Could I still love him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2014
Could I still love him?
7
Sat, 04-19-2014 - 5:47pm

Okay, this is going to be long. And some people might think I sound crazy! I met my ex husband when I was maybe four years old and had a crush on him as a kid.  Then I moved away and  only saw him once in a while. My family moved back when I was in junior high and he was in high school.  We started dating and dated on and off even after he graduated high school and was in college.  I know he loved me, but when we broke up he would be kind of stalker-ish and could get a little physically abusive. When we were together, everything was fine. I moved away after high school, but moved back a few years later, and we got back together, got married, had a baby, and were supposed to grow old together. But he got more and more physically and emotionaly abusive. I don't like to think of myself as an abused, but when I look at it objectively, I know that I'm lucky to be alive. He'd also tell me to kill myself, and called me "it", cheated on me multiple times and told me it was my fault b/c I was fat. I finally got up the nerve to leave him and I divorced him.  We got back together several times, but it was always the same thing. But ever since I told him it was over for good, I've been trying to move on and can't seem to do so.  I've dated a few people, but I have really low self esteem, so I tend to decide for the man the he doesn't want anything to do with me. Anyway, even while he was married, he'd still tell me that he loved me, or he'd find an excuse to stop by, or he'd call late at night. And as if the rest weren't all bad enough, he's now in prison for having sex with his teenage step-daughter. I was so disgusted when he told me what happened (I found out by CPS calling me and telling me to not let our son visit his dad and to file with the court to have his visitation taken away). I basically stopped talking to him and did get his visitation revoked. He's been in prison for a year and of course I don't visit or write. I think I wrote once just to tell him how disgusting he is. He randomly sends me letters telling me how sorry he is and saying that he hopes I can forgive him and that we can work on us when he gets out. I throw the letters away after I read them. He also tells me that he's a Christian again and that he's working on that relationship, too. I really thought I was over him until the other day, just out of the blue, he crossed my mind and I thought Oh my gosh, what if I still love him?  I mean, that's crazy, right?  But the more I think about it, the more I'm afraid that he's my soulmate (I've always thought soulmate was just something made up until now) and I can never move on from him because I'm supposed to be with him.  But that's just crazy talk, right?  I mean, how could I possibly love this man? But what if I can never move on and I end up alone for the rest of my life? Or, worse yet, what if I end up with someone with whom I am not in love? I just mentioned this to one of my closest friends the other day and she freaked out and told me that I had better not even think about getting back with him.  I know she's right, but the truth is that I have thought about it. But that's crazy, right?  Maybe I am destined to be alone for the rest of my life, but that's better than being with this guy again, right?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2014
Sat, 04-19-2014 - 7:30pm

 Obviously he's going through a rough time and he's trying to straighten out his life for the better.  You are not crazy but you do need to put your priorities in order.  You need to validate yourself, not look for that validation from others.  Maybe it will come a point in time when you and him could reconcile if it's meant to happen.  I have thought about my exes but in a way that i hope they are doing fine and are happy and settled in their lives, not to daydream about what if we were together still.  Obviously we broke up for a reason and it didn't work out.  Press on towards to the life you have while it's still here.  Too many men out there for you to "hold" onto one man that has issues of his own.  If you want to be a friend to him, I don't see a problem with that.  Prison is hard a person's mind so keeping some communication with him is fine but keep it on a friendship level.  Write him once in awhile to let him know you receive his letters and you hope he continues to trust God in his path towards Christianity.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sat, 04-19-2014 - 11:34pm

The man is a sex offender, and I can't imagine you even thinking about being with him again!  It's too bad you didn't see what he was when you were kids and he stalked you if you split up.  THAT is a sick person, he was then, and he still is!  He destroyed your self esteem, and it's up to you to get it back. You shouldn't be dating anyone until you DO get your self esteem back.  Anyone that's attracted to you right now will the the same as he is/was.  Men can sense when a woman is weak and beaten down, and that's the kind you will attract.  You have a fear of being alone, because you have no confidence in yourself.  Work on yourself.  Take care of your self and your son.  Concentrate on him for now......and on being a good Mother.  Do something you've always wanted to do.  If you're not working, get a job.  Get out in public.  Go to a gym.  Take some college classes.  Do things that make YOU feel better.  And while you're doing that, you could possibly meet a good man......but your life doesn't depend on having a man in it.  Keep telling yourself that you're an attractive intelligent woman, and you can deal with life on your own. 

Also, if he writes you letters, do NOT read them, mark them "return to sender",  give them back to the mailman, and eventually he'll get idea and stop writing to you.  He sudenly became a "christian"?  Sure, that's what most inmates do......it looks good when they go before the parole board.  The man is a convicted sex offender, and will be that until the day he dies......you don't need or want him in your life! 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2013
Sun, 04-20-2014 - 10:17am
I know talking is easier and you only know the pain...But i will ask you to take your mind off this relationship problems and wear a positive midset and Try to advance in your carrier or improving you financial positions.The rest will fall in place as Time goes.Time is a good healer.I know implementing this is hard but i am sure it will be more helpful for your situation.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 04-20-2014 - 11:30am

Yes, being alone for the rest of your life would be one thousand times better than being with someone who abuses you physically and mentally.  This guy is a sociopath.  I can't say whether or not he has found God, but it's very convenient that it only happened while he's in jail.  Even if he is sincere, let him follow his path and you follow yours.  In no way should you ever communicate with him.  He really did a number on your self esteem.  Part of the plan of the abuser is to tell you that if you leave him, no one else will ever love you again--he was your only chance.  Of course that is not true.  But you will continue to attract loser guys while you feel that you aren't worthy of love.  Your job right now should be to go to therapy and try to regain your self esteem and confidence and not date until you are in a better place.  Once you can accept the fact that you can be fine on your own, then you will attract better men.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2014
Sun, 04-20-2014 - 4:36pm

Thanks you guys.  I think I was having a moment of weakness. I am not going to reply to his letters. I am not going to consider getting back together with him. If I'm alone, I'm alone.  I think probably a big part of why I'm alone right now is because I am a good mom and I am pretty much always home when I'm not at work. I do work full time and a little extra when the hours are available. I have a good career.  I am financially stable. I support my son and myself with no help from my ex or the government.  I own my home and drive a newer model car.  I actually make way more money than he did. I have a college degree and I'm working on getting an advanced degree, so I do stay pretty busy, but I'm home with my son every day after work, go out maybe two or three times a year if I'm lucky.I garden, I play with my son, we have pets.  I make a home-cooked dinner pretty much every night.  I'm at nearly every sporting and school event. We go to the park, zoo, museums, take vacations, etc.  I think maybe I gave the impression that in general I'm kind of a lonely loser. That's not accurate.  I'm actually normally really strong and fine with being alone because it's my choice to spend time with my son rather than being out trying to meet someone else.  I think maybe I just got overly tired or something and started feeling sentimental.  But I appreciate the feedback and the reiteration that I should not be with him!

Avatar for lizmvr
Community Leader
Registered: 06-06-2001
Wed, 04-23-2014 - 7:17pm

Thanks for setting the record straight about what you do with your time, your accomplishments, and how good of a mom you are--I hoped that help you to reaffirm yourself, too. You deserve happy times with your son, your pets, your friends, etc. way more than you deserve a convict. 

Liz


Clinical Research Associate


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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2008
Wed, 05-14-2014 - 10:02pm

Girl: Am I pretty? Boy:No Girl: Do u even want to be with me forever? Boy: No Girl: Do u even like me? Boy: No Girl: Would u cry if i walked away? Boy: No She heard enough and was hurt... She walked away with tears in her eyes The boy grabbed her arm Boy: Your not pretty...your beautiful Boy: I dont want to be with u forever...I need to be with u forever Boy: I dont like u...I love u Boy: I wouldn't cry if u walked away......I would die if u walked away. Boy Whispers: Plz stay with me Girl: I will... *Tonight at midnight your true love will realize she/he loves u *Something good will happen to u at 1-4pm *Tomorrow it could be anywhere!!! *Get ready for the shock of your life! *If u dont post this to 5 other comments... You will have back luck in relationships for the next 10 years