Discouraged

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2013
Discouraged
2
Fri, 10-25-2013 - 2:53pm

I have been dating this guy for a year now and he came on very strong in the beginning (the perfect too good to be true). 3 months in red flags came up but I chose to ignore because I loved him and thought I could change him. My friends, family and mom deplore him! He would call several times a day wanting to know where I am and who I was with. I am a sales rep and travel a good bit and he started accusing me of cheating. He would constantly check my phone and would go into a rage if I put a code on it. He is verbally abusive to me and anytime we have a conversation he is always right! Each day was an emotional roller coaster with him and I lost myself to the point my friends said they didn't know who I was anymore. A week ago I cut him out of my life because I found out he had been seeing another woman. Even though he's gone I feel like he still has control over me and my feelings. I can't understand how a person could treat someone this way as I always try to see the good in people. There is a huge part of me that wants to contact this woman and tell her he's a liar and cheater and will do the same to her! I know she wouldn't believe me so I guess I'll take the high road. Sad thing is I truly loved him and it will be hard to trust again! 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
In reply to: Ckricket
Fri, 10-25-2013 - 11:36pm

You're well rid of him.  Don't worry about the other woman......hopefully she will find out on her own, just as you did, and hopefully faster than you did.  You found a man who has every sign of being an insecure unhappy man.......and you also found that you can't fix someone like that!  Don't you find it ridiculous that all this time he was accusing you of cheating, and at the same time HE was cheating on you?  That is a sign of an insecure man, too.  He is worried that you'll leave him, but at the same time, he needs the reassurance of other women to make him feel like a big man.  I've heard it said that a man like that feels so low, that he will do all he can to make his partner even lower......that way he can feel superior to the partner.  You're a typical woman.......you want to rescue the "wounded".  You tried.  You found out that it can't be done.  This man has deep-seated problems, probably from childhood where he was made to feel useless, worthless and stupid.  Your story could have been my story.  The only difference is that I didn't see it until after we were married, and there were children involved.  He was ridiculously jealous, to the point of having a fit if I happened to accidentally glance at a man......yelling that if I wanted I could go with the other man.  All the while, actually from the beginning of my marriage (but I didn't realize until a few years later) he was cheating on me, with one night stands, with long lasting affairs, and in constant denial.....even when the women would send mail to my home, or call looking for him.  I lived like that for almost 20 years before I had the good sense to divorce him. 

I understand how you are afraid to trust another man, but the point is that you have to learn to trust yourself!  You saw the red flags,but you ignored them.  Coming on strong and fast should have been your first red flag.  Unfounded jealousy was a big red flag, and verbal abuse is a big one too.  The next time you meet a man, the minute you see any of these behaviors, you say thanks but no thanks and move on.  It never gets better, it only gets worse.  Verbal abuse, mental abuse turns into physical abuse eventually.  Be glad you got out before that started....and the longer you stay with someone like that, the more beaten down you get until you start thinking you can't function with out them.   It used to be called "brain washing" and now it's called PTSD!!!  There are plenty of good men out there......you just happened to find a bad one......and were smart enough to end it.  Good for you!  Follow your instincts RIGHT AWAY,

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2013
In reply to: Ckricket
Sat, 10-26-2013 - 11:11am

WOW! Thank you so much for your advice and I'm so sorry you had to go through what you went through! I started reading the book Toxic Men and it is a true eye opener of what I was dealing with as it totally related to him. It is very scary the similarities I could relate to.