conviencing my daughter her ex is dangerous

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2010
conviencing my daughter her ex is dangerous
6
Thu, 01-10-2013 - 5:23pm

Short version, long story! My daughter has ended a year long relationship with a man who, unknow to her the first 2 months they dated, was married.  When he admitted to having a wife, he told her his wife was having an affair and they were in the middle of a divorce, non of which was true. When my daughter tried to get him to move from their apartment they got in a fight in which she broke a speaker of his. The police were called by a nieghbor that heard a man yelling, upon their arrival she was arrested since she had broke the speaker.  She was arrested on a domestic violence charge!!  A protective order was put against her since he was the victim.  He worked very hard to get it removed and did, but now he will not leave her alone and the DV charge is still against her.  He has gone crazy as she does not want to date him anymore.  He got into her cell phone account and found everybody she was talking to, if he could not figure out who they were using on-line searches he actually called the numbers seeing if they were female or males   Fast forward, she went on a date, last night.  And as she left the show they were at, he drove by, he had got into her e-mail and saw her online ticket purchase so he knew where she was going.  She told her date the whole story and about that time her dates cell phone is blown up with calls, texts and messages from the ex.  The date is so freaked out he decides he should stay at my daughters house just in case crazy comes by, and he does.  He shows up (he had her address even though we moved her to a new apartment because he is the victim in the DV case) pounds on the door threatening to call the police and have her arrested again if she does not answer!!  Anyway, crazy right? My daughter does not see how dangerous this man can be.  I have 45 text messages to me in a 24 hours period from him, one saying "he cannot be without her"  REALLY!!  Sorry for the vent, I am just so upset.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2010
Tue, 01-15-2013 - 1:37pm
You are correct, she has to choose to do something about it, my being worried in not enought to convience he! Wow I did not know you can put spy program on a computer. My daughter in law and I were just talking yesterday that he claims he was able to find the dates cell phone number on-line, that is was easy. I tried and could not do it, DIL and I figured he still had access to her AT&T account even though she said she changed her password. We actually thought he may have put himself on her account when he did know the password. I will let her know to change the passwords again. In the mean time, DD claims she talked to him and he has agreed to stop, will see how that goes:)
Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001
Sun, 01-13-2013 - 3:36am

You're hands are pretty tied as long as your daughter doesn't see this as concerning.  She's the one who has to take action.  Would she be willing to call a DV hotline to describe what's going on and get their thoughts?  Would she post her situation on the Recognizing & Dealing with Domestic Abuse board to get the opinions of those who have been or are in DV situations (this will likely result in many women telling her stories very similar and how the situations escalated)?  Are you close enough to her location to see her frequently?  (if she's long distance I wonder I she's more concerned than she wants you to think?)  She can also file a No Contact order against him.  This order isn't about violence or fear, you only need demonstrate you've made it clear you do not want contact, but the person continues to contact you.  (emails/text messages are acceptable for showing continuing contact, and if the texts are frequent, threatening or otherwise weird, will underscore the problem to the court) Obviously, an order won't actually keep him from contact, but it will document the issue and help her stop him should it continue.

It sounds like he continues to gain access to her private information, has she changed all her passwords?  If she has, then it's pretty clear he's put a spy program on her computer and continues to be updated on her new passwords.  If that's the case, she needs to get some help to rid her computer of the program.  Until she gets her computer scanned and cleaned (usual virus protection programs won't pick it up) she shouldn't use it, she should use another computer to change her passwords and to seek help in finding and ridding her computer of it.  Let me know if she needs more information on where to go for help finding and deleting those programs.


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2012
Fri, 01-11-2013 - 12:52pm

Kaydee,

You might also give her the number to the Domestic Violence Hotline, 1-800-799-SAFE . Please also check out our Crisis Information & Community Website. http://www.ivillage.com/forums/love-sex/crisis-resources/recognizing-dea...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 01-10-2013 - 7:14pm

I would also suggest going to the police and showing them all the texts from him.  You might also call a DV hotline and see if they have any advice.  Now to show how illogical he is, how could he call the police on her when he is at her place?  She should have called the police immediately saying that he was trying to get into her house, esp. since she had another guy there as a witness.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Thu, 01-10-2013 - 6:16pm

  This shows what happens when we allow the legislature to go hog wild.  With the domestic Violence on she has a less strong position.  I suggest a atty's advice for your state.  Each state has different laws and until the chage is dealt with it will be difficult. 

chaika

Community Leader
Registered: 10-22-2001
Thu, 01-10-2013 - 5:56pm

~hugs~

This is scarey and he is "Dangerous", he knows how to "Manipulate" the system to his advantage...

Make sure you document everything...Call the police...make Reports...under no circumstances should she meet him and definitely never alone...:(...

He also cannot be contacting her or showing up at her new address.

If you can establish a Pattern of "Stalking" that is of the utmost importance.

I have dealt with an ex who did not know the meaning of No Contact!

Make sure she does make the police and courts aware of what he is doing to her her family and friends.

My heart goes out to you...

Others might be able to help, I know exactly how terrifying it can be...

<3

Nightangel