Are we using each other wrong reason

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Are we using each other wrong reason
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 4:09pm
I have known this guy for over a year now. It started off where I thought we were going out, he told me I was his girlfriend and he told our friend. After about 4 months we started sleeping together.Then all of a sudden, he told me we are not going out, things have changed, when I asked him if he does not love me anymore, he said, have I ever told you I do, he has told me a few times, this is confusing me.when I told him that, he said he jsut said it to make me feel good.Now he keeps calling me asking me to come over, he has never got money because he ( I have only found out recently )he does drugs, when I aske him, he said he is done with all that and trying to go straight.

How things are now is that he said we must just be good friends, we see each other every single day, we take it in turns to cook and really enjoy each others company. There are no other girls at all in his life, and he says he misses me when I'm not around and when I am, he gets so confused.We are still sleeping with each other. Now today he asks me if I feel comfortable with the way things are, he says he knows I love him and want him to commit to me and make me feel secure, and he said he's a nice guy, arrogant lol - what does he want. I feel he is just using me for sex and he has been honest in telling me he does not love me, but then he tells me he does, like today as I closed the door, he shouted " I Love You Baby" he's 40 something, what does he want. Please help
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 4:06pm
It sounds like he wants to be "young" again and play around. First of all you need to STOP sleeping with him! Set some boundaries for yourself, let him now your rules and then stick by them! I would not spend so much time with him. STOP wasting YOUR time on this guy and find someone that REALLY will respect you! Might be difficult at first but in time you will thank yourself for doing so.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Mon, 04-21-2003 - 5:09pm
The poster never mentioned how old she is. 10-1 (I am a betting gal) says that she is in her early to mid 20s.

If this is the case and he is in his 40s he is obviously trying to feel younger (can you say mid-life crisis). It is apparent that he does not want to have an extremely serious relationship with you. My advice to the poster is to just have fun take it for what it is (and is not) and get on with your life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2000
Tue, 04-22-2003 - 12:44am
He's got a good thing going, why would he want anything to change? I think you've already got this figured out, he's using you for sex, and if he's a druggie, you're taking a chance having sex with him. Challenge yourself here - you CAN do better than this guy, can't you? You deserve better than the crumbs he gives you, right? Tell him you aren't sleeping with him anymore, that you agree to do as he suggested and just be friends. I think you have all you're ever going to have with him, a casual sleeping partner who can be good company when it suits his purposes.



iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2003
Mon, 06-09-2003 - 9:06pm
Hi Carol,

That depends on what you want in this relationship. If just a casual sexual partner.

And you both are in an agreement with thats fine. But Sounds like you want a commitment

from him.Sounds like he is getting what he wants already. Set your standards and what you

want and stick to it. I know its hard. But you will feel better about yourself. And

And the relationship No matter which way it goes.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2003
Wed, 06-11-2003 - 4:46pm
Yes, I have to agree with the others. He wants sex, and he's happy because he's getting what he wants.

After reading your post twice, I think that he is definately using you for what you can give, companionship, etc. I wouldn't believe that he's off drugs, either. Believe me, I've dealt with many drug users and they always say they're quitting, even if they have no intentions of doing so. What are his friends like?

If you have feelings of love for this man, you should not see him at all and get over him. But if you just want sex and companionship like he does and are happy with things the way they are, stay. But don't expect him to ever change his feelings. He's getting all that he wants now...why would he change?

My opinion: move on, esp if you're young and want someone to love and be loved.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2003
Wed, 08-13-2003 - 4:18am
Gee, sista, sounds like a rough situation. Just off hand I would say forget all about that guy, he sounds like a punk. But I've been telling people about this cool article I read about relationship types at this online magazine that I know, because I found it really informative. Maybe it could help you out, but I would recommend it to anyone just because it was do darn interesting! Check it out:

Best wishes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 7:35am
You must understand and accept that some men will say and do just enough to get you to continue sleeping with them, and if you are vulnerable and lonely enough, you will hang onto every crumb, analyzing and rehashing in an attempt to convince yourself that "he cares," and that he is not using you for sex. Listen to your gut! After being with him, do you experience a "sinking feeling" in your stomach? That is your gut, your intuition, your "God voice" telling you that this is wrong for you and is hurting you.

You need to focus on his BEHAVIOR...not his WORDS. If the only attention he gives you centers around having sex, then that is the only reason you are in his life. I recently ended a 4-month "fling" (although I'd have never called it that at the time because I don't HAVE flings) with a former high school classmate who contacted me via Looking back, I can see that my gut was talking to me right from the start because this man and I were only casual acquaintances in HS...why the sudden interest in "getting together" after 30 years?

I found out in short order that he was still married, living under the same roof with his wife, yet "emotionally" and even physically divorced because they lived separate lives and had separate bedrooms. I was lonely, vulnerable, and on the rebound from a hurtful breakup, so I ignored my intuition and convinced myself that he WAS sincere when he said he was "very much in love with me" (after 2 months), and that he was "working on a solution" to his situation, but "these things take time." (I conveniently ignored the fact that he'd mentioned that his "situation" had been the same for 3 YEARS). At the end of 4 months, he was seeing me once/week, on Fri. nights, when he'd come over around 9 (after a football game, his sons's hockey game, etc.)and take me out for an hour or so to make it look good so that I wouldn't complain that it was all about sex. And for the 2-3 hours or so it WOULD BE all about sex, and then he'd leave to go home...each and every time. And my stomach would sink.....until it got to the point where my stomach was in a perpetual state of "sinking" and I decided to LISTEN to what it was telling me.

I ended it, and even though I still miss him, I missed MYSELF more..the self I lost each and every time I watched him walk out the door, leaving me feeling used and degraded.

Pay attention to your stomach, and "listen" to your's always right. We get in trouble when we ignore it by replacing it with fantasies and convincing rationalizations.

Good luck.