You Can Make It, Just Believe

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
You Can Make It, Just Believe
4
Wed, 04-27-2005 - 4:24pm

I hope I can be of help as so many of you have been help to me when I thought I couldnt get through this:

It's been over a yr for me since the separation. And I've gone against all the things I believed in and felt horrible because of it. Loving someone can be so.... I truly lost myself in my ex and Im finally beginning to realize it really wasnt me, it was him.

I held on to hope of him changing all this time and he hasnt. So I began taking back all the power I gave him over me and it feels damn good. I gave this man my all even after all the betrayals, lies, cheating. I believed so deeply in him and he just continued to take from me and not give anything in return. On one of the other boards, a message was posted about when you know you have to "let go" is it something someone tells you, something the ex does, or a lightbulb goes on etc. No one can ever tell you "now you must let go" it has to happen when you become truly ready. It's easy for someone on the outside looking in to say he/she's a dog move on, get over it etc.

My ex got the "OW" pregnant that he cheated on me with (they have twin girls now) but he left her for a 20yr old he's dating now. His life is literally a mess right now. He has even lost his job now and always runs to me when he's in trouble and I didnt see he was still using for only his benefit, giving me the story that he still loves me, but it would'nt work right now etc.

He kept sending mixed signals. I never thought that someone you shared so much with could so easily take advantage of you knowing that you truly love them but it happens. It was what he did recently that gave me the "light bulb" to say to hell with this loser. Our son and his twin girls use the same formula. He asked me if he could "borrow" 5 cans of milk because he had no money at the time to buy milk for the girls and he was waiting for a check to clear the bank. Gave some story of why their mother couldnt do it. I know your cringing at the thought but again LOVE is strange.

I did it, rationalizing that the babies are innocent in his garbage he created. That was on Thursday evening. He promised to give the milk back on Saturday. When I reminded him Friday he said "I wont forget, how could I take milk for our son and not give it back". Well Sunday morning I had to call him, because he forgot, he said he would bring it Sunday afternoon, he never showed! Never even called! Monday morning he calls me at work saying he wants to apologize, I told him I dont want to talk about and said I have to go! He left me two messages later that evening about a car his cousin is selling b/c I've been looking to by a car. No mention of the milk. Who does that? I was mesmerized that he could do this.

Normally I would have let him have it when he called, going off about how wrong he was etc. For the 1st time I just said nothing b/c it's made no difference in the past when I went off telling him of the wrong things he's done. I just kept quiet. His b-day was Tuesday and I didnt even call. So Ive made two huge accomplishments for myself and I'm so happy. It is now Wednesday and not a word from him about the milk.

In your own time each of you will gain the strength you need to move on. Just pray take your time and have faith. It will happen. Take it from someone who had an enormous amount of trouble letting go. God Bless and Good Luck. It feels great to have some power again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Wed, 04-27-2005 - 8:09pm

Everything you have said is SO TRUE!


It's like an "AHA" moment. Once you realize you are in "control" and you can make decisions for YOU, that's when you start making things work. Arguing and bickering never solve anything.


Way to go! Hugs to you sweetie and thanks for letting us know :)


Angelena

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Thu, 04-28-2005 - 3:49am

you are so right! we all need to find that 'lightbulb' moment - where we know that no matter WHAT *we* do or say - its not going to make one iota of a difference because HE is on another planet and he is fine there, and he has NO intention of EVER changing.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 04-28-2005 - 10:23am

You've made an emotional crossover..... you're feeling the resolve that not being with him is better for you.


Neat feeling, isn't it?


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Thu, 04-28-2005 - 11:48am

You know it's funny because for so long I was terrified of letting go of the "us". Thinking that we were building a family so we had to make it work. I so didnt want to be another one of those broken families with different fathers for my child. But when I'm not with him, no contact at all I am more peaceful, even happy. Im not sure how to deal with that.

Its like part of me cant believe that when Im not with him I'm actually happy. I just always thought we would be together. It's weird because part of me still feels that we belong together, that we could heal each other but not with who he is now. And if nothing else I've learned people dont change because we want them to. I dont even know if he will ever change. Through all his life he's never known the stability and importance of a family being together so I cant even really blame him. He was bounced around so often. I feel sorry for him actually. I see so much pain in his eyes.

So Im just trying to understand all my feelings and deal with them as they come. I beginning to hope he does find his way and if Im not part of his life in an initmate way Im slowly starting to feel it just might be okay.