Cheated on and feeling like I am being disciplined for it

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2012
Cheated on and feeling like I am being disciplined for it
11
Tue, 04-08-2014 - 8:06am

Im not sure if Ive written about this before, but if I have please forgive me. So much more has come to head in the past wk....

I have(had) been dating this man for a year. When we first started dating he did exactly what every woman wants, tells me everything I want to hear. Im beautiful, Im perfect, cant believe I met you. The relationship was off to a great start. He told me he didn't drink, didnt use drugs, was easy to get along with. But as things progressed, I saw the other side of him. He did drink, and when he did he was very angry, he did like to use drugs, and he had the worst temper. I was walking on eggshells most of our relationship. There was no talking to him about anything unless it was about how beautiful the day was & about how wonderful he was at everything he did. He loved his ego stroked, and he did it often. He used others constantly & wasn't afraid to jump from one friend to another to get what he needed. Including me. He seemed to only come around me when he needed me, when something else was more important (like his truck) he was there. He jumped at the opportunity to go hang out with his friends & leave me eventho we didn't see much of eachother during the week. On more than one occassion I caught him talking dirty to girls thru text which he said was "innocent" and I also found that he was answering craigslist ads, tho he said he had no intention of ever following thru with anything. I, like the idiot, stuck with him. I felt like there was something holding me to him, like he was my drug. Whenever there was an argument, instead of talking about it, he would just get up & leave, and sometimes not talk to me for days. Of course, everything was always my fault, I was always the cause for everything. Most recently, just last wk, a co-worker of his ( & FRIEND) contacted me via txt, and told me that I was better off without him. I asked him why & if there was something I needed to know. He was hesitant, but asked me how many women I thought he was with during our relationship. I was like, ummm, none I thought. He said, 6, as far as I know. I was dumbfounded. I knew that he liked to flirt, but I honestly didn't think he was screwing around. So when I confronted him about it, which had to be thru text, cause he wouldn't meet me anywhere. He at first denied it, then when I told him my source, he has since talked to me. He has blocked me thru facebook and won't answer any of my texts. Its like I did something bad here. I feel lke I'm being disciplined for it. I just want answers as to why he would do such a thing. But I guess I should know that will never happen.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-1999

Hello,

I'm sorry to hear you are in this situation. I will tell you this: have respect for yourself and kick this guy to the curb. Why would you let someone treat you this way? He lured you in, you took the bait, and then he told you lie after lie. It doesn't matter WHY he would do such a thing. Don't waste your time on this looser. Walk away and don't look back. Find someone who will cherish you. He is out there.  Read your own post and pretend you don't know this woman. What would you say to her? If his words and actions so far have not made you leave....what will??? How much will you take??

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

What do you really expect from this guy?  You know he's a liar, a cheat, has an anger problem, etc.--in short, he's not a nice person.  Do you think that he will come up with some psychological explanation or confess that everything was his fault?  I assume he would not--if he did come up with any explanation at all, he'd probably blame this on you too--since you said everything was always your fault.  This should just be another reason for you to be glad this relationship is over and really, you should just never bother contacting this jerk again.  Just get him out of your life and turn your efforts to finding someone better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009

Disciplined?  No, you're being rewarded for calling his bluff, and getting him out of your life.  As another reply said, you need to learn to respect yourself........if you DID respect yourself, you would never have stayed with this guy for a year, and allowed him to continue to abuse you.  And yes, it WAS abuse, mental and emotional, and lucky for you it hadn't escalated to physical abuse!  It would have eventually become physical.  Like so many women, you felt that your "love" would be enough for him, and he would mend his evil ways........and that will never happen.  This man will go to his grave being miserable nasty, and treating women like garbage.  HE has a problem, but like so many people with emotional/mental problems, they feel the world is mistreating them, and they take it out on anyone who is close to them, and who can't fight back.  That was you......and now you're out of it.  Be prepared for him to come "crawling" back at some point........and do NOT fall for his lies.  He will tell you he loves you, and he misses you, and he needs you in his life.  What he needs you for is a whipping boy........and do NOT allow him back into your life,  It will never change.  Be strong, and realize you are a good person, and you deserve to be loved and respected by a GOOD man, not a piece of garbage like this one. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2014

I will not talk bad about your boyfriend cause only you know what type of person he is, but you don't seem happy or satisfied in the outcome of this relationship.  His friend shouldn't have interfered in telling you information you already knew in your mind was a possibility of cheating.  You took your time and gave this realtionship a chance to work out between you and him.  It is his loss, not yours. I'm sure you have good memories of this relationship that you are focusing on but don't let the bad issues of it place blame on your heart. He's not reaching out to you in the way you want and its a sign he does not care.  I have alot of guy friends and avoiding contact with you is definitely a big sign he does want to be bothered with you.  With men, you usually know what they want from you. Friend, girlfriend, bc, enemy.  Don't beyond the scope of  how he feels about you. Only you know what title you are to him. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2014

Hi Csmithrn28, you said~ I just want answers as to why he would do such a thing. But I guess I should know that will never happen. He has basically wrote you off, blocked you and went No Contact after you found out the truth. Nothing he can say will ever be enough of an answer for you. Even if he tried to give you closure and explain himself do you think he'll be honest with you? Thinking long and hard do you think it even matters at this point? He showed you the type of man he was and you chose to continue to deal with his bullsh@t. He did you a favor and although you are hurting this is the best possible outcome you could of had. You shouldn't have to walk on egg shells for anyone and you should be treated like the Queen that you are. Don't accept anything less and since you did, he treated the way you allowed him to. I hope you never have to deal with him again. Its his loss...keep it moving and know this is a blessing in disguise.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009

You want to know why he did this?  Let's see.........how about he's a liar?  Or how about he's a cheater and always has been.  How about he's insecure and he needs his ego stroked........because he know's he's lower than a snake's belly.  Any new ego stroker is music to his ears.  Insecure men feel really great when a new woman thinks they're hot stuff.  Just as he did with you when you first met.  Eventually, he'll cheat on the new one, and the one after that, and so on.  Hopefully, most women won't give him a year of their life, especially when he gets verbally and emotionally abusive.  Most women will find the door very quickly.  You gave him a year of your life......and you should be celebrating the fact that he's gone, and NEVER communicate with him again.  You don't need answers, you need to learn to love yourself, and never allow anyone to treat you badly again.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010

  First why is this other guy telling?  You need to develop cunning.  The first thing to examine is the motavation for telling you there is a payoff for the tattletale. 

2nd  treat this (the one you have a relationship with) as a Booty call.  That is what he is useful for.

3rd  There could be a disconnect from what  the BF told you he was and how your mind and emotions interperted his words. 

The answer to your question is simple: because he wanted to.

  lover

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2002

Men do this type of thing to women all the time, and the reason why is because women put up with it.  The real question you should be asking is why you allowed him to treat you the way he did?  Empower yourself so that you don't fall for these types of men in the future.  You want to know why he would do such a thing, because he could.  It's called free will, and unfortunately, there are people who are only out for themselves and what they can get (otherwise known as sociopaths).  Be grateful that you only had to deal with him for a year and not 20.

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

.  -Albert Einstein

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2008
Girl: Am I pretty? Boy:No Girl: Do u even want to be with me forever? Boy: No Girl: Do u even like me? Boy: No Girl: Would u cry if i walked away? Boy: No She heard enough and was hurt... She walked away with tears in her eyes The boy grabbed her arm Boy: Your not pretty...your beautiful Boy: I dont want to be with u forever...I need to be with u forever Boy: I dont like u...I love u Boy: I wouldn't cry if u walked away......I would die if u walked away. Boy Whispers: Plz stay with me Girl: I will... *Tonight at midnight your true love will realize she/he loves u *Something good will happen to u at 1-4pm *Tomorrow it could be anywhere!!! *Get ready for the shock of your life! *If u dont post this to 5 other comments... You will have back luck in relationships for the next 10 years
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2008

What Fissatore said times a million!!!!! We cant change other people and how they behave but we do have control over ourselves and how we allow people to treat us. Use that power that you have to take back your life and turn some of that energy on you. What about you and your happiness? Think about you for a change.. Its going to take some time and its going to be hard but you will get there.

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