How to deal with sibling?
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|Thu, 11-08-2012 - 3:04pm|
I am looking for advice on how to deal with a Sibling. Here is some background:
1. Sibling (S) was chosen to be the "good child," and I was seemingly chosen to be the "scapegoat" in the family.
2. A while back, a Family Member (FM) acted badly and hurt my feelings.
3. As a result of #2, I distanced myself in order to protect myself from further hurt.
4. A few months later, I told S I wouldn't be appearing at a certain family gathering. S emailed back essentially criticizing me for being a bad sibling. I then explained about #2 since S had not been informed of it. S continued to pester me about the family gathering and this and that. I said I wasn't going to do the back and forth anymore on these topics. I decided to ignore communications from S to protect myself from further hurt.
5. Months later, S pressured me to attend another family gathering. (Trying to corral me back into the dysfunctional system?) I felt like S was in a sense making me out to be the "bad guy" (rather than the victim in #2), and that it was really twisted for S to pressure me given the circumstances in #2. I very much resented S's interference, and felt very hurt that S appeared to think I should attend the family gathering out of guilt or duty or me being at fault or something.
6. S did some tasks to help the family. I was not able to help because of some health issues.
With that in mind.... S recently did something (an act of omission) that indicates S is either mad at me, or feels hurt because of me distancing myself.
I was thinking about having S and other family over for the holidays, as I think I can re-engage them now. BUT if S is mad at me, then I really don't want to deal with S--I have enough to deal with in life and don't need the guilt/pressure/scapegoating thing from S.
What do you think? Is S being a difficult, entitled person that I should continue to distance myself from? Or does S feel hurt and I should somehow make ammends (even though I have been hurt by S and S has been pushy and guilt-tripping and basically disrespectful of the boundaries I've set)? Or is S just reacting because they're having a hard time with the boundaries I've set (ie ignoring communication) because S has never had people put limits on them? Is S mad because I wasn't able to help with #6 (which would be really unfair)?
I was hoping things could be more "normal" now, but it seems maybe that's not possible? Should I just keep the current boundaries in place and forget the holidays? Should I look at communications from S to see if there are clues? (This would be hard and likely upsetting to me.) I'm just so tired of family people hurting me and upsetting me. I am happiest when I am distant from them.
Thanks for any advice!