May of 2010 we seperated. because I was the only one employed at the time, I moved into my daughters bedroom. We did have a hostile environment, and after 4 months of that I signed a lease on a home around the block. he agreed to rotate that home with me

Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Thu, 12-01-2011 - 10:36am
Love is a choice. You choose to love someone and you can choose to stop loving someone.
I will encourage you to choose to keep loving your spouse and here's why. You're current worldview is shaped by the daily chaos of your marriage rather than the overall goal of establishing common goals and achieving harmony in your marriage.
I always encourage couples to get marriage counseling if only to help sort choas from the base issues thar affect your happiness.
Even if you arrive at the decision to divorce marriage counseling will enable you to be better parents and get along better as separated adults.
That said, I think divorce is very hard work; so is working to save a marriage. I encourage you to work on saving your marriage. You will both need to be willing to not only lay your cards on the table but be willing to take responsibility for your issues and how they affect your marriage.
This will take time to achieve and will take continous comittment on both your parts to stay the course.
Yes, the most important thing you will do is make the best effort for yourselves and for your children. Sure, you could get divorced and separate your household, but you then have all the same issues with the added stress of less income, change of address, perhaps schools, and divided loyalties. Add in the very real possibility of a new love interest, new influence on your kids, and additional stress for all of you.
So, I default to my original advice: lay down your own agendas and unite to have a better marriage and a happy family life.
It takes courage not to be selfish. It will take courage to face your pain, fear, and disappointment. Good luck.