X locking DS in house

Avatar for susieyippin
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2003
X locking DS in house
15
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 10:02am

This past Sunday, 10 y/o DS had a day visit with X. Around 2:00 p.m., DS calls my house. After a few minutes of talking with him, he tells me, "Dad isn't here." So I say, "Is X's GF there then?" DS: "Nope, no one is here." I said, "What? Dad wouldn't leave you alone, what's going on?" DS said, "No, he went to do some errands, and locked me in." !!!!!!!!!!!!

So I called X, who actually sounded MAD at ME. I said, "Uh, DS sounded a bit nervous-- are you there with him?" X says, "No, I'm getting my laundry. I'll be back at my place in a few minutes."

Holy crap. First off, DS has ADHD, and impulse control issues. He wasn't locked in a house, he was locked in a garage apartment. The only means of egress is a door that can be unlocked with a key-- from the inside and outside. The windows are covered with heavy-duty steel mesh. If there had been a fire, or an emergency, DS would not have been able to get out.

I spoke with DS's counselor about the incident this morning, and she was going to talk with DS in their session this morning, and she may have to report it to protective services. I told her that would be fine with me.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 5:25pm

I hear ya!


And ya know... ADHDers are very curious... and that's a good/bad thing (bad when left unsupervised).

Karen ~ wildlucky4me


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2007
Thu, 02-08-2007 - 8:54am

Susie,

I'm so sorry that your ds is having a rough time right now!! I'll be keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers today.

Taught him how to set a proper fire? Wow! That one floored me when I read it. One of my sons got "into" the whole pyro situation years ago. My x showed him which of the aerosol lubricants would turn into a major blow torch if you put a match to it!! Talk about me being ticked off, so I can understand the feelings that you went through at that time.

Selfishness is something that a lot of men have. I've seen it more in men than I have women. I think it comes from their deep insecurities, and it comes out that way. It doesn't excuse it, as adults, we have a conscious choice whether to be selfish or not, regardless of our internal issues.

I know how hard the phone calls to the court, and everyone else must have been for you!! The backlash from your x, hopefully will not come out onto your ds. Just remember, that you're doing the right thing, you're protecting your ds.

One of my sons, the same one that I mentioned above, was on AD's for a while. My x thinks that "mental illness", which depression is, has a huge stigma attached to it. When the meds began to work? He told my son to stop taking them, because he was "cured". Within days, a deeper depression set in, and he had to be taken to his counselor on an emergency basis. I was so upset with my x. The counselor called my x at work, he couldn't be "bothered" with helping me out with my son at the counselor's office, and the counselor just read the x off. Me? I feel that if the meds are working, and it truly seems as though they are for your ds, then they should be continued and used. I've been on AD's myself, and am on daily pain meds, and knowing how the meds help, not as a crutch, but as a beginning point, I cannot understand the thought process of people who choose to dump that help. Why would your x not want the best for your ds? You don't have to answer that one, it was rhetorical.

Just know that I'm here, and so is everyone else on this board!!

Take care,
Laurene

Avatar for susieyippin
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2003
Thu, 02-08-2007 - 10:05am

Hi Laurene,

Dang, it really sounds like we have the same X! DS's counselor has written off X as any type of constructive co-parent at this point... she'd spoken with X recently about how DS was concerned that he and his dad weren't getting enough alone time, what with X and his new GF and her kids always being around when DS was there. She said that X didn't see that it was a problem, because HE was moving on. I was joking with my massage therapist about how X probably came out of that conversation and said: "Well, the counselor said he needs more alone time". LOL She and I also agreed that DS is better off with the least amount of contact with X as possible. It's sad for DS, but he doesn't need this happening week after week.

Yeah, the meds are working beautifully for DS. He's on a low dose of Adderall XR; and takes melatonin in the evening. It has made a substantial difference in his behavior. The social workers saw DS both on and off his meds (X wouldn't give DS his meds, and the SWs saw just how out of control he was), and they strongly urged X to keep DS on the meds, 7 days a week, because DS's issues were more than just school-related. The thing is, X doesn't WANT DS on the meds, whether or not the meds are helping DS (but X has no problem self-medicating himself with booze.). We had tried DS on special diets, holistic intervention through my naturopathic physician, and the only thing that worked was the prescription meds. This, coupled with the teacher assessment reports, and with the help of the counselor and social workers, is working. Even X's ATTORNEY told him (his attorney spoke with me-- I guess X told him I was "doping DS up"-- I told him about the teacher assessments, etc., the other things we'd tried) to give DS his meds when he was with him. Well, X took that to mean ASK DS if he WANTED to take them. ::rolling eyes:: All the counselors were pi$$sed, and told X that it is the PARENT'S responsibility to tell the child when he has to take the meds, not give him a choice. Of course, we had to sit down and say to X that "the DOCTOR has prescribed these meds for a medical condition. You wouldn't deny a diabetic their insulin, would you?" Still to this day, if DS will be spending the night at X's, X will ask me, "Does DS get the meds in the a.m.? Do you WANT him to have them?" No, I don't WANT him to have them; but he NEEDS to take them. GRRR :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2007
Thu, 02-08-2007 - 10:23am

Susie,

It sounds as though your x is moving on, but not caring about how his actions, or in-actions are affecting your son. That's so sad!!

Knowing that you have involved the teachers, his atty, and all of the others you've gone to, it sounds as though you have a good support base for your ds.

It's awful when our x's issues, mine was manipulation and control, yours also being the x's drinking, come up and hurt our children. The one person who can teach these young men, mine are 22, 20, 18 and 13, to be men, aren't men themselves!! I cannot teach my sons how to grow into men, mainly because I was never a man!! I can teach them what I'd like to see in a man, but that's not the same.

It's so hard dealing with the problems/issues that come up with our kids, and then having to deal with a child in an adult body!!

Know that I'm thinking about you all today!!
Laurene

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2006
Thu, 02-08-2007 - 10:28pm

Susie,

my heart goes out to you! i cannot believe your EX LOCKED your DS in a garage apartment?!! that's awful! he should be locked up himself!

i can sooooo relate to the EX being in total denial about meds for these lovely bunchkin of ours. as you know, my twin DSs are over with their dad (it's an hourly struggle for me), and i took both DSs for wellness exams last week, but with the intent of getting DS1 help with ADHD, which he was pre-identified last year by his former physician, not to mention had been screened by two elementary school counselors and his 5th grade teacher.

now that he's in middle school, teachers are complaining again: he's inattentive, hyperactive, disrespectful, basically failing and acting out, like he's done before. well, because it's soooo difficult simply communicating with STBX, i sent an email saying that DS1 was on meds, which the school nurse would administer because i couldn't trust him to do so. he claimed he didn't know DS1 was on meds and vowed to get him off of what he called "addictive trash" and "an excuse cause you don't know what it is to be an 12-year-old child". and then he goes on to say "doctors don't know nothing, they just want to line their pockets, they misdiagnose children allll the time, especially minority children," and on and on, and proceeded to say i'm the one that needs counseling. THIS from man who lied, cheated on his wife, cut himself off from his sons completely last summer, didn't pay child support, has never paid any health benefits for his sons, and i could go on!!

i told him that the dispensement of the medication IS in the divorce decree and will NOT be removed, coupled with the need for counseling, which he also doesn't believe they need because it will label them forever, and i will ultimately end up damaging them forever!!

i have no idea what i did now because i want to ensure my son receives his medication. STBX idiot thinks he knows EVERYTHING by virtue he's a man, a man lower than a flea's belly!! and tells me constantly that "these next 3 years will be crucial," as a continued "scare" tactic for me allowing him to raise the boys -- i'm soooo torn, i just feel helpless!! on one hand, those boys really did give me heck as a SOLELY single mom for about 10 months last year, with lying, acting out, disrespect, constantly begging to go live with dad, school issues, etc.; then, i think, but i'm missing out on daily homework help, peeping in on them sleeping, what about when they're sick, want to talk each day, OH, and that's when my mind races and cuts to when skank GF moves in, which i know she will now that STBX got a house nearby. then, she'll get to do all that!

i'm going crazy, here!! my house is empty, but my heart is full, and it goes out to you.

you are a constant source of inspiration for me & my thoughts are with you!

hugs!!

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