ended toxic relationship and THINK I found love ???? please give me feedback

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2012
ended toxic relationship and THINK I found love ???? please give me feedback
4
Sat, 12-29-2012 - 3:44am

I ended a toxic relationship with an unemployed addict after ten years. I am 36 years old. I left Kyle 4 months ago because I fell for someone else. I think I’m falling in love with Joe too quickly because I was so unhappy for so long. Please give me some feedback.

I met Kyle when I was 26. It was good for about 7 years. He hurt his back. Lost his job and became addicted to pain pills. I supported him. It became toxic because I enabled him. I was unhappy. I cheated with three guys in the last three years which has been since the relationship turned toxic. I did not feel I could leave him because he was dependent on me.

This summer I hooked up with Joe. I knew him since we were kids. I knew it was time to leave Kyle because I was HAPPY with Joe and MISERABLE supporting and enabling Kyle for the past 3 years. I left Kyle in September to take my life back. I did not know if things would work with Joe. It Didn’t matter. I had to leave Kyle.

Now it is nearly 6 that I’ve been dating Joe. 4 months separated from Kyle. When I am with Joe I am happy and at peace. When I am not with him I think of him constantly. This Christmas he went a bought a tree just for us. He never had a Christmas tree at his bachelor’s pad and wanted to enjoy this holiday with me he said. Then he spent Christmas Eve with my family and me. He baked brownies for all of us. You know my mom loved that btw (: This made a major impact on me. He worked Christmas day (law enforcement) and all day I sulked. I hated being away from him.

I think I am falling in love with him. I know him long time. I know his family. He is caring and attentive. He is ambitious and driven. He makes me happy. I want to be with him always. But is this only because I was so unhappy for so long that I have these feelings? OR can it be real? Keep in mind I have had other men while with Kyle but never any emotional attachment. I really think I am falling in love and so is he.

 

For all of you in a toxic relationship, please see how happy I am since leaving mine behind.

Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001

You're right, you do need to get to the bottom of your commitment and choice problems.  With a history of an addict and a lying womanizer you have an established history of choosing poorly -- another issue you really need to get to the bottom of -- history will repeat itself until you get to the bottom and clear it out. 

While you may not know my therapist friend, what's stopping you from seeing another therapist?  I've seen a couple that have done me more good than I can say and neither were my friend  Smile.  I would strongly urge you to take the leap and get started; the sooner started the sooner you're all cleared up.  I have to say, when you do it, you'll be amazed at the differences it makes in your life in all areas, not just relationships.  Seriously, you won't believe how great life is when your issues have been dealt with. 

Here's a link that will help you find qualified therapists in your area:

http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/prof_search.php

A book I highly recommend is "Are You the One For Me" by Barbara DeAngelis.  It's an older book but very, very helpful and right on.  It made a huge difference in how I saw dating and really changed my thoughts on dating entirely.  HOWEVER, the book isn't enough.  Therapy is where the real help comes in.  The book can't get you where you need to be and isn't an substitute. 

Hoping you'll take that step and start seeing a therapist right away.  Your life and happiness are too precious to not to.


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2012

Wow 2nd Life that is amazing. You are rigght on target here. I have actually used the word "refreshing" when describing Joe. Mainly becase he is so positive where Kyle was so cynical for the most part. You also reminded me of a time before I became involved with Kyle when I was on and  off for years with another toxic jerk (not an addict but a pathological lying womanizer). In order to get him off of my mind I dated a guy I would normally consider "not my tpe" simply because he was the polar opposite of the womanizing cheat I was hung up on.

 

I wish I knew your therapist friend. I know I tend to follow patterns in my relationships like so many of us do. I admit to being a committment phobe adn I'm fully aware that I only deal with guys that I know will run into a  "dead end" and not marriage because I'm afraid of committment. What I need to do is get to the root of it because even now I wonder if I'm trying  to convince myself I'm only falling for Joe because I'm on the rebound so I don't allow myself to get close to him. I can't seem to just go with it and say hey I like him. I never heard anything bad about him. I'm enjoying this and IF he can be long term go for it because he's great. Instead I tell myself: I just like him because it's new and distracting.....errrrr I need to get over this.

 

Thank you sooo much for the feedback though. You really are right on.

Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001

I echo Musiclover's congratulations.  I also hope you don't really mean what you said, that Kyle became toxic BECAUSE you enabled him.  You can't be more than half the reason and you may be none of the reason at all. It's good to see what part you played in it and to recognize what you should and shouldn't do again, but you are not the reason he became toxic.

It's impossible to know if what you're feeling now is real or if it's because of your long term unhappiness.  Only time will tell.  At the six month mark it's impossible to know if any relationship is what it seems or not.  At six months both partners aren't quite who they really are yet, both are trying to put their best foot forward to please the other partner and show the best side of themselves.  As you noted, your boyfriend has done some things that he's never done before -- things that aren't part of his usual way of being.  It takes a good year of being with the other person to have time to observe them in enough situations to know whether they're right for you.  At six months there hasn't been time to see how he acts/reacts in the millions of situations that you'll need to see how he handles.  

I'll be honest and tell you this though, first relationships after a break up are called "rebound", and they're called that for a reason.  It's because when we leave a relationship we're attracted to people who possess qualities that were lacking in our previous relationships, qualities that we craved and we soak these qualities up like sponges.  The problem is, the people we're attracted to generally possess  an over-the-top amaount of these qualities, or they're seriously lacking in other areas.  When we've become satiated with the quality we'd been lacking before, we don't need as much...but the person we've chosen still possesses that over-the-top amount and what was great for us before becomes too much and not so great anymore.  Ultimately, we leave these people because while they served a purpose when we met them, they aren't really what we need long term and don't continue to be what satisfies us.  Or, as we becomes satiated, their other qualities come more into focus and ultimately override the one quality we were needing.  When I left my husband of 17 years then found myself dissatisfied with a boyfriend of a year who I'd been absolutely thrilled with previously, it took a friend who is a therapist to open my eyes to why this man, who hadn't changed a bit, was suddenly an irritant rather than the welcome breath of fresh air he'd been before.  

Just take your time and take it slow.  Don't commit to anything that complicates it -- like moving in together or getting engaged.  Give yourself time and see how it goes.  


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

It could be that you are falling for Joe.  He sounds like a nice guy.  I'd just say take things slow--don't move in with him a month from now or anything like that.  Congratulations for leaving the toxic relationship.