young and need some advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2008
young and need some advice
8
Mon, 05-19-2008 - 10:37pm

Hi everyone. I'm new to this whole message board deal, but I'm in need of some unbiased advice. I will try to be as concise as possible without leaving important details out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2008
Tue, 05-20-2008 - 10:46am
I give you a lot of credit for having the guts to leave your h. Do NOT put up with any abuse. I suggest you get in to counselling right away, for yourself. You and your son are your #1 priorities. An unbiased party will help you see things in a clearer light.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 05-20-2008 - 11:30am
I can imagine that a lot of people come back from Iraq w/ problems, if they didn't have them before.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2004
Tue, 05-20-2008 - 9:04pm

Hi! I haven't been on this board in ages...but I was looking around today on some of my old boards and saw you post.

First of all, I have SO much respect for military spouses. I dated a guy in the navy once. He was gone for three months at a time (on a sub) and during one of those times was when the USS Cole was bombed. That was it for me; I couldn't handle it.

Anyhow.....

First of all, being a statistic isn't so bad, it just depends on what group you're in. For example would you rather be one of the 2 out of 3 marriages to end in divorce OR a woman in an abusive relationship who, according to statistics, will leave her husband seven times before finally leaving? Just a bit of perspective I hope.

I got married at 22 (XH was 23). We got married when I was pregnant with our second child. My XH was/is also a pathological liar. It got to the point where I could deal with the big stuff, it was the little lies that bugged me. The times he lied for NO reason other than just to be lying. I too found out about a TON of stuff he had done before we were married or while we were broken up at one point. Big stuff. He also became VERY emotionally abusive and it did get physical at one point. The second time it happened I was done.

As everyone will tell you, you MUST ensure the safety of your baby and yourself. I know that so many are coming back from Iraq as a shell of the person they once were. It is truly devastating. And like you said, it isn't his fault. However, please don't let this logic lead you to excusing his behavior. It doesn't matter why he's behaving the way that he is because he does have a choice to make as far as getting help (although, I have heard that this option is lacking for many service men/women, but, I digress...still not ok!).

When I left it was easy. It was staying away that proved to be the most significant challenge. He would be so sweet and promise that he would get the help he needed, etc. He was suddenly doing nice things for me. He sent me a dozen roses at work. He'd NEVER done that before and it was huge because he's so CHEAP lol. Fortunately, when he did that I was still in the very angry phase, so it didn't do him any good. At the time I was six months pregnant with our third son. I was VERY sick, but working and going to school (I had hyperemasis (sp?) meaning I was sick 20-30 times per day and was hospitalized several times for severe dehydration). I knew that taking care of those boys by myself was going to be hard to say the least, but, really I'd been doing it on my own all along.

Fortunately, through all of this, I had an amazing therapist. She saved me so many times. Without her I don't know what would have happened. She helped me stay away from a toxic situation. I noticed you said that you've found out about some other lies too, but nothing very big. One thing my therapist helped me realize is that no lie is ok. No lie is 'little'. My XH used to lie about things like whether or not he went out to lunch that day (I only asked for checking account purposes). Seems harmless. However, I finally realized that by lying to me about it, he was telling me that he didn't feel I was worth it for him to be honest. Maybe it is a mental illness and he can't help it, but that is NOT my problem. I deserved better and so do YOU. One very important thing you've already figured out is that it isn't your H that you miss. You miss the man you'd hoped he would be. It took me a while to figure that out and I still struggle with it sometimes. I didn't miss my XH. I missed what I wanted for us. When we divorced all my hopes/dreams for our family were GONE. That was what was so devastating.

You may want to think about visiting the domestic abuse message board. The ladies over there were of great help and support to me. One thing they will tell you is that counseling as a couple most likely will do no good. He needs to get help on his own. He is going to have to really want to change. But, you also have to consider the fact that he may not change. I really believed that my leaving my XH would shock him into getting help and working to change. Boy was I wrong. He talked about getting help, but never seriously did anything about it.

I'm sorry I've rambled on so long here!!! It's just that your situation is very close to my heart. I was young and terrified. I'd never even lived alone! The emotional roller-coaster was horrible (being pregnant didn't help!). One day I hated him and the next it took everything I had not to call him and beg him to come home. More than once I'd be out somewhere and just burst into tears. It was horrible. I don't tell you that to scare you because if I had it to do over again I wouldn't change a single thing. Why? Because now I know how strong I really am and how much I am capable of. It made me a better person, a better mom, etc. Most importantly, I finally learned how to be OK on my own.

Jeez...there i go rambling again!! OK, last thing I'll say, I promise: right now is a time you need to take care of YOURSELF. Do not try to take care of him (helping him get into counseling, etc.as I was tempted to do on many occasions because I just wanted things to work out so badly). Get into individual counseling ASAP if for no other reason than just to have an unbiased third party to talk to. Taking care of you is the priority at this point. If mom isn't taking care of herself the result for the kids is never good.

I hope all of my rambling on and on has helped at least a little!!!

BTW: I am now a full-time student double majoring in Finance & Risk Management. I have a great GPA and overall, doing pretty well. It was HARD and still is at times, but I am doing it! My house isn't always clean and the boys don't have a home-cooked meal every night (tonight was frozen pizza lol), but we manage. No matter what happens, know that it IS possible to do it on your own (and in some ways pretty satisfying!).

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2008
Tue, 05-20-2008 - 10:26pm

Thank you all for your very insightful responses. I went back home today well before our counseling appointment in hopes of just spending some time together, whether or not we talked about the issues. He avoided me at all costs. So we get to our appointment, I'm angry and frustrated and let it all out. What was supposed to be an hour meeting turned into 2 hours.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2007
Wed, 05-21-2008 - 7:09pm

Hi lil,


I can say that some of the things you have written about your H are spot on with mine.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2008
Thu, 05-29-2008 - 2:31am

Hey Torn Apart -


Sorry it's taken me so long to respond.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2007
Fri, 05-30-2008 - 1:20pm

OMG, I am just so shocked and irritated about your C telling you that you should make it up to your H for him not going! What in the world is *that* about?!?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2008
Fri, 05-30-2008 - 11:24pm

I am new to this too...I just felt the need to connect with others in my situation and your story makes me feel connected. I am 27, I've been married for 3 years (anniversary was actually two days ago) My H and I have been together for 6 1/2 years. I guess you can say we have been together, although his heart