Him: Chronic Liar, Sex addict ME: hurt and angry

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2014
Him: Chronic Liar, Sex addict ME: hurt and angry
6
Fri, 05-09-2014 - 2:05am

So, here goes...

In Sept I met this guy via an online dating site, we hit it off right away and became 'exclusive' by Oct. He is handsome, fit, charming and a flirt. I noticed trinkets and pic around his house of ex relationships and I found a box in his office with cards, love notes, etc. By January I discovered he was texting ex girlfriends daily and was having what seemed to be EAs with them. We had a long talk and he cut off all contact with three girls (I didnt witness it, but I trusted that He followed through)

He travels routinely for work and went on several business trips, including a weekend trip to Chicago after Valentines Day (which he made a BIG deal about) He went out "with bankers" a lot and went on an over night visit "see a buddy" and I found Cialis pills in his overnight bag. He dropped the ball on me about being codependent and a porn addict, but said he was working on it and was 'sober' from watching porn.I believed He was genuine and was being honest.

He asked me to move in with him in April and I was to move in on May 1st.  We started talking about the future and he aked if I would want to have a baby with him and get married. One night He came ome from the gym and hopped in the shower, I was making dinner and a text buzzed on his phone, saying "I tried calling you back sexy" I looked in his messages (I had never done this before) and I found out that he had met this girl the week before on a business stay and he wa asking her to help out a "poor lonely guy" and then it turned sexual.I continued to dig while he was showering and I found several othher women he was talking to. Emails of nudity and repeated phone calls/texts and he was still on the dating site I met him on! The f**ker!!!!!

I was numb, hurt, pissed and I remained cool- asked him what he defines as cheating- he agreed sex and physical stuff. I asked him how he would feel if I was getting pics from other men of their dicks and seeking emotional support from them. He said devestated. I looked him squarely in the eye and asked "Have you cheated on me?" He replied yes and went on to tell me he had a moment of weakness, he was scared because I was moving in and that it was an innocent dinner and run that turned into just a kiss, it was only one time, yada yada yada (AND it wasnt the girl who text him while he was in the shower) so I asked him who Miss SOandSO was that had sent naked pics, he swore she was just a friend and that he NEVER asked for naked pics, covering his a$$ - even though I saw the email where HE said "send naked pics"

I said "You just lied to my face. You fu&ked up and I will NEVER, EVER trust you again, I paked my stuff and left. He called and wanted to chase after me, I told him not to waste his time because I would never believe anything he said. He wrote me an email saying he was picked on and fat as a kid and has not gotten female attention until recent years- He doesnt know how to handle the attention and is addicted to the attention and approval he get from Women. I didnt reply- I blocked him from facebook, email and phone.

I came home 3 days later (it was 2 weeks shy of me moving in with him offiially) and there was flowers and a 2 page note on my doorstep- saying he was a sex addict and had codependency and was going to a 12 step meeting to get help, that he would go to counseling if he needed to and that he would do anything to be with me. I gave the flowers to my mom and burned the letter with my best friend.

2 days ago, I get a message on Facebook from a girl in Chiago asking me whats up. She told me she met him in August and that they have been talking every day and that when he flew out in February he stayed at her house, she looked in his phone and found out about me, but he swore I was long gone and not in the picture. I told her I had been in a relationship with Him since Oct and broke up with him 2 weeks ago after discovering a few OW and that we were going to be living together, which floored her because he had told her he was going to fly her out in June to stay with him. WTF??!! She also told me he called her in a panic the night I left and said I had gone through her phone and she was like "wait, she is still in the pic?" So he told HER he was a sex addict and was going to a 12 step program.... etc.

I am SOOOOOO pissed!!! I wanted to call him up and tell him what a looser he is, as I peice more and more together I feel more and more stupid for believing all of his lies. How many other women were there?!!! I feel like I am in a freakin movie!!! How could a man feel no remorse for hurting all of these women? All of my Friends are like "but, he clearly loved you sooo muh! He was always cuddling you ang oh, the way he looked at you!" I am so effing sick! How did I end up with such a liar, manipulator and someone who was leading a double- no triple life?!!! I fear I will never trust again!!! Are all men this way? UGH.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

Well, first of all, all men are not this way--the majority of men are decent and truthful.  You really can't blame yourself for this--the guy is obviously a smooth talker and has things down as far as the way he is practiced in lying to women--he's really a sociopath the way he can lie directly to your face and not feel any guilt.  I even think that most people who cheat are terrified they are going to get caught and actually feel bad if they do get caught--but then there are people like this guy who will do anything.  I don't know what your friends are talking about--he made the motions of acting loving but I think a person like this isn't capable of loving anyone.  Whatever childhood trauma he had, well why is he inflicting his problems on you?  You really did the right thing by refusing to have any further contact with him.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009

I'm really confused!  You met on a dating site, and became "exclusive" in a month.  He's "handsome, fit, charming and a FLIRT"?  So you're surprised that he "flirted" (and probably more than flirted)?  I don't know how well you know "businessmen that travel routinely" but it's rare to have a "weekend" business trip, unless of course they're single and have no obligations......but it wouldn't be a "business" trip, either.  "Business" is generally conducted Monday thru Friday in most businesses.  Your title?  Yes,  he's definitely a chronic liar!  He's been reading a lot of psychology books!  He tosses around the words very well, co-dependent, sober from porn, fat and picked on as a child, poor baby!  Go back to "chronic liar".....he's got it down pat.  You packed up and left, and the "poor child story" didn't come out till then.  You STAYED away!  You blocked him from your phone, email and facebook?  You got his flowers and pathetic promises, and you did right!  Gave the flowers away, and burned the letter.  You got other women messaging you about him?  I loved the fact that he called her in a panic because you left!  Good Move, one gone, line up the next one!  I'm sure he ran right out to a 12 step program as soon as he got off the phone with her and booked her a flight!  Sure he did!

Ok, again......your title!  How or where do you consider yourself a sex addict?  You were in a relationship.  Isn't that what goes on in a relationship?  You have sex!  Hopefully good sex.  Relationships start off great.  And if it's with a great person, it stays great forever.  If it's with a scumbag liar, abuser, cheater, etc., it takes a while to see it.  It took you a while to see it.  Nothing abnormal about that.  You trusted him until you had reason to NOT trust him.  That is what a relationship is all about....learning everything about the other person.  Deciding if you want to take it to the next step, moving in together or getting married.  Lucky you, you found out the truth before you did either.  Now it's time to lighten up on yourself.  You were "in love"......he made you happy....until the bomb dropped, and you realized what he was.  So,big deal,  he took 8 months of your life away.  Not much in the span of a lifetime.  Rather than seething in anger and making yourself sick, be very glad you found out what and who he was in time, BEFORE you got more serious, or God forbid had a baby with the snake.  Your anger is only hurting YOU, it's not hurting him.  You know he's moved on, and you know in your heart you were one of several...and now it's their problem, no longer yours.  Be happy that it's behind you, and don't let it sour you on all men.  The majority of men out there are decent honest men........you had the bad luck to run into this misfit.  The best revenge is to live a happy life!  (it's also fun thinking about the next woman that catches him and dumps him!) 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2006
I'm glad that you got out of that mess.He will get what he deserves..you go on and stay far far away from him.What goes around comes around.
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Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010

 IMO he is  confused.  Cimmitted too soon and possibly is telling the truth.  Many dorks have shock when they become eagles.  People who did not give them time of day are a few months or years ago have no experience in being liked let alone wanted.  He is not ready for anything right now.  

    Give him 5 years.   It takes time to recover from this shock.  It is like living on the edge of starvation for years then being transported to all you can eat buffet.

chaika

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2008

Girl: Am I pretty? Boy:No Girl: Do u even want to be with me forever? Boy: No Girl: Do u even like me? Boy: No Girl: Would u cry if i walked away? Boy: No She heard enough and was hurt... She walked away with tears in her eyes The boy grabbed her arm Boy: Your not pretty...your beautiful Boy: I dont want to be with u forever...I need to be with u forever Boy: I dont like u...I love u Boy: I wouldn't cry if u walked away......I would die if u walked away. Boy Whispers: Plz stay with me Girl: I will... *Tonight at midnight your true love will realize she/he loves u *Something good will happen to u at 1-4pm *Tomorrow it could be anywhere!!! *Get ready for the shock of your life! *If u dont post this to 5 other comments... You will have back luck in relationships for the next 10 years

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2008
YEP! I Been there done that! It has happened to me before several times. I am learning that its ok to open yourself up to the possibility of love. But I also am learning that its not good to become too emotionally attached to a person too soon. I realize its very hard not to especially when you meet someone new and you and that person seems to click on so many levels. The physical attraction is there. You connect on a mental and emotional level and before you know it BAM! You have fallen head over heals for this person. So just take your time and when you meet someone else when that feeling starts to hit remind yourself that you want to take it slow and see where this guy is at. Second thing is I understand why you did what you did but you should not have checked his phone and read his personal messages. Bottom line is this. If someone wants to cheat they will do it. This guy clearly is scum but just because you meet someone else doesn't mean they will immediately think of you as the one and cease all contact with other women especially since you are meeting on a dating website. People often times will continue to date even after they meet someone for a while. Until in their heart and minds they decide that the person is the one. Im not saying its right or that I agree with it which is why I don't do dating online but welcome to the new generation of dating. If you have any doubts about a relationship or see red flags such as this guy wanting to move too fast, then its best to trust your instincts and get out or else slow things down and see where the guy is coming from. I applaud you for doing the right thing and cutting the guy off. I know it hurts but just know that you deserve better than what he was giving you and that at least he is out of your life and not able to hurt you anymore. Time to turn the page and start a new chapter. Good Luck