Yep....I did it! (literally)
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| Tue, 09-06-2005 - 5:32pm |
Well...I went out on a limb with my STBX. He keeps talking trash about wanting to get back together and that he loves me and I'm the best thing that has ever happened to him...blah blah blah So I tell him, fine, let's do this. We can get back together and try to rebuild what we once were. STBX has some kind of barrier holding him back that sounds a little like this: "Well, I want to make sure I'm 100% comfortable before we do that, can't we just date first?"
Well I was totally against it to start with, but I was thinking hey, if he wants to play games, I'll play. Emotionally, I'm to the point where I don't really care if we get back together or not because he kept me on this emotional rollercoaster for so long, I decided to just get off...LOL My heartache wasn't worth all the torment he was putting me through with his supposed "heartfelt confessions".
SOOOOOOOO, over the weekend, I went by KFC and picked up some food for us both and went by his new apartment. Needless to say, upon answering the door, he was "pleasantly" surprised to see me and was going on and on about how happy he was that I was there and so forth. Well, long story short, we talked for a little while and I told him that I was willing to follow his lead and that maybe it was best for us to "date". So we watched a movie...during/after the movie we kissed...and continued to kiss and you all know where it went from there. So afterwards I got my things and I left. Here's my plan, now that's his finger was dipped in the icing...so to speak and he's gotten a little taste of what he's been missing...I'm wondering if I treat him the way a lot of men treat women, that he'll eventually come around. I don't plan on calling him, emailing him, going over there again, basically ignoring him from this point on. If my plan works, then great, I WIN! If not, then I'll just know that he really doesn't want to get back together.
I guess I'm not really looking for advice on this one because I know there will be mixed feelings about it, but I'm just really tired of "my man" playing head games with me. I figured it was time to fight back and see what happens :)

Well Rose, I'm sorry to say that I couldn't keep up the game. I should have known better really. It all sounded good in the beginning and maybe it was a plot on my part to have that "closeness" that I so desparately missed. It took one reply from someone that made me wake up and realize that I was the one that wanted all this and not him. The reply said "If he really wanted to be with you, he would be". There is so much truth in that and I now realize that I was "chasing" something that just don't exist. I sent him one final email:
"""Before I start, please know that this email is not hateful in anyway. I’m speaking very brokenheartedly.
I wasn’t going to say anything at all and just walk away, but I’d rather you know instead of sitting back being confused and not knowing what’s going on (the way you have left me).
I thought I could handle seeing you and being around you again but, I’m back to square one and no better now than I was in the beginning. I cried myself to sleep last night, that’s why I wasn’t on the computer. You can’t possibly understand how I feel and I don’t understand what you’re feeling. All I know is that I want us back. That’s all I keep telling myself over and over. I’m tired of living out of a make shift closet, I’m tired of sleeping on the couch, I’m tired of clutching a pillow at night wishing it was you, I’m tired of laying there waiting for you to scoot next to me and cuddle. I miss cats running in and out between my legs, I miss you walking past me and grabbing my butt, I miss you coming up behind and hugging me, I miss watching movies with you, I miss laying my head on your chest.
There are just so many things that I want back. I can’t go around holding on to a thread of hope that has a knot tied in the middle. I love and miss you so much. If you could understand how I felt, then you would understand why I can’t just be around you for a few hours here and there. For a split moment, I almost felt whole again when I came to see you Monday, but when I had to leave, I left with such an empty feeling inside that I knew I couldn’t do it again.
I want you back more than you could know David. I ask that you please do not reply to this message, I don’t want anymore phone calls, I don’t want you to speak to me on the computer anymore. The next and only time I want to hear from you again, is when you call me to say you want me and TJ back as a family.
I love you (end)
I have made up my mind and refuse to continue crying over a man who simply doesn't know what he wants. It makes no sense to continue playing games when this is a marriage that's hanging in the balance. I saw someone that said silence is the best policy, so I intend to use that for my situation. If he never comes around, then I just have to accept that it's over.
You all are such great people and reading a lot of what has been said truly helps to get through the rough times. It's just really sad that we have to endure all of this especially when there are children involved. I wish you all the best of luck with everything