A year has gone by and Im still the same

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
A year has gone by and Im still the same
2
Tue, 07-03-2007 - 12:11am
What the heck is wrong with me? Yesterday was exactly on year from the day STBX left and never came back. This has been the worst year of my life. I can't believe so much has happenned and yet it feels like only a month ago I was with him. I know it doesnt make sense, but every day has dragged on and on, yet the year itself flew by. To make matters worse there have been times when we have gotten along, not nearly as much time as the bad times though. I have dated guys since about Thanksgiving, yet he has too and has had the same gf since at least Christmas (yet he wanted to seperate to be single). This just still breaks my heart. It feels so recent that he made all the promises that he would always be there for me and coudl never want anyone else. Now he loves this girl already! I feel like crap. I do good for weeks on end, then Bam!...like atons of bricks. It really set it off this weekend (his bday was Saturday) and my kids insisted they did not want to meet his gf. Well he lied anyway and introduced them. I feel like the betrayal doesn't stop. It tore me apart that this girl (who has called my house and left me nsaty voicemails), cursed me out etc etc. Was doing my daughters hair and writing her notes to get her to talk to her. Then my MIL tells my daughter that she should meet STBX's Gf's daughter so they can all go on family trips together. WHAT! I was a wreck yesterday and took the meds the doc gave me, and it just took forever to kick in. Then to top it off he told me he would LEND me the money for the kids to start camp this week. Im stone broke until payday. He is hiding a job that pays well and has another job too. Why lend? Then...to make matters worse, he didnt bring it over like he promised. I have no on to take care of my kids and brought them to work with me for weeks after school. I would've been in trouble if I continued to do it. He iddnt want them staying with my mom, yet it is free and she does wonderful things for them. Why? because she lives too far and he wants me to drive 2 hours to get them so he can see them for 2 hours and then take them back. I tell him he took my car, the one I have now is crappy, I cant risk all the back and forth and if he gave me what he was supposed to in child support I could afford the camp. He says "not my problem" for everything. He complains about not getting to see the kids more (although thats the custody agreement), yet he doesn't want to keep them a minute past the amount. Calls me anxiously to find out where we'll meet. Even at his bday he ignored the kids (hadnt seen them in 2 weeks) and told my dd that he couldnt be rude to his gf. Hello! You're with her non-stop. Sorry to ramble...I just dont know why its not going away. He's probably gonna marry this girl and he doesnt even want to admit all the stuff she has done to our relationship so we cant even get along.


Edited 7/3/2007 12:16 am ET by harponi98
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2006
Tue, 07-03-2007 - 11:52am

Let it go, easier said than done but until you love yourself more and stand up to you ex, he will forever control your life. Doesn't seem fair that your children can't go to summer camp because he didn't pay yet they can't go to Grandma's house. Does he have sole physical custody of the children? People will only respect you if you respect yourself. Below is something I copied from a message board. It's long but has helped me on many a day. Remember, the pain you feel is not yours alone. You pray for me and I'll pray for you.

This is something that I received at work a few hours after hearing the Strawberry 23 letter. I think that it is appropriate and keeps in tune with Steve and Shirley's comment to Ms Detroit. I have a friend who is going through a similar situation and this really hit home. I ask that you please pass the following to Ms. Detroit for encouragement. Sorry for the lengthiness of it. True Wisdom Author Unknown A time comes in your life when you finally get it...When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out - ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world through new eyes. This is your awakening. You realize that it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that he is not Prince Charming and you are not Cinderella and that in the real world there aren't always fairytale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance. You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are ... and that's OK. (They are entitled to their own views and opinions.) You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that it's not always about you. And you begin to sift through all the crap you've been fed about how you should behave; how you should look and how much you should weigh; what you should wear and where you should shop; and what you should drive how and where you should live; and what you should do for a living; who you should sleep with, who you should marry, and what you should expect of a marriage; the importance of having and raising children; or what you owe your parents. You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive. And that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix. You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a by gone era but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life. You learn that you don't know everything, it's not your job to save the world and that you can't teach a pig to sing. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake. Then you learn about love. Romantic love and familial love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away. You learn not to project your needs or your feelings onto a relationship. You learn that you will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or important because of the man on your arm or the child that bears your name. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn that just as people grow and change so it is with love...and you learn that you don't have the right to demand love on your terms...just to make you happy. And, you learn that alone does not mean lonely... And you look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a perfect 10 and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head and agonizing over how you "stack up." You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect and you won't settle for less. And, you allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes you to glorify you with his touch...and in the process you internalize the meaning of self-respect. And you learn that your body really is your temple. And you begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water and taking more time to exercise. You learn that fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear. So you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play. You learn that for the most part, in life you get what you believe you deserve ... and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy. You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different from working toward making it happen. More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone and that it's OK to risk asking for help. You learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom. You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions you learn not to personalize things. You learn that God isn't punishing you or failing to answer your prayers. It's just life happening. And you learn to deal with evil in its most primal state-the ego. You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to building bridges instead of walls. You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about; a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower. Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and to make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never ever settle for less than your heart's desire. And you hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind. And you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility. Finally, with courage in your heart and with God by your side you take a stand, you take a deep breath and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Wed, 07-04-2007 - 8:57am

Oh I am so so so sorry!

This is just too much.

I am sorry he is such a JERK! Lending you the money my ***.

Is there anything in the custody agreement that says they can't go to your mom? If not then off to your mom they go. If he has right of first refusal then he can take care of them. Other than that -- to your mom.

I dread when the GF enters my kids' lives. I am hoping against hope I can really restrict her access and influence until there is some sort of long-term relationship between X and hypothetical GF.

I am so sorry you are having to deal with such yucky stuff.

We're here for you!

M