Yesterday was hard....wwyd with kids??

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Yesterday was hard....wwyd with kids??
10
Mon, 06-18-2007 - 4:24pm
STBX took the kids for the weekend, and I got them back last night. Our 4yo cried and screamed DADDY for almost 3 hours after I picked him up! Not to mention STBX had one heck of a time getting him to stay in his booster seat when he put him there. *sigh* When we got home DS ran to his room, slammed the door, and layed on his bed still crying and screaming...I just about couldn't handle it! I feel like such crap, like it's my fault he's going through this...and I really hope STBX feels like crap too.
Any ideas on how to make the transitions smoother? Maybe when we meet I should just take both kids, put them in the car, and leave, making the goodbyes as short as possible??
The real kicker was when I told DS 'I love you, goodnight' and he said 'NO! DADDY!'
This sucks. :(
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2007
Mon, 06-18-2007 - 9:11pm
Father's day was tough. I must say the up side of my son being so young (16 months) is that I don't have to hear the words you did. I 'm sorry, that must have been hard. When my son was dropped off today he was confused. He wanted to stay with me but kept looking at his dad. He stared as the car drove away. I don't know if transitions are ever easy. I guess it would help to have some mutual system. I am new to these boards so I don't know what happened in your marriage. I can't imagine doing anything right now save scrathing his eyes out for doing this to our family so I'm not one to give much advice. Hang in there, they say it get better.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2007
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 7:18am
I'm so sorry you have to go through this. At least he is showing his emotions. Granted, she is much older than your son, but I think it is good for him to get it out no matter what age. Its just so hard watching the kids go through this. Hopefully, things will settle down soon. Hugs to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2007
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 12:38pm
Have you tried validating his feelings? Can you try to tell him that you understand this is hard, but he is so lucky to have so many people who love him? Don't bribe. Maybe if you could tell him that not every little boy has two houses to live in. Ask him about his room at Daddy's. Do you have a pet that he could be responcible for at your home? Even a fish? That way he would have something to look forward to at your house.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 1:35pm
I do try talking to him afterwards. The problem here is that he has a very small vocabulary for a 4 year old, but I do understand him better than most people. So when he's crying I will ask him simple yes and no questions, like 'you miss daddy?' and I tell him I understand and that he will see daddy again soon.
I like the pet idea, but I'm not so sure it would work for him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2007
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 2:46pm
Pets are fun but because of his age I would go with a very low maintance pet. Fish, hammster, crab. Just remember, you will probably be taking care of it. It does give them a chance to love something that will not judge them or take sides.
Kids understand alot more than we give them credit for. Are there any kids around you that may be going thru the same thing?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 06-20-2007 - 11:34am

Just show him love and support.... and yes, make the transitions as short and plesant as possible... and when he screams "NO DADDY!" simply say, "yes, daddy loves you too!" and walk away.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Wed, 06-20-2007 - 2:05pm

Aura,


I'd really advise against getting a pet of any kind for your child right now. That's another whole layer of responsibility and expense you don't need. Any animal, even a fish, needs care and maintenance every day. I'd suggest, if possible, you get your children into counseling. They are too little to understand why you and your husband aren't together and so the only way they know how to express their fear, anger, and pain is by crying and sulking. A good counselor can help you, too, understand how to help them.


Best wishes,


CL-Wisdomtooth2020

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Wed, 06-20-2007 - 2:50pm
Thank you, I have been thinking about counseling for all of us. I was really hoping my 4yo would 'get over' leaving daddy sunday, but every day this week he's been bringing it up over and over. I hope he gets used to the new schedule soon.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
Wed, 06-20-2007 - 4:30pm
This may not be a popular thing to say, but I really don't think it's a good idea to minimize the devastation children feel when their parents separate. It isn't the same thing as mommy or daddy taking a child to the movies or some other activity without the other parent. To say that is really denial of the seriousness of the consequences of divorce on children, and it can be an extreme disservice to the kids for a couple of reasons. First, parents should take the devastation of their children into consideration when they are thinking about divorce and the possible pros and cons. Second, by denying the extent of the damage this can cause to kids (I agree that some kids handle it better than others, but you can't predict who those kids will be) can also cause parents to prepare children inadequately or not to get appropriate counseling and support for their children when it is necessary.
Separation/divorce isn't at all the same as parents planning individual activities with their children. The children certainly see that, and as the adults in the situation, we should also. I think everyone has guilt about divorcing when there are children in the marriage, no matter what the reason. But at least let's not address that guilt by telling ourselves that this really isn't any different than a day at the park with mommy or daddy, but not both. Separate is definitely not equal in the eyes of our children.
To the poster: your little boy is clearly devastated by the separation from his father. I know that must be tearing you up inside as his mother, and I really hope you seek counseling for yourself as well as your child to help you through this. I'm heartbroken for both you and your little boy that he is reacting with such distress, and you have my prayers that he can adjust and you can all recover from this terrible transition period. (((hugs)))

Cat 

Mom to 5: DS-17, DD-16, DD-11, DD-9, DS-7

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-21-2007
Thu, 06-21-2007 - 10:41am
Divorce and separation is hard on all that are invovled- especially the kids. I've been divorced 3 times in 15 years and I've had 5 kids total. Each time the divorce becomes harder because I always feel like I'm hurting my kids more and more. I tried therapy during my last divorce and it was worthwhile for both myself and my children. I also read a lot of self help books and browse the internet for stories and blogs from women just like myself. I found this website www.firstwivesworld.com which is dedicated to divorced and separated women just like us. Their stories and blogs have shown me that I'm not alone and there are tons of women out there who feel the same way that you and I do. I suggest you check it out for some inspirational gain.