young and Separated
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young and Separated
| Sat, 02-04-2006 - 10:15am |
My husband and I separated last week and I'm having a really hard time. We have been together for 8 years and married for 8 months. He has been treating me very badly over the past few months, ignoring me and basically treating our dog better than me. I finally confronted him and asked him why he was acting this way and he said that he didn't love me anymore and was confused about what he wants in his life. He doesn't know if he wants to be married and said a separation would help him figure it out. After a lot of discussion, he made ME leave the house (b/c he said that he bought it before we ewre married so technically it's his...that really made me mad) and hasn't had any contact with me since I left last week. I just don't know what to do. I am dying to talk to him, he is my best friend. One of my friends thinks that he might be depressed and doesn't know how to handle it. He NEVER acted this way before we were married...he used to bring me flowers and take me places, then all of a sudden he stopped and started treating me so badly. Should I call him or wait for him to call me? I am also very frustrated at his parents....they have had no contact with me this entire week which blows my mind. I don't know who someone can just stop caring about a person who has been in their lives for 8 years. I guess I shouldn't be too confused on that subject considering their son had been ignoring me as well. Anyways, I am only 27 and would love some advice from people who have gone thorugh this b/c none of my friends have. How long do I have to wait to have contact....or should he be the one to make the first move?

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hi - i replied to you on the other board - i'm glad you came here. i hope that people can give you some good advice...
hugs
This may not be what you want to hear but if I were you, I'd just start building a life without him. When I was your age, my husband did the same thing. I was just as devastated and clung to the relationship. We ended up getting back together. It was rocky off and on after that and now at 39 with two children, he is divorcing me. Maybe your dh just can't handle the thought of permanent commitment. Before, he could always get out. I do think that is one of my husband's problems. He doesn't want to deal with "in sickness and in health etc." He only wants to be here when it is good and he wants the freedom to pursue others in case there is someone better. At any rate, you won't do yourself any favors trying to force this. The best thing you can do for yourself is more forward as if he isn't going to be in your life. If he decides to come back, you guys can go to counseling and work through what happened and you can decide if there is still a place for him in your life. If he doesn't, you will already have a life in place for yourself. Don't call him...give him the space he asked for (well took). I know how shocking this is...I went through the same thing at your age and after just getting married. It stinks. Take care of you.
Kimberly
Well, I often wish I had gotten divorced after 8 months. I feel that my husband was not prepared for the reality of marriage and wanted out almost immediately. I've had 13 crappy years of marriage. I have 2 beautiful daughters, so I can't turn back the clock.
You should consider counseling, and maybe he could be persuaded to go with you to help YOU get through this (this would be a sneaky way of helping him also). As for his parents, maybe they just have a misguided sense of loyalty...feel as though it is not appropriate to contact you, or maybe they are assuming things about you that arent true. At that stage, my husband would not have hesitated to blame me for a split in order to save face with his parents. I would write them a nice letter and tell them how you feel.
Susie
Hi there..... well, my first contact would be to an attorney!
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
Hi my situation is a lot like yours, except we have been together almost 9 years married almost 7 and we have two children. My soon to be ex hasn't called me or our children in 9 days. I feel the same way about calling hime but he got a new cell phone and i didn't have the number memorized yet so I ripped up the paper to help me in not calling him. Right now i am so angry at him for telling me how much he loves me and now he treats me like crap. Well feel free to email me at aderks@new.rr.com if you need a friend to talk to .
Angie
That's great that you are more focused on taking care of yourself. That's exactly what you should be doing.
As for you in-laws, I'm afraid there's nothing that can be done there. When a couple separates, the parents usually take sides. From their perspective, he's their primary responsibility, not you. Don't take it personnally. Rely on your own family and friends for support right now.
As for your husband, I'm guessing that, since you've been together for so long, he may have decided to get married because it seemed like the "right" thing to do or the logical next step, and not necessarily because he wanted to. Give him the time he asked for to figure out what he wants. If he doesn't want to be married to you, then he's just not the right person for you. Better to find out now . . .
Stay strong & good luck.
PS - I'm also 28 and have been separated for almost 2 weeks. The difference is that I initiated it. Still - you're not alone!
"he said that he bought it before we ewre married so technically it's his...that really made me mad"
That is untrue that it is "his" house. Most any court in the US would consider it joint marital property. I know you are in a lot of pain right now, but please see a lawyer to protect yourself. Most will give a free consultation.
As for being separated young, I know how you feel. I was separated for the first time at 29. We tried to get back together, but at 32, it's going to be final soon. I know it's hard to find peers going through the same thing when you divorce under 30. But don't worry, most divorcing women at any age understand your feelings, which is why this is a great place to come.
Also, are you getting counseling? It was SO helpful to me when I first separated.
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