Driven to depression

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2013
Driven to depression
8
Wed, 08-21-2013 - 6:38pm

My best friend is a man I've known for 4 years; we worked together until he was fired. He fell into depression and for four years since I have financially and emotionally supported him despite the fact he now earns more than me. He has never payed me back any money or even bought me anything for my birthday or christmas.

We have had a sexual relationship in the past and whilst it does happen now and again, its nothing romantic, we would never consider a romantic relationship.

But he is somewhat abusive, I didn't think he was but friends have told me otherwise. He sleeps with me and then throws other women in my face, he never does anything for me, he has told me to lose weight, what colour to dye my hair, even commented on what I should wear. He tells me I am stupid and that I have no ambition in life, he humiliates me in front of people and has even asked me if I have any single friends he can sleep with.

Out of the blue twice this year (the latest being this morning) he has sent me messages ending our friendship; this morning was completely unprovoked. We were talking about a job interview I have for a placement in London on friday last night and this morning I woke up to a message telling me that he was buying a two bedroom place and wanted me to move in with him but in order to do so I had to act like a grown up or else he would delete and block my number which he has since done anyway.

I used to be an incredibly happy go lucky, bubbly person but in the last 4 years I've been on various antidepressants and even self harmed and succumed to bulemia. I just want to understand what I'm doing wrong. When he is lovely, he's the nicest man in the world but I seem to anger him without even doing anything.

 

Please help, I'm so desperate at the moment and can feel myself slipping back into depression. I don't think I can do it again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Wed, 08-21-2013 - 8:10pm

Why are you living with this man? It sounds like you have enough money to support yourself? Since you have been on anti-depressants I assume that you have a regular doctor, can you go back to him/her for more antidepressants now to get you past this episode? Have you seen a therapist or counselor?

Your friends are right, this man is emotionally abusive. And a best friend doesn't treat you like that. Maybe he used to be your best friend but that changed somewhere along the way. Him getting angry at you for no reason has nothing to do with you, its his problem.

What you really need is to get away from him. His abusive and mercurial behavior probably have a lot to do with your getting depressed. He has manipulated you and taken advantage of your generosity. Him blocking your number, and maybe moving out, might be the best things that could happen for you. An opportunity to make a break. Can you stay with friends until you can find a new place to live? Get some sessions with a counselor to help you find yourself again?

Good luck regarding the job in London.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2011
Thu, 08-22-2013 - 12:58am

Your title driven to depression says everything, you should never allow someone to stay in your life who make you feel so miserable. You have said that he takes and never gives consider yourself lucky that he has ended the friendship for the time being. Use this as the push you need to put this negative force out of your life. He sounds like he is bipolar and you appear to be too passive. The times he is nice to you does not make up for how bad he makes you feel when he is taking his frustrations out on you. Do yourself a favor and get into therapy and try to get to the root of why you would allow yourself to be treated so horribly. He will try to get back into your life after he gets over what ever got into him, but you need to keep him out of your life and work on you. People treat you the way you allow them to treat you, for four years you have allowed this person to dictate the terms of your relationship and drag you down. But he did not do that without your permission and its time you severed that relationship for your own mental well being.

Good luck to you

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 08-22-2013 - 11:12am

What you are doing wrong is staying in a relationship or friendship with someone who treats you terribly.  A real friend doesn't call you stupid, tell you that you are doing everything wrong, use you for sex while looking for other women and take your money & never give back to you.  You're basically an abused woman (emotionally not physically) and a characteristic of that kind of relationship is that you start to believe the stuff that the abuser tells you (maybe I am stupid and doing everything wrong) instead of standing up to him or leaving.  You need to find a way to move out and I would totally sever ties with him.  My ex was depressed and I also read a book about depression and families and it's true that a lot of spouses of depressed people end up depressed themselves even if they weren't depressed before.  It's very draining to live with someone who is depressed and needy all the time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2000
Thu, 08-22-2013 - 5:26pm

Please listen.  I know how you feel and it takes a lot to let go and listen to someone who has been there.  For years I was married to a very abusive man.  It started with him talking about me, then he started beating me.  For years I would write on this board.  I left him many, many times but I would feel sorry for him and return.  He had cancer among other diseases.  I wanted to kill myself many times, a few times, I tried to.  I was so depressed that I finally telling strangers my problems.  One day at the doctors office a kind lady told me to ask God to lift my burden because I couldn't carry it any longer.  I did, I prayed day and night for many years, finally he died.  I started living my life and now I have never been happier. 

Yes, your friends are right, he is abusing you and if you stay with him, it will get worse.  I know it takes a lot of courage to leave him along, but do that.  He is not for you.  You shouldn't take him abuse to get along with him.  Life is very short and you need to be happy.  No man or woman is worth you happiness.  It took me years to learn that.  Like from 1984 to 2011.  Yes, I would have done anything for him, but I know he wasn't for me.  God didn't bring into my life.  Find some happiness and joy in your life.  You deserve it.  Please do it for yourself.  It take work but so does everything.  Life is beautiful each day is a blessing.  I hope you find the person you were.  Pray it will happen.

God loves you, so love yourself.  He didn't put you here for you to be sad.  I will pray for you. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2000
Thu, 08-22-2013 - 7:32pm

Sorry, I had to go home. Do you want to be happy? If so, you can't be with him. he is controlling and the only way to get along with him, is to do everything he says. It won't work, he will never be happy. Honey, get as far away from him as you can. Cut all ties. Then decide what makes you happy. Do that.

To me its music and dancing. I wake up to music. You eat because you are depressed. Been there, done that. It made me happy.  Next, vision yourself without him, what would you do, see yourself smiling, having fun.  Everyday, life gets better. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2009
Fri, 08-23-2013 - 8:14am
Two depressed people , under the same roof can never make a situation better.Move out, go live with other ' friends ' ( real ) , parents , anyone but not with him. Thats the first step.If you do this , rest will follow.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2002
Fri, 08-23-2013 - 10:07am

You want to understand what you are doing wrong?  You are allowing someone else to control your life.  You know that this man is no good for your self esteem, he is using and abusing you, and yet you stay.  He has made you into his vulnerable victim so that you are on edge with him at all times not knowing what he will do next.  Please continue your counseling, start making an exit strategy to get yourself away from this man (do not move in with him again), and lean on your friends who can see this man for what he is.  Don't let him ruin your chance for happiness, no one deserves to be treated this way.  Please come back and let us know how you are doing.

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

.  -Albert Einstein

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sun, 08-25-2013 - 3:05pm

There is depression, and there is clinical depression, and there's a big difference between them.  Clinical depression is due to a chemical imbalance in the brain, and sometimes (not always) be helped greatly by anti-depressants that change the brain chemistry.  Just plain depression is a state of mind that you allow yourself to be in because another person or outside problem is so overwhelming you would rather just stay in a funk and not deal with it.  That comes from being emotionally abuse, which is what you are.  (as well as financially abused!)  Takng anti-depressants (which some doctors hand out like candy) can actually make you worse...they put you in a funk on top of the one you've put yourself into.  I know from experience!  My Dr. prescribed Wellbutrin (a well known anti-depressant) to help me quit smoking!  I was afraid of it because I was NOT depressed, and if it can fix a chemical problem in a brain, what will it do to a brain that doesn't HAVE a chemical problem.  I found out!  My Dr. and a personal friend who is a psychiatrist both told me it would do nothing except help me to quit smoking.......so I went ahead and started taking them.  I was working part time then, a very simple job......answer the phone, and take orders for produce.  It was a small company that sold produce to small restaurants.  I worked there for several years, and knew all the customers, and what their usual orders were.  Suddenly, the boss was calling me at home......"did you talk to this restaurant yesterday?"  Yes, I did. "Where is their order?"....and then another call........"we're at joe blows restaurant, and they didn't order anything!"  I was writing down the wrong things, wrong names, half orders.......without realizing it.  At the same time, at home, I would look around at things laying around, and say to myself "Who cares?"  I was also smoking MORE than before!  I realized that the medication WAS affecting me big time......I didn't give a darn about anything at all......I was a happy camper!  I was watching TV and smoking all day and night!  I immediately got myself off those pills and flushed $50.00 worth down the toilet! 

What you need to do is just get yourself out of the funk you're in, and start realizing that you're being used and abuse, and the only way to get out of the mess you're in is to GET OUT of it.  He is NOT your best friend, but you are his best friend, because no one else would put up with him for 5 minutes!  If it is your home, then give him a deadline to move out!  If he doesn't, then you have to get legal help to evict him.  If it is his home, then you need to pack your belongings and find a new place to live.  You can certainly afford that if you can afford to support him.  He is a USER and an ABUSER.......and you know that without asking friends.  You have to get him out of your life, and when you do, you won't be depressed anymore!  Don't medicate yourself into numbness.......just make up your mind that you have to do it, then DO IT!!!  Good Luck to you!