X & GF in same bedroom with DS...
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X & GF in same bedroom with DS...
| Thu, 12-28-2006 - 4:33pm |
Last night, 10 y/o DS mentioned that "it's hard to sleep when GF is at Dad's"... I responded, "what do you mean?", knowing that X's apartment is a one-room studio. There is one bed, which is in the only common area of the place. DS said, "The GF is in the bed", I said, "where is dad?", and DS said, "In the bed." Where are you during this?" Ds replied, "On the floor on the air mattress." The room is about 20 x 15... there is NO privacy, except in the bathroom. I'll be speaking with X about this... has anyone had this happen, or have any advice?

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I'm kind of torn about calling X's mother... X'x entire family really has no concept of appropriate boundaries; they are all raging alcoholics and his mother is an enabler in denial.
DS and I had a little talk the other night about the situation. I want him to learn what is appropriate, and what is not. I told him that until the grownps can sort it out, then he'll be sleeping here in his bed... that his dad and GF ought not to be sleeping in the same room with him. He replied, "Dad really has a lot going on right now. GF has her suitcases there, and her "lady stuff" is in the bathroom."
THIS situation was not addressed in our divorce and custody agreement (he wasn't involved or as involved with her at the end of August 2006, when we had our final court date).
Yeah, I'm sick of his manipulation... I'm re-reading the book "Emotional Vampires" to get refreshed on dealing with passive-aggressive vampires. I've come to the conclusion that I cannot get drawn into his dramas, because he is such a snake in the grass. That I should just say "whatever", because he sees it as me being the aggressor when he sets his little traps and snares me. I admittedly fall into the dramas, and my resolution this year is to try to not be provoked. That being said, I realize that he and his family are just on another planet, and I really can't expect them to be sane people. LOL
I think I will ring up my X-MIL this afternoon to just say hi... I might be able to slip in "X is having GF sleep over while DS is in the room", and see how she reacts. Then again, it could be opening up a gigantic can of worms, and I could really do without the drama. PLUS, I can see her coming back with "You divorced my precious, perfect baby; it's YOUR fault because he doesn't have a home anymore." Then again, she is religious, and I could also hear her saying "Oh dear. What am I going to do? I'll pray on it."
I'm so sorry! That would have to be awful! Just something to think about...a friend of mine has it in her custody arrangement that neither she or the father can have anyone staying overnight in the house that is not family. GF do not count! So, she cannot live with anyone, nor can anyone even spend the night if her son is home. Same goes for the father. You might think about doing something like that. It may not be an option for you, but I wanted to throw it out there just in case...
And a little more is revealed each day... DS told me that he has asked X if he can sleep in X's office (in a garage-type setting) when GF is there. The office has a concrete floor-- basically a basement, with a desk, chair, and refrigerator. My poor little guy. Well, on Tuesday morning, DS has his counseling appointment. I'm sure that things will kick into a higher gear once she and I talk before she sees DS. My attorney said she hasn't had a chance to call X's attorney (how long can that take, really?), so I'll see how far I can get with the counselor.
UPDATE:
I spoke with X this morning. Here's the jist of our conversation:
Me: DS is feeling like he needs more "alone time" with you.
X: I know. I asked him if he wanted to sleep over some time this week.
Me: Has the situation changed at your place?
X: GF is between here and her mother's place. She sleeps here, it's like camping when DS is here.
Me: It isn't like camping; it is a living siutation. When you're camping, you have your own tent. DS indicated to me that he wanted to sleep in the garage. He's pretty uncomfortable with the sleeping arrangements, and it is difficult for him to see his dad sleeping with someone other than his mother.
X: Well, I'm waiting to get the permit so I can expand and make extra rooms. DS never told me about sleeping in the garage.
Me: Well, he may be afraid to tell you about sleeping in the garage. It is uncomfortable for him. Why can't GF spend 2 days out of 14 where her kids are living? I can't believe that SHE feels comfortable with her BF's kid in the same room.
X: Well, she's my GF.
Me: I've spoken with the GAL's office. The person I spoke with told me that the judge would not be happy about this situation.
X: That GAL is an IDIOT!! She never listened to me , and who is to say what is appropriate anyway? They have to call me and tell me. I have to know that it is THEM calling me.
Me: The person I spoke with said the JUDGE (a man) would not be happy about this. I really would prefer to keep this out of the court.
X: Yes, that gets expensive with the lawyers.
Me: Yes, and I know you don't want to go back to court. I would have to re-file this, and I'd rather try to work this out between you and me. DS has been making great strides in his maturation process lately... I really think he's learning the consequences of his actions. He is so sensitive to his environment; I don't want him slipping back into acting out the way he was last year (the fire setting and rages)... What is appropriate for you may not be appropriate for DS.
X: I don't want him going back to that either.
Me: This has been hard for him-- he's expressed to me that he thinks you don't have time for him, and that the situation with you and GF moving in together happened very suddenly.
X: It's been 2 years.
Me: No, not the divorce, but you and GF living together. That wasn't going on when we finalized our visitation agreement in August. The GAL's office said that until we resolve this, it would be best if DS slept at home, and you guys had day visits.
X: Oh, ok. You know, it's hard to do stuff in the winter. We can't go to the beach and junk.
Me: DS doesn't always NEED an event planned. He digs just hanging out, watching a DVD. One on one stuff.
Me: So what about this sleeping situation?
X: Do you have a buyer yet?
Me: Another open house is this weekend. What about this situation? The way it currently is, was not provided for in our agreement.
X: I'l get back to you. Not today, but tomorrow.
So, it was a fairly friendly interchange... he got a bit heated about the GAL, but when I said the JUDGE, he saw that it wasn't just some idiotic women who were telling him what to do. I'm proud of myself that I kept on track, and didn't get too stressed or tense. I think it went exceedingly well.
Yeah, it does have a Michael Jackson-esque "EWWWW" factor about it, eh?
If I were the GF, I'd be totally grossed out would feel really awkward, and would NOT sleep over if my BF's son were in the same room. But the fact that she DOES sleep over when DS is there in the same room just shows me how much of a sleaze she really is.
Plus, where are her 4 kids when she's at X's? My mom said she'd be LIVID if I was out "shacking up" with men while my kids were living at her house. It's just strange. I don't know if the grandparents have custody... sometimes the youngest kid (age 4) stays over with the GF... god knows where the father/s of these kids are.
My X doesn't have much along the lines of appropriate boundaries. I'm trying to teach DS boundaries, and X isn't helping much in that area.
Susie
first of all, i am not the best role model and i am trying not to be judgemental. I am curious, how often does DS sleep at your X's? If its one of these everyother weekend deals, why can't your X tell the GF to stay home so he can have some quality time with DS? Always put the childrens needs first.
IMHO...
C
DS had been staying at his dad's every other weekend, or about twice a month, until I found out about GF staying there (I found this out 2 days after Xmas '06). I asked X why can't GF stay at her mom's (or wherever) while DS is there. X sees it as me being "controlling", and supposedly it's my problem that his loser GF has "no place to go", although X told me that GF stays at her mother's house. It's an odd situation, and very fishy, if you ask me. X has been seeing GF for a couple of months, and I had no idea that she had moved in with him... I thought she was an occasional guest when DS wasn't there. I foolishly assumed this, because I wouldn't have a guy sleep over my house with my kids there, and I thought X wouldn't have people sleeping over with my kid there.
X NEVER puts the kids' needs first. For him, it's always about how HE can have fun first, and everyone else has to get on board with what he's doing. Like it is MY fault that he drives a junky truck. I have a 1998 SUV with over 100K miles on it. It's actually in X's name (it was purchased as the family car), and when my house sells, he gets the car, and I'll get something else. BUT-- X has 3 classic muscle cars, 2 of which are race cars, 2 trucks, and he operates a business where he has access to cars. He'd have a great car if he sold the muscle cars and the trucks, but that would cut into his fun, so...
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