Young Children??
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| Fri, 11-23-2007 - 9:21pm |
Hi.
STBX and I have been separated for 6 months now. I am just now beginning to see past my own hurt and disappointment to notice just how horribly this is affecting my son. We have 2, a 1yo and a 4yo. This pretty much hasn't affected the 1yo, considering we separated when he was just 9mo, he's such a happy baby. But our 4yo just seems to be going steadily down hill! His behavior is almost unbearable at times, throwing fits, not listening, and even yelling at me. He never used to be like this! I try my best to stay calm, punish him fairly, and talk to him once he's calmed down. I've asked him several times after these outburst why he's acting this way. And half the time he simply tells me 'daddy', or 'I want daddy', this just breaks my heart. So I reassure him he will be seeing daddy soon, and that daddy loves him...... Well, their dad takes them every other weekend, and feels that is the most he can handle, he rarely answers the phone when I call, or call back, so or son can at least hear his voice, and get that reassurance. I understand to a degree, because our son has a speech delay and really can't say much....but he just want's to hear daddy! But STBX says it's too difficult to talk to him on the phone, because DS doesn't talk back.....so he thinks it won't matter?? I don't know. He didn't even bother to call on Thanksgiving, but at least they're with him now for the weekend.
I'm so lost. My heart just breaks for my little boy, and I pray every day that I will know how to handle this and that he will start healing soon. Besides being supportive, and letting him know how loved he is.... what else can I do???

Really, not a darn thing! Sounds as if you are doing everything possible.
Maybe instill some expected behavior patterns and discipline for when he is with you. This is somehting that constantly needs to be worked on and enforced with any child that has 2 homes. Some adjust better than others.
Also some parents have similar parenting skills....the real difficulty is when there are no rules, or expectations in one household, and rules, chores, age appropriate expectations in the other household.
Consistency, whether the child likes it or not, makes them feel secure and safe.
Hang in there and just keep loving him like you do :-)
Aura,
I'd encourage you to seek counseling for yourself and your son. Do you have any benefits through a job or other insurance? If not, check the yellow pages for your community mental health center and call. Very often they offer services on a sliding fee scale or can point you to other resources.
Your son isn't capable of processing what's happened to your marriage. I'm sure your STBX doesn't understand how important he is to his child. And, he shouldn't expect his 4 year old child to behave like an adult. (But then, it sounds like your STBX isn't acting like one either!)
Reach out for help as this isn't a do it yourself project.
Best wishes and let us know how you're doing.
CL-Wisdomtooth2020
Hey there...
I agree with the counseling... it has helped my just turned 6 year old a great deal in the year he's been in there... in addition, after one night when my little guy missed his father, we came up with a list of things he could do when he misses his dad... I flat out told my son that missing his dad is a big hurt that Mommy can't fix, and that's when I asked him if we could think of things we could do to help him through it...they include... snuggling mommy (cause that makes everything feel better--according to Joey), try to call daddy and leave a message--let you son leave the message--he's old enough that you can teach him to say hi dad, its X, call me... (my xh works weird shifts and isn't always available)... draw daddy a picture.... make something for daddy... that sort of thing...
FWIW, my Joey would love to see his dad every two weeks--at least your children have some consistency there (which helps), even though I understand that the oldest one is still really getting used to it... My son has only seen his dad three this year... he came in January, July and October... that January visit was the first one since May of the year before, when he also managed to come visit in March... my xh did not want any holidays or visitation and moved from GA to New Orleans the week after the divorce was finalized...
Good Luck... all of the behaviors you described I've seen and btdt... you can help your son deal with this...
*hugs*
Julie
My son's ex took off with his son.
Yeah for the counseling! Also, good books are "Helping your children cope with divorce" and "The truth about children and divorce." Both have sections on pre-school age children.
Yes, tell him all about how much you both love him. Tell him again and again it isn't his fault; it is nothing he has done. Let him color pictures for Dad. Let him leave messages, as someone suggested. Continue to encourage Dad to call and to pick up the phone ...
There is a great program called "Rainbows" for children going through this. I know it accepts 5 yos--not sure about 4 yo. My two dd's love it!
Hugs!
M
My EX pulled the "it's too hard to see them" card when we first split up, and I just told him to get a grip, he was their dad, and he had a choice.... to be a part of their lives.... or not.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~