WWYD -- stbx failed to get dd to soccer
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| Sat, 09-08-2007 - 9:42pm |
Kids were overnight with Dad. This morning, he was supposed to subway out to my house where I agreed to pick them all up for my dd's first soccer game of the season.
He lives 30 minutes drive away and doesn't have a car. I took my kids to his place last night and agreed to pick them up at the subway near my house (and soccer) this morning.
He calls to say they haven't left his place yet (30 minutes before game). He says he will get a "flex car." Mind you he doesn't have their booster seats. Then at game time he calls to say they haven't left yet because the car wouldn't unlock.
He had the *** to blame *MY GIRLS* for his failure to have them where they needed to be!!!!
I was furious... not at the fact my dd missed her first game (that was upsetting, too, of course), but that he would blame his 5 1/2 and 7 yo dds for his failure to be a parent.
He told my dd that it was her fault for dawdling, for not eating her breakfast, for not brushing her teeth. She's SEVEN; she's only weeks into her parent's separation; she's in his stinky, filthy apartment. He's the parent. Who's job is it to help her get her routine done and get her out the door -- HIS!!!!!!
So, wwyd?
I don't ever ever want either of my girls to miss out on one of their activities because their father can't do his job and wants to live a 1/2 hour away and refuses to get a car.
Also, I don't ever want to hear him blame them for his failures. He has done that all his life with me, his bosses, his friends, but to blame his young children ...
So, do I say "Hey, can't get 'em where they need to be -- don't get to have 'em overnight." ?
He has also gotten here to see them over an hour late on more than one occasion and left before he has gotten them to sleep on more than one occasion (because of how far away he lives he comes here two nights a week).
We don't have a written parenting plan yet.
Advice please!
M

I would give him one more chance, and let him know that it is his last chance! (Don't mention this at the time, but what can he do in absence of an agreement?)
Then if you have to reschedule or curtail visitation until AFTER the activity, and he does make a stink you have two times documented where he failed to perform as a parent.
Maybe explain to DD's that during this transition, there will be mistakes made, but that they are loved, and once a routine is established, it will/should get better.
This is the dress rehearsal for what you need to ask for in your parenting agreement down the line. Start taking notes for yourself. Remember what ever you ask for you also have to comply with, so don't been too strict or too lenient, cause it might bite you at sometime.
Thank you for your thoughtful reply. Well, his next chance is coming up. I tried to talk with him about it again and he got angry and said "They'll get there on time if they listen."
What a time for him to turn into a martinet and "tow the line" kinda guy -- geesh. This is no time in their lives to "teach them a lesson" especially if it deprives them of participation in activities which make them feel "normal" and "like other kids."
I did send a two line email asking to discuss our differing approaches with the child psychologist with whom we have been working on a parenting plan because in that environment he and I will both hear from a neutral expert and he will have to remain civil (no name calling).
Thanks again!
M
This sounds b*tchy, but in absence of a formal agreement or pending one, then you can't be violating or not following the agreement!
Stress to him again, that it is HIS responsibility and passing the blame onto small children is very unbecoming of a grown man. You could be the ultimate snot and inquire as to whether or not HE needs a wake up call? Tell him you don't care how he does it, but the kids get to THEIR activities, on time, unstressed by his inability to parent, or his time will have to come AFTER their activities.
Explain to the DD's that Daddy has to practice parenting, and be prepared for mistakes, and give them a little guidance as to how to make it smoother for THEM! Which is all you really want, them to their activities, without the blame game as to why they are late.
Your EX sounds like my EX, and I will pray for you!! Think to yourself, at least it wasn't DD's wedding day, or something more major!
You are *fabulous*! How well put!
I have drafted (but not sent) two emails giving him my perspective, but none so well put as your comments here.
Thanks for the affirmation of my perspective. Ahhhhh.
:-)))))
M