your friends after divorce
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your friends after divorce
| Fri, 07-20-2007 - 10:17am |
My husband and I are going to be separating. That's another thread, though.
I am wondering what everyone's experience has been as far as your friends go. We have two kids, 7 and 5. We have a great network of friends through our kids' school and the neighborhood. Most, if not all, of these friends are couples. Hardly anyone is divorced. I was wondering what will happen when we split up. Do you lose all of these social connections? Do people still let their kids come to your house to play? Do people avoid you? I guess I am especially wondering about the other moms that I know...will they still be friendly with me? Any input would be appreciated!

Keep in mind that it's awkward for them cuz they need to adjust too. Try not to badmouth the STBX in front of them. However, even then, some will cut and run. Others will stay. And you will make new friends too. It's a whirlwind of change, so just roll with it the best you can. I was a mess a year ago and now that this is almost over, I have my own life separate from my STBX's and it's really quite nice. I don't mind that I am missing some of the "friends" I used to have because they were clearly not that impt to me or they would still be here.
Keep this in mind too. You never know what's going on in their homes! I remember 15 years ago hearing that some friends were divorcing and thinking, wow, I'm sure glad that's not us! Then a few years ago when I heard the same thing, I thought, wow, that woman sure is lucky to dump that guy. I wish I were her!
I think you'll find this answer varies from person to person.
I found some friendships grow stronger as they wanted to be there for me. I focused much more on setting up playdates for my kids and making sure they didn't loose those connections.
Some friendships died on the vine. Those people might have pulled away for a million reasons.
I also found new friendships. Parents of my kids friends who wanted to reach out to my kids and reached out to me in turn.
Another poster talked about not badmouthing your former spouse. That will go a long way in maintaining friendships. Have a few close people to whom you can vent and express yourself. But my larger circle, particulalry those based on my kids' friends, I don't talk about him at all. I focus on what we h)ave in common, what the kids are up to and keeping the converations light. I think some people don't want to be dragged into the turmoil of a couple divorcing. I have been very careful about making sure my friends don't have to choose between us (for example I had one friend invite us over on a day the kids are with their dad. I told her that the kids are with him that day and if she wanted to have him over with them instead, she should give him a call. When she asked me if that would bother me I said not at all - they've been friends with him too for five years. I said "he and I are divorced - hot him and your family. I noticed after that she seemed much more comfortable around me.
Belle,
People's reactions will vary. People will take sides, so expect that to happen. It's their decision and unfortunately you can't predict who. In my experience, I noticed people whose own marriages weren't in such hot shape were quick to withdraw, right down to wives clinging to their husband's arms when I walked into a room.
CL-Wisdomtooth2020
Thanks for asking this question. I had a related question, but think I can respond to you and kinda answer my own question in the same post.
My experience has been that "our" friends have been incredibly supportive of me. I was worried about people pulling their children away from mine, but nope, ain't been so. Neighbors, in fact, have been more generous with playdates, etc.
It helps, in my case, that all "our" friends are really my friends -- I am the social one, the one that reaches out, the one that works at relationships. What these friends have done for *us* though is follow my lead which has been to tolerate my stbx at family occasions. I asked them to do this for my kids' sake -- he is still their dad and they want to love him and want him around.
So, my dear, generous friends just sucked it up while he came camping with all of us this past weekend! Wow! Now that is friendship because every last one of them wanted to pop him one, especially the guys!
And that was *my* question -- am I asking too much of my friends to put up with him? I think I really really pushed their tolerance this weekend and I won't do that again. But, I did warn them -- hey, he's gonna come to soccer games, swim meets, and other events -- he'll be around so we all gotta find a way to deal civilly with him *for the kids' sake.*
His few friends on the other hand ... I have communicated with them, but left it alone because I don't want to get between him and them. One family I truly love and I miss being in touch. I wish they had more courage to reach out to me. Sigh. His family is a question mark for me. I want to stay in touch because frankly they are going to be in my girls' lives and *they* aren't divorcing me, but I have to be careful because I don't want to say anything to them that might get back to him
So that is my feedback. Hope friends are truly friends to you and there isn't too much side-picking.
GL.
M